A Day of Heavan on Earth

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a looong time.

To preface here, Monday was one of the worst days since my childhood.  

After my breakup with River, (I don't blame him for anything but hold him accountable for his part in it) I felt like I was dismissed and left hanging without a COMPLETE explanation or discussion of what actually happened.

I wanted to hate him and my mind spun around negative thoughts around him and his behaviors and made up stuff to make him the "bad guy" so I could justify to myself wanting to cut him out of my life. (even though he says we're still friends and he has no issues with me)

I've been participating in trials by 9010 (an organization in Germany that uses quantum entanglement to attach intelligent matter to inanimate objects) You can read about them HERE and my testimonial video Here.

The current one at the time that I was testing was for a pendant so I chose the crystal pendant that I've had for 36 years.

It had been helping me to have more control over my mind and the negative spin that it was using that felt like torture.  Literally overnight, the trial ended and as soon as I woke up, my mind started in with a vengeance; stronger than ever!  It was so bad I cried most of the morning on and off as I did my best to neutralize it without resisting or making myself wrong for doing it.  After all, my parts are just trying to protect me from someone that (it) perceives as hurting me.

I had to just avoid everyone in the household so that I wouldn't end up biting someone's head off.

I decided to go to the park later that day for the standing tags disc golf game that happens most days at 4:30.

It just so happened that River was there and without his new girlfriend.  He actually said hello to me and I was at least in a space where I felt ok and not reactive.  We exchanged some small talk and after I asked if I could give him a hug and he accepted.  It was the first hug I'd shared with him in over a month and it was very healing for me.

Throughout the week I was using some sound healing techniques that I had forgotten about that were helping me as well.

The next day and the day after, I went again and this time, she was there but I remained non-reactive naturally and I noticed that I didn't even care that she was there or that they were putting on a show of affection.

Yesterday, I went again and this time River did not show up.  There were seven of us that "mobbed" the golf course and played together and it had to be the best round I've played with the group EVER.

To back up a bit to the beginning of the day... as I was walking my doggies for my client, I noticed that I was more patient with them and did not feel the urge to control them as I have in the recent past.  My client had shared with me a difficult interaction she had had with a family member and accepted the advice I had given her.  My housemate shared his experience using Psylocybin trip guided by his therapist and I got my own little nugget from him telling me about it.  Later that day, I had a private lesson with my Aikido Sensei with another Dojo member that was so AWESOME so when I showed up to the tags game after that, I was already so high on life and feeling good, I was inspired to offer myself as a channel for healing energy to a fellow golf player that helped him "fix" his knee.  Later, another golf player asked for my help with his wrist and that helped him as well.

The whole round of golf we played was just awesome and fun.  Everyone was in high spirits even though it was raining a bit and a little windy at the end and I had a lot of putts that I missed; I didn't care, I was having so much fun with "the guys".

At hole 18, I was standing across from the player with the knee I had helped and the basket was in between us.  I wasn't even thinking that he would miss (neither was he!) When he ripped it hard and I saw it coming right at me, I had no time to move and it hit me square in the sternum.  It hit me just below my pendant and had I moved either way or turned my body, it would have hurt really bad.

At first, I was just shocked.  I felt no pain and I still have no mark or bruise where it hit me.  I started laughing because just as he was letting go of the disc and before it hit me, the other guy I helped was standing next to me and was saying, "You probably shouldn't be standing there..."

Ya think? 😂 LMAO!!!  I laughed so hard I was crying a few tears and this guy was SO apologetic.  I think everyone was shocked and felt bad but I didn't.  I knew I was getting something I needed and that's what I told him.  I made sure he knew that I was OK and not holding this against him at all.  I even told him it was "payback" (in a positive sense) for the help I had given him earlier.

I think if I had been in a bad mood, I could have easily chosen to be "the victim" however, because I was on the other side of a LOT of negative energy, I saw it for what it was; something to help me open my heart again after feeling like it got stepped on.  I told him, "There are no accidents." and I mean that.  Everything happens for a reason and I was able to remember that in the moment.💗💪💜😌  Thank you Kevin!

REAL Love versus CONDITIONAL Love

Real Love is what our REAL Self practices, expresses, exudes, IS.  It comes from our Core Self and is expressed through the Heart and is UNCONDITIONAL.  It ONLY happens when our Heart center is open and not closed off.  It loves NO MATTER WHAT.

Conditional love is what EGO practices.  It's the kind of "love" that most people practice because most of us are in an aspect of our ego most of the time.  It says, "if you are this way, I will love you.", "if you do this, I will love you.", if, if, if.

With the Heart, there is no if.  It Loves without any condition necessary, however, if it's received without being reciprocated, it moves on, in Love.  

Most of us think about Love without actually feeling it.  We SAY we Love, however, without the feeling, it's just thinking about love.

This is the difference between being in self versus being in Self.  Which (S)self are you choosing to Be?😉 💗😇

Hurting

 It really sucks to be in this position... this is the last update to my interactions with "River".  

Things didn't end well between us and I find myself in my head throughout the day having conversations with him; explaining various things to him as a way of sometimes helping him or verbally beating him up. 😢 I do my best to realize as it's happening that I'm talking to a version of myself that he represents as part of me.  I do this every time I have an issue with anyone that I'm having a hard time communicating with because it gives me insight to things that are going on with me that I may not be aware of.

In an email to him I expressed a thought that, at first, wasn't clear where it was coming from and if I go back to when I was writing it, felt a little strange.  I asked him at what point I was good enough for (this) but not good enough for (that).  

After about a week, I started to connect some dots and I realized that this "not good enough" thing had been a theme in my life since I was a kid and I'm not sure was something I had dealt with.  I started to see how this issue was affecting my daily life in a variety of ways.  For instance, I would get up in the morning (I'm almost ALWAYS the first one up) and I'd go into the kitchen and if there had been a mess left from the night before, I would go into a tizzy cleaning it up and feel resentment as I would do it because it hadn't been done in a way that was "good enough" for me.  There are some days I can do this without feeling that way and those are days when my emotions are in check and I haven't started my day with negative thoughts.  To be clear, it's not that I MYSELF and not good enough, it's that how things are DONE that's not good enough.

Anyway, I started to see a pattern that had always been there but because this thought and the feelings associated with it had been suppressed, it had remained hidden in my psyche until recently.  It's the reason why I stopped testing for higher rank in Aikido, it's the reason why I hold myself back in certain situations, it's the reason why I've been single for over a decade and the list goes on...😭

Even though I didn't get what I THOUGHT I wanted with him, I got what I needed and I'm SO grateful that I'm able to recognize that!😅 I'm so grateful that I have the courage to face myself and the ego parts that, while they are protecting me from further damage, also get in my way of having fun, having close relationships and being successful in the way I would like.

I'm still on the roller coaster of emotion and I have looked into getting some alternative help to the IFS modality I have been using.  For a few years now, I've felt like it's not working as effectively as when I first started back in 2013 and recently, I talked with a woman who does past life regression, energy healing and a few other modalities to have her tell me that our EGOS can be damaged also!  What?!  I had forgotten about that!  The work I had been doing on myself was with the ego parts to gain trust to access the inner child that was hurt, not to work with the ego parts to heal THEM.  WOW!  What a wake up call.

I was reminded through an email that I have a couple of healing modalities I had forgotten about that I purchased back when I was in Hawaii.  They are both from Learning Strategies.  I highly recommend this website.  

I have Biofield Tuning: Healing Your Body with Tuning Forks by Eileen McKusick and Sound Healing | Silent Clearing Series 1 by Dawn Crystal.

Both are highly effective and SOUND and LIGHT will be the new healing modalities of our near future!

I've already started to experience some relief from using these.

I'm still having "conversations" in my head, however, they are shifting to a more positive note.

I have requested a meeting with him to sort out why and how things happened between us so I can have a better understanding which will help me have closure, however, given he is already in a new relationship with someone, I'm not sure I will get what I want from him.  

I just want to be able to come to a place within myself where I can be OK if I don't get what I want.

Feeling strong!💪💘💔💕💝