This is a deeper explanation of just what I've been going through on a personal level with the whole "River" thing.
I have no problem being honest with myself. It's the only way to see what's really going on; to see patterns and behaviors that I'd like to change.
I understand now why I had to get together with him, why I couldn't pull myself away from him and have the awareness in the moment of what was REALLY going on. I had to go through it ALL. And by all, I mean the whole cycle of involvement so that I could SEE it all; all my behaviors and the pattern I was playing out.
The pattern I saw was falling for the attention I was getting and allowing myself to be more enamored than in Love that allowed me to forget what was important; maintaining my values and my integrity both of which I sacrificed for the attention. Also, mistaking lust for love.
In the past, this has been my "modus operandi". I didn't ask enough questions, I just jumped right in without a second thought. I was too giddy to be getting attention to realize that I wasn't getting Love, I was only getting lust. The men in my life (most of them) have only had lust for me and I mistook that for love. I even remember thinking way back when that a man must love me if he is willing to sleep with me...😆 OMG! how naive I was!
In the last few months, I started following a new teacher; Kerry K. She's the real deal. I love her straight forward, candid way of telling it like it is. I'm not sure I agree with everything she has to say about ego given that taking that path of self Love has really worked for me, however, I can agree to disagree.
I got to ask her a question on one of the live calls about why I'm still single when I want a partner and she told me it's because I haven't been able to just be myself with people. I have (had) a tendency to adopt the personality of the person in front of me. I started to notice this happening a couple of decades ago but I didn't really equate it with "not being myself". I thought is was just part of being an empath.
It made me cry hearing this about myself. I knew it was true and I remember hearing myself say in my mind that I didn't know who I was...
I wasn't allowed to be myself as a child; I was squashed my my mom and she tried to mold me into what she wanted; a maid/personal slave.
I KNOW WHO I AM on a spiritual level. The part of me that's confused is my ego.
This is all part of my experience with "River". Part of the cycle included allowing myself to be used for sex in the hopes that he'd fall in Love with me and change his mind about wanting to be with me on a bf/gf level.
I actually recognized what I was doing to myself in the moment but was too all consumed with the attention to stop myself. I knew (after getting to know him a bit better) that I didn't want him as a partner because of his own behaviors that I didn't like and even though I KNOW the worst thing we can do as women is think we can change a man into what we want or the potential we can see, it didn't stop me from trying. You wouldn't believe the stories I told myself of "if only he would let me help him..." kinda stuff and the knowledge that we are having many lives together that kept me in that loop.
All I can say is Thank God (my Self) that I have the awareness that I have of my self and I've done the work that I've done to get right with my Self and get real.
I don't have any more hatred for him like I did. I was really hating on myself for falling for that shit (again) and now I only have gratitude for that experience with him. He played a significant role in that experience to show me what I needed to change for myself to have that solid, grounded partnership that I really want.
This lifetime is all about ascension and I've known that for over 3 decades now. It would do me no good at all to lie to myself about anything and cheat myself. I have seen AND felt my own ascension in a dream back in 1999 so I know I will make it and I also know I am on the forefront of this magnificent change/upgrade we are all experiencing.
It's why I share these significant challenges with myself here, on this blog. To show people that even though we make mistakes, we can surpass them. To tell you, mistakes are not just ok, it's how we learn because how would we know what we want if we didn't have the experience of what we don't want somewhere along the line?
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope it has helped you in some way...
Aloha
