If you read the last few entries labeled Rants, Update and Let's Be Real, you'd realize that I was attempting to explain that I still go through some shit (and I can't hide it) and I literally have to "hide" in my room so that I don't get triggered when other people going through their "stuff". It was also me letting people know that I'm not about "perfection" although from the outside, I'm sure that's what it looks like to people who don't know me when I AM on top of my "game". 😉
I went through another day of "shit" with myself yesterday and couldn't help but feel somewhat disappointed that I only got a couple of days of being "on top" and I was wondering, "ok, how long is THIS episode going to last?" lmao
It only lasted the day right up until I went to bed because of having to take care of something that my roommate left which pissed me off because it was almost one in the morning and she had left the TV on because she went into her room to make her bed and then forgot about the TV so she just left it on! (WTF!)
I had been listening to music that I like (uplifting, feel good music) right before going to sleep and I have found that I wake up feeling better and not plagued by the thoughts in my head about my roommate.
It's my roommate for the most part that has been triggering me and I guess I'll have to explain what I mean so you know where I'm coming from.
My roommate is blind and when I met her, I was still driving the taxi. Long story short, she wanted someone to live with her to help her with what she couldn't see like reading her mail and cleaning. Well, part of what is bugging me is that it has turned out to be WAY more than just reading her mail and cleaning. I haven't minded so far but she went through a very tough 3 weeks with a health issue and while she was VERY appreciative that I was there to help and I was too, I was thinking to myself that this was more than I wanted to do for someone.
I have already been a caregiver and I quit after about 4 years because the Agencies that I worked for do not (really) help these people or empower them in any way to be on their own. I mean it's the same thing the medical system does. They talk a good talk but really, all they do is enable people to stay dependent on the system because the system, without "clients" or "patient" would collapse and "doctors" would not make any money. Part of the problem if you ask me.
So being a "caregiver" to someone I live with is NOT something I want to do at all and she knows this. I only agreed to live with her because she IS very appreciative and expresses her appreciation well and she had said that she wanted to remain as independent as possible. This is something I can support.
What I'm finding now is that she needs WAY more help than she is willing to admit, she forgets little things that have a big impact like leaving her coffee maker on with nothing in the pot or the TV on or the lights on, turning on the wrong burner on the stove and burning a pot up... Now, I DON'T fault her for any of this because of her obvious problems. But all of that on top of what I now know about her is more than what I bargained for.
To go back to what is going on with me... I see all of this going on and my mind goes crazy with what I think I need to tell her like, I think I need to move, you're relying too much on me, I didn't come here to be your "friend" etc etc. No, I moved in to be of help but not put up with her drinking and neediness for company after she told me that she liked to be alone. I told her up front before I moved in that I would be spending most of the time in my room which I do but I still find myself in front of the TV with her because she sucks me in with her "poor me" stories. So part of my frustration is with myself for not sticking to my own "plan" so to speak and what I told her my own needs are.
As I've said, I have had to deal with this part of myself before and twice now, I've gotten through it so it's a little perplexing that I'm going through it again. Once again, I found myself on the phone with Ima last night and she told me she was going through the same thing only with her partner that she lives with. He couldn't do anything right, according to her. I have to laugh because I have lived with them several times over the years so I know what she's talking about. lol (knee slapper!)
While I was lying in bed fuming that I had to get up to shut the TV off, I asked myself what was going on and I heard myself say, "I don't want to do this job anymore". I asked further what that meant and I immediately got in touch with the fear that was underneath this frustration and annoyance with my roommate. She was going through what I had gone through 10 years ago. We'd had a conversation just a couple of nights ago that she had gotten to the end of her rope with herself and was tired of having to drink to fall asleep (basically to "shut up" the scenes in her head of all the abuse she had been through that she had yet to process). What she REALLY needs to do is deal with her shit and HER frustration is that she doesn't know what to do about it. I didn't either 10 years ago except I did know that I needed to go to Hawai'i.
What I also need to say here is that many of the reactions I have in my head are in response to the ASSUMPTIONS that my mind is making about the situation I'm in and what my roommate is going through that I have not verified by asking the relevant questions.
So, I have been frustrated the last few days watching her make the same mistakes and keep drinking even though she knows she needs to change things. My protective part of ME is afraid that this "job" is going to fall on ME and when I got that, I was like: WHOA... that is NOT my job here (this is me talking to myself and reassuring myself that I don't have to do this.)
Ima had told me a story about something she'd seen on FB and it was a story about a Mom who is dubbed "The Truth Bomb Mom" and a guy had asked her about his kids and how hard it was to watch them struggle with stuff. She told him to let them struggle, that every time we do something for them, we disempower them to figure out stuff on their own. I already knew this but I really needed the reminder and it helped my "part" to hear this also because I could FEEL how this part calmed down. It was afraid that because I live here and had agreed to help my roommate AND I was already doing more than I wanted that I was going to be "stuck doing" for my roommate because she is already exhibiting a tendency to be a little needy and reluctant to ask for help when she REALLY needs it. When I told myself that it's NOT my job to do anything for my roommate, I felt great relief in that realization. (I have been a "rescuer" before and my part was NOT wanting to do that again). I also understood the frustration I was having over having "dealt" with this part before and not understanding why it was coming up again. This part has been "retired" so to speak. It's there if I need it but it's VERY reluctant to be there for someone else. It has enjoyed not being needed in this capacity because it's NOT a nurturing part at all. It's very male oriented energy and it's there to give what is needed to take action to make changes for MYSELF but not to change someone else because I understand that someone else must "figure out" what actions they need to take for themselves.
This also explains why this part is SO snarky and rude in my head as it's talking to my roommate because I'm not like that to her when I do talk with her. I have to just be OK with watching her struggle, knowing that she will find her own way just like I did. I've told her what I'm willing to help with and I'm good with that. It's up to her to ask for what she needs. I have every confidence in her that she will find her way and figure things out. I've told her what worked for me and while we are dealing with similar issues at different times, we are different people and what worked for me may not work for her. It's that or I move.
I actually had the conversation with my part as I was talking to Ima because I was figuring out things as I went. I think this part trusts me more when I'm talking to Ima because I "get" so much from our conversations. It works both ways for us. She really is my rock and I'm SO FRIGGING GRATEFUL FOR HER!!!! 💕😂 I'm realizing just how helpful it is for me to talk with her, not only does she remind me of things that help but as I talk with her, I hear myself and I get what I need to hear from myself that I don't always get when I try on my own.
I hope it has been helpful to read about how I deal with myself. It's such a blessing to know so much about myself and obviously, I'm still learning.
I went on with my day and had zero thoughts about how to "fix" my roommate and actually met another doggie client that is going to work out well and I am meeting another tomorrow! I also got to spend some quality time with my son today and have a decent conversation with my roommate.
A great ending to a great day! 💪💜💖😊
I went through another day of "shit" with myself yesterday and couldn't help but feel somewhat disappointed that I only got a couple of days of being "on top" and I was wondering, "ok, how long is THIS episode going to last?" lmao
It only lasted the day right up until I went to bed because of having to take care of something that my roommate left which pissed me off because it was almost one in the morning and she had left the TV on because she went into her room to make her bed and then forgot about the TV so she just left it on! (WTF!)
I had been listening to music that I like (uplifting, feel good music) right before going to sleep and I have found that I wake up feeling better and not plagued by the thoughts in my head about my roommate.
It's my roommate for the most part that has been triggering me and I guess I'll have to explain what I mean so you know where I'm coming from.
My roommate is blind and when I met her, I was still driving the taxi. Long story short, she wanted someone to live with her to help her with what she couldn't see like reading her mail and cleaning. Well, part of what is bugging me is that it has turned out to be WAY more than just reading her mail and cleaning. I haven't minded so far but she went through a very tough 3 weeks with a health issue and while she was VERY appreciative that I was there to help and I was too, I was thinking to myself that this was more than I wanted to do for someone.
I have already been a caregiver and I quit after about 4 years because the Agencies that I worked for do not (really) help these people or empower them in any way to be on their own. I mean it's the same thing the medical system does. They talk a good talk but really, all they do is enable people to stay dependent on the system because the system, without "clients" or "patient" would collapse and "doctors" would not make any money. Part of the problem if you ask me.
So being a "caregiver" to someone I live with is NOT something I want to do at all and she knows this. I only agreed to live with her because she IS very appreciative and expresses her appreciation well and she had said that she wanted to remain as independent as possible. This is something I can support.
What I'm finding now is that she needs WAY more help than she is willing to admit, she forgets little things that have a big impact like leaving her coffee maker on with nothing in the pot or the TV on or the lights on, turning on the wrong burner on the stove and burning a pot up... Now, I DON'T fault her for any of this because of her obvious problems. But all of that on top of what I now know about her is more than what I bargained for.
To go back to what is going on with me... I see all of this going on and my mind goes crazy with what I think I need to tell her like, I think I need to move, you're relying too much on me, I didn't come here to be your "friend" etc etc. No, I moved in to be of help but not put up with her drinking and neediness for company after she told me that she liked to be alone. I told her up front before I moved in that I would be spending most of the time in my room which I do but I still find myself in front of the TV with her because she sucks me in with her "poor me" stories. So part of my frustration is with myself for not sticking to my own "plan" so to speak and what I told her my own needs are.
As I've said, I have had to deal with this part of myself before and twice now, I've gotten through it so it's a little perplexing that I'm going through it again. Once again, I found myself on the phone with Ima last night and she told me she was going through the same thing only with her partner that she lives with. He couldn't do anything right, according to her. I have to laugh because I have lived with them several times over the years so I know what she's talking about. lol (knee slapper!)
While I was lying in bed fuming that I had to get up to shut the TV off, I asked myself what was going on and I heard myself say, "I don't want to do this job anymore". I asked further what that meant and I immediately got in touch with the fear that was underneath this frustration and annoyance with my roommate. She was going through what I had gone through 10 years ago. We'd had a conversation just a couple of nights ago that she had gotten to the end of her rope with herself and was tired of having to drink to fall asleep (basically to "shut up" the scenes in her head of all the abuse she had been through that she had yet to process). What she REALLY needs to do is deal with her shit and HER frustration is that she doesn't know what to do about it. I didn't either 10 years ago except I did know that I needed to go to Hawai'i.
What I also need to say here is that many of the reactions I have in my head are in response to the ASSUMPTIONS that my mind is making about the situation I'm in and what my roommate is going through that I have not verified by asking the relevant questions.
So, I have been frustrated the last few days watching her make the same mistakes and keep drinking even though she knows she needs to change things. My protective part of ME is afraid that this "job" is going to fall on ME and when I got that, I was like: WHOA... that is NOT my job here (this is me talking to myself and reassuring myself that I don't have to do this.)
Ima had told me a story about something she'd seen on FB and it was a story about a Mom who is dubbed "The Truth Bomb Mom" and a guy had asked her about his kids and how hard it was to watch them struggle with stuff. She told him to let them struggle, that every time we do something for them, we disempower them to figure out stuff on their own. I already knew this but I really needed the reminder and it helped my "part" to hear this also because I could FEEL how this part calmed down. It was afraid that because I live here and had agreed to help my roommate AND I was already doing more than I wanted that I was going to be "stuck doing" for my roommate because she is already exhibiting a tendency to be a little needy and reluctant to ask for help when she REALLY needs it. When I told myself that it's NOT my job to do anything for my roommate, I felt great relief in that realization. (I have been a "rescuer" before and my part was NOT wanting to do that again). I also understood the frustration I was having over having "dealt" with this part before and not understanding why it was coming up again. This part has been "retired" so to speak. It's there if I need it but it's VERY reluctant to be there for someone else. It has enjoyed not being needed in this capacity because it's NOT a nurturing part at all. It's very male oriented energy and it's there to give what is needed to take action to make changes for MYSELF but not to change someone else because I understand that someone else must "figure out" what actions they need to take for themselves.
This also explains why this part is SO snarky and rude in my head as it's talking to my roommate because I'm not like that to her when I do talk with her. I have to just be OK with watching her struggle, knowing that she will find her own way just like I did. I've told her what I'm willing to help with and I'm good with that. It's up to her to ask for what she needs. I have every confidence in her that she will find her way and figure things out. I've told her what worked for me and while we are dealing with similar issues at different times, we are different people and what worked for me may not work for her. It's that or I move.
I actually had the conversation with my part as I was talking to Ima because I was figuring out things as I went. I think this part trusts me more when I'm talking to Ima because I "get" so much from our conversations. It works both ways for us. She really is my rock and I'm SO FRIGGING GRATEFUL FOR HER!!!! 💕😂 I'm realizing just how helpful it is for me to talk with her, not only does she remind me of things that help but as I talk with her, I hear myself and I get what I need to hear from myself that I don't always get when I try on my own.
I hope it has been helpful to read about how I deal with myself. It's such a blessing to know so much about myself and obviously, I'm still learning.
I went on with my day and had zero thoughts about how to "fix" my roommate and actually met another doggie client that is going to work out well and I am meeting another tomorrow! I also got to spend some quality time with my son today and have a decent conversation with my roommate.
A great ending to a great day! 💪💜💖😊
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