It's been a few weeks now since I've returned from my trip and I can feel my vibrational frequency had dropped. I've had some major triggers happen over the last week during my dog sit.
I know my triggers are connected to beliefs I have and then I make it worse with my thoughts about what is going on and I have to say... I always feel like I'm doing my best to control my self, however, it's SO tiring to go through this. I'm DONE with this! At least I want to be. I often wonder how long this will continue. When will I be DONE with my inner work?
It seems like every time I go through this now, the contrast is so acute to the "on top of the world" feeling I had just a few short weeks ago. I don't like the yo-yo effect I'm going through. I find it VERY difficult to raise my frequency on my own sometimes. Especially when I get bad news...💔
Yesterday I got a call that I have been waiting for for MONTHS about my Mom. Basically, if I tell her what the Chiropractor told me about the condition of her spine and cord, she could stop progressing and never walk again. Over two decades of sitting, hunched over in her bed has taken its toll on her spine.
I had a realization for myself about why I feel the way I do given this is HER body and not mine, it's HER life and not mine and both are HERS to do what she pleases.
It's been a difficult road with my Mom since last September when she fell out of bed for seemingly no reason. Over the last 8 months she has been through 4 hospitals and 2 rehab facilities, I've lived with (them) to help take care of my Mom until she kicked me out.😆 (I was all too happy to leave) We had to deal with COVID bullshit as well (still are) and now, I have no idea what to tell her or what to do.
I realized that I've been trying to "save" my Mom. I don't know why it's taken me so long to "figure this out"... lmao I think because I'm very opposed to how my Mom wants to live her life.
I think at this point, it doesn't make any sense to tell my Mom what I was told about how bad her spine really is. She's happy with her progress and I think telling her would not be helpful. I know her too well and how she could end up in another depression if she knew. Besides, people have come back from worse situations and I want to give her every chance she's got to at least be able to stand up again.
I think some of my issue with this also is that I'm afraid of what I don't know which is kind of silly in a way but it's what I don't know about how this situation is going to affect me and what I want is what I'm unclear about; how long I will have to keep going up there to help out, if I'll end up having to go through all of my Mom's personal stuff (unless she can do it herself) and how much it's going to interfere with what I want to do.
I never thought I'd be going through this and I have to wonder if this is the situation that I saw on the beach in Kihei back in 2013. What might I discover going through this with my Mom...?
It feels good to be honest about it and all I can do is keep plugging along
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