Hurting

It really sucks to be in this position... this is the last update to my interactions with "River".  

Things didn't end well between us and I find myself in my head throughout the day having conversations with him; explaining various things to him as a way of sometimes helping him or verbally beating him up. 😢 I do my best to realize as it's happening that I'm talking to a version of myself that he represents as part of me.  I do this every time I have an issue with anyone that I'm having a hard time communicating with because it gives me insight to things that are going on with me that I may not be aware of.

In an email to him I expressed a thought that, at first, wasn't clear where it was coming from and if I go back to when I was writing it, felt a little strange.  I asked him at what point I was good enough for (this) but not good enough for (that).  

After about a week, I started to connect some dots and I realized that this "not good enough" thing had been a theme in my life since I was a kid and I'm not sure was something I had dealt with.  I started to see how this issue was affecting my daily life in a variety of ways.  For instance, I would get up in the morning (I'm almost ALWAYS the first one up) and I'd go into the kitchen and if there had been a mess left from the night before, I would go into a tizzy cleaning it up and feel resentment as I would do it because it hadn't been done in a way that was "good enough" for me.  There are some days I can do this without feeling that way and those are days when my emotions are in check and I haven't started my day with negative thoughts.  To be clear, it's not that I MYSELF and not good enough, it's that how things are DONE that's not good enough.

Anyway, I started to see a pattern that had always been there but because this thought and the feelings associated with it had been suppressed, it had remained hidden in my psyche until recently.  It's the reason why I stopped testing for higher rank in Aikido, it's the reason why I hold myself back in certain situations, it's the reason why I've been single for over a decade and the list goes on...😭

Even though I didn't get what I THOUGHT I wanted with him, I got what I needed and I'm SO grateful that I'm able to recognize that!😅 I'm so grateful that I have the courage to face myself and the ego parts that, while they are protecting me from further damage, also get in my way of having fun, having close relationships and being successful in the way I would like.

I'm still on the roller coaster of emotion and I have looked into getting some alternative help to the IFS modality I have been using.  For a few years now, I've felt like it's not working as effectively as when I first started back in 2013 and recently, I talked with a woman who does past life regression, energy healing and a few other modalities to have her tell me that our EGOS can be damaged also!  What?!  I had forgotten about that!  The work I had been doing on myself was with the ego parts to gain trust to access the inner child that was hurt, not to work with the ego parts to heal THEM.  WOW!  What a wake up call.

I was reminded through an email that I have a couple of healing modalities I had forgotten about that I purchased back when I was in Hawaii.  They are both from Learning Strategies.  I highly recommend this website.  

I have Biofield Tuning: Healing Your Body with Tuning Forks by Eileen McKusick and Sound Healing | Silent Clearing Series 1 by Dawn Crystal.

Both are highly effective and SOUND and LIGHT will be the new healing modalities of our near future!

I've already started to experience some relief from using these.

I'm still having "conversations" in my head, however, they are shifting to a more positive note.

I have requested a meeting with him to sort out why and how things happened between us so I can have a better understanding which will help me have closure, however, given he is already in a new relationship with someone, I'm not sure I will get what I want from him.  

I just want to be able to come to a place within myself where I can be OK if I don't get what I want.

Feeling strong!💪💘💔💕💝

Resistance

Most people offer resistance to change.  I'm pretty good with most change.  I moved a lot as a kid that got me conditioned to change pretty early on.

There are lots of things I have resisted throughout my life; mostly to avoid whatever my mind has made up around it.

I've noticed, here and there, that when I have walked through the resistance I've had to some things that I almost always get some kind of benefit from it.

As as example,  I have an opportunity to do a cold plunge with my Aikido community this Sunday.  I've always been resistant to the cold.  My. Whole. Life!  

I've not really been one to make New Year's resolution, however, I'm guided to do my best to give up ALL resistance from now on.  That's a tall order!  😆

My body is terrified at the very thought of doing this cold plunge, however, since I'm feeling all this resistance to doing it, I figured I would give it a go.  I will be with people who have done it before and will help me if I'm not able to keep from hyperventilating.

I have meant to write about my experience at One Dojo where I have been practicing Ki Akido since the end of last April.  My experience of it keeps changing and I'm finding that I can apply many of the principles of Aikido into my daily life like relaxing completely with whatever I'm doing.  That will be it's own blogpost. 

I've also recently re-discovered that when I have an opportunity to have a new relationship I often resist being myself out of fear that (he) will find something he won't like about me or I will say something that will kill it for him to be with me.  

I say re-discovered because it has been over a decade since I have had a serious relationship and I have forgotten things about myself that I had not worked out yet in my practice of "Inner Love".

I was more focused on working with the different parts of myself that are wounded and the parts that protect those parts.  I had some aspects of myself that needed attention "fall through the cracks" if you will.  

Giving up resistance to just being myself is the biggest challenge I will face with myself because of... just everything... going back into my past, I was teased about various things, bullied, squashed, put down and basically not accepted for who I am in all my crazy, zany, crafty, wild and goofy ways.  It's taken me so long to come to accept myself as I am.  I feel confident that it's not going to be as hard to do as I tell myself to practice just being me.  

I'm free to be Me.