Well, it's been a little over 6 weeks since my initial "outburst". For details read the previous post.
I have something to add to the list of things/behaviors that have changed since that time.
I'm noticing that I'm not creating "scenarios" in my head of how to deal with someone/a situation anymore! This was very annoying and troublesome for me ESPECIALLY since the whole "virus thing" started.
It would help you to understand what I'm talking about by reading other posts but basically, the part of me (protector[ego]) that was protecting a VERY traumatized part of my Soul that was present when my life was threatened at knife point (literally!) when I was 6.
I believe that's when this part of my ego separated from the MAIN part of my ego personality to protect this child part.
What I had been noticing for a LONG time is that if I had to go out and interact with the public and there was even the SLIGHTEST chance that I'd have to deal with some idiot asking me where my mask was, my mind would create the scene in my mind so it could work out what I was going to say/do if the occasion occurred.
Thankfully, the occasion rarely occurred because, in my mind, I could be rather ruthless and unkind as to how I would handle people (remember, this part was created because I'D HAD MY LIFE THREATENED! This part sees EVERYONE as a potential threat to my security/safety and handles them accordingly. It thinks that violence is the way even though acting that way is completely in opposition to who I CHOOSE to BE/ACT.) I also noticed that when the occasion DID occur, I always handled myself from a place of compassion (most of the time). Thank GOD (and myself😇) events never unfolded as it did in my mind.
It took me a couple of weeks but I am noticing that I'm not doing the scenario thing in my head anymore!!! This is HUGE for me. It didn't stop overnight... it was a gradual thing. It kind of faded into the background... sort of.
I have been practicing inner work related to something called IFS (Internal Family System). Basically, we all have an internal (mind) family of different ego parts that have all been created to protect parts of our Soul that splintered off as a result of being present during a traumatizing moment. How many we have is all personal. The mechanisms and behaviors are the same, just the traumas and content of such is personal to each of us.
In reading Jay Earley's book "Self Therapy", I learned about my own IFS. At the start of getting to know all my parts I made a HUGE mistake. I was communicating with the very part that is finally free of it's "job" and my mistake was in telling it I would get back to it and I took WAY too long to do it. This part learned not to trust me and the compassion I shared with it.
I was working with a group at the time and brand new to "the work" so at the time, I didn't realize what I was doing. It's not like I did it on purpose... I had precious little time with this group to do the "getting to know your parts" part.
It took many years (I started in 2013 with IFS) and a little intuitive work to realize what was going on. I was noticing that it didn't matter how much compassion I showed to this particular part, it did not believe that I really cared because of my delay and it didn't believe that compassion was going to make a difference or help in any way to heal the part it was protecting.
It's believed, in IFS work, that it's necessary to work with the protector part first before getting any access to the traumatized Soul part.
I knew that if I was going to make any headway with either part, I was going to have to do something different. I remember in reading Jay's second book (that I helped edit for understanding) that invariably, our traumatized parts eventually resurface because they often get re-traumatized. They don't stay behind the wall, curtain or in the "box" where they are hid away because they are the parts of us that are here to EXPERIENCE. So how are we to experience Life from behind a wall?
I have been aware for a few years now of the work of Delores Cannon who pioneered QHHT... Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique. Almost a year ago now, I ask myself how I could help myself better with a different technique of healing.
Well, on whim, I went to visit a friend and wouldn't you know, about 5 other people showed up at the same time to visit him and one of these people gave me the name of someone she knows that uses this technique in her healing practice! So, back in June of last year, I had my session with her. At first, I was unclear if I had really made any progress with myself. I did not go as deep as some people do where they wake up and don't remember anything they said. I remembered everything!
I know now, in using hindsight, that IT DID WORK! I was able to circumvent the protector part and heal the Soul part with the QHHT work. What FINALLY convinced the protector part that compassion really works and to eventually let go of it's "job" is the Love and Compassion I received from the people I live with in an event that could have (seemingly) been the end of my good fortune with these people that I described in the post previous to this one.
I feel it's VERY important that anyone who is familiar with IFS and practicing this modality with themselves,if they have had a similar problem that I just talked about, there is another way to help yourself. I can't say that it will be QHHT for YOU, that's what it was for me. Everyone is going to have their own path to practicing IFS. And there is ALWAYS more than one way to deal with things/parts/people! 💖💗😍😁
I have also noticed that my new "freedom" is a double edged sword! While I am no longer in any fear of expressing myself, I can do so rather ungracefully. 😝 This part is still getting used to it's new found freedom of expression because this part is tied to my throat chakra which I can FEEL does not have a "filter" anymore. I can FEEL the personal power I have achieved as a result of the healing I've done.
This protector part didn't give up it's "job" overnight either. It took some time to realize that the little girl that was threatened when she was six wasn't suffering anymore. I have yet to realize what gifts either of these parts have besides realizing that the fear I've had of self expression is GONE! I'm sure I'll have more to write about later...😄💪💖👍
