Back a Few Steps💔

It's been a few weeks now since I've returned from my trip and I can feel my vibrational frequency had dropped.  I've had some major triggers happen over the last week during my dog sit.  

I know my triggers are connected to beliefs I have and then I make it worse with my thoughts about what is going on and I have to say... I always feel like I'm doing my best to control my self, however, it's SO tiring to go through this.  I'm DONE with this!  At least I want to be.  I often wonder how long this will continue.  When will I be DONE with my inner work?

It seems like every time I go through this now, the contrast is so acute to the "on top of the world" feeling I had just a few short weeks ago.  I don't like the yo-yo effect I'm going through.  I find it VERY difficult to raise my frequency on my own sometimes.  Especially when I get bad news...💔

Yesterday I got a call that I have been waiting for for MONTHS about my Mom.  Basically, if I tell her what the Chiropractor told me about the condition of her spine and cord, she could stop progressing and never walk again.  Over two decades of sitting, hunched over in her bed has taken its toll on her spine.  

I had a realization for myself about why I feel the way I do given this is HER body and not mine, it's HER life and not mine and both are HERS to do what she pleases.  

It's been a difficult road with my Mom since last September when she fell out of bed for seemingly no reason.  Over the last 8 months she has been through 4 hospitals and 2 rehab facilities, I've lived with (them) to help take care of my Mom until she kicked me out.😆 (I was all too happy to leave) We had to deal with COVID bullshit as well (still are) and now, I have no idea what to tell her or what to do.

I realized that I've been trying to "save" my Mom.  I don't know why it's taken me so long to "figure this out"... lmao I think because I'm very opposed to how my Mom wants to live her life.

I think at this point, it doesn't make any sense to tell my Mom what I was told about how bad her spine really is.  She's happy with her progress and I think telling her would not be helpful.  I know her too well and how she could end up in another depression if she knew.  Besides, people have come back from worse situations and I want to give her every chance she's got to at least be able to stand up again.

I think some of my issue with this also is that I'm afraid of what I don't know which is kind of silly in a way but it's what I don't know about how this situation is going to affect me and what I want is what I'm unclear about; how long I will have to keep going up there to help out, if I'll end up having to go through all of my Mom's personal stuff (unless she can do it herself) and how much it's going to interfere with what I want to do.

I never thought I'd be going through this and I have to wonder if this is the situation that I saw on the beach in Kihei back in 2013.  What might I discover going through this with my Mom...?

It feels good to be honest about it and all I can do is keep plugging along

Re-Alignment

I have not had much I've wanted to talk about until now... it's been over a year since my last post.  I have had things that I could have talked about but I didn't have the inspiration until now.

I recently had an experience that showed me just how much I've grown from the inner work I've done.  I had a similar experience in 2018 that I thought I wrote about but I have not found where I did so I will mention what happened because of the contrast that it gives between the two events.

Back in 2017, I moved in with a woman who is blind and wanted help with specific things.  It became clear with a short time that this woman not only needed more help than she was aware of but also there were indications that she had an issue with alcohol and some memory challenges associated with it.  More than once she told me something only to turn around and to say she never said it.😳  It came down to her lying about being in my room when the evidence that she couldn't see was there for ME to see.  There were other incidences that happened that made it clear I needed to find another place to live.  She also asked me to leave and in all honesty, I was grateful for the confirmation of my own decision to move.  Not only did I find a couple that I resonated with and appreciate what I do for them but I moved a week earlier than the time I was given.  

The incident I want to highlight here was when I left to go pet sit for someone,  I took a picture of my son with me that I later forgot I had taken and accused my roommate of taking based upon an assumption that she was getting back at me for sharing information with her that she wasn't ready for that caused her mental and physical stress.  Later on, after I moved, I found the picture even though I had made a thorough search for it BEFORE I accused her.  

This whole incident was not handled as gracefully as I would have liked and I had to question WHY my inner guidance (that I have learned to trust and follow DAILY) had not led me to the picture ahead of my accusation.  THAT was at the crux of my confusion of why all this happened.  How had I forgotten that I took my picture and why did I not remember until I moved?

I did wish my roommate the best and I did not hold any hard feelings against her.  That, at least, was a definite improvement over other incidents that had happened in my past where I held onto all the negative emotions for days if not weeks.

What I gleaned from that experience was that some people often need more help than they realize and are not in a position to accept help or information in other areas of their life and I am in no position to assess what people are ready for or not.  I did not get any indicators up front that this was not going to be the situation I thought it would be like the next one I will share.

A little over a week ago, I was requested for another pet sit, this time outside of the area that I usually cover because I ride my bike everywhere as I have no car.  Initially when I got the call, I made the decision right away to decline the request because I'm not attached to having certain jobs or the potential money that can come from them.  This particular job was in the foothills and it would have been very difficult for me to get up there not to mention getting to the other jobs I have almost daily.  

So, initially, I said no and why.  I was offered their car to use so I reconsidered, especially since I had not had a well paying job and my bank account was getting a little low on funds.

After going up there to get the details on what I was going to have to do, I started to feel a little uneasy about going back.  My mind came up with all kinds of stuff and I didn't ignore what I was feeling but I also did not take the time to sit with it further to understand what I was picking up on.

The first six days went just fine,  I felt like it was going well and I was able to relax regarding all of the complicated details I had to keep track of like making sure the two cats didn't get out and that their VERY strong dog didn't take ME for a walk. lol  Also, they had multiple doors (we're talking about a million dollar McMansion here) that I had to make sure were closed at all times AND locked.  I made sure that as soon as I came in from outside that I securely latched the door AND locked it!

Last Monday, I had gone in and out multiple times of 3 different doors but was 100% positive that I had locked every one as soon as I came in.  I left to go walk a dog and I was aware that the irrigation people were coming by to blow out the system so I had to be back at a certain time to allow them access.

I got back up there and was told that they had arrived early and that the front door was WIDE OPEN!  OMG, I thought, had the animals escaped?  I went inside to find the dog which, from my clients description, I would have thought would have been the first one out but she was a good girl and stayed in.  The cats, on the other hand, had both escaped.  

I noticed after I came back that I had a voicemail message on my phone that I should have received while I was out and in range of a signal but I did not get the notification AND my phone didn't ring!  The timestamp on my message from my client telling me she could see the cats were out told me that the door flew open right after I left.  I was gone for an hour and a half!  

Everyone they called for help showed up and I was told to leave.  I saw that coming and I don't blame them for doing so.  Had it been me, I would have done the same thing.  

I felt very bad about the situation knowing that I had let someone down who was counting on me.  I did not give any resistance to leaving and was very relieved to get back home.  Even the gentleman who gave me a ride home tried to lighten the mood and I remember thinking to myself that I knew there would be a "silver lining" to this situation but damned if I could see it yet.  

What confused me was how could I have left the door unlocked and unlatched when I had been so good at doing it and why (again) had my inner guidance not warned me?!  

It all worked out, just before I left, they found the first cat and later I got an email that both cats were back inside.  

I never had any negative thoughts about either one of them. Both of them were under stress and (for the most part) handled themselves very well considering what they were dealing with.  That, to me, was just one of the indicators of how much I've grown because my mind didn't go to the "blame game", I gave no resistance and I maintained my emotional balance throughout the situation except to cry some tears of sadness and frustration.

I have even dropped my need to know about why I didn't receive the phone call OR the notification OR a warning from my higher self what was about to happen.  I was also certain that I had locked the front door.  But none of that matters now. It's all a moot point because both cats are OK and I have accepted that I just wasn't meant to be there.  I KNOW without a doubt that everything happens for a reason and we don't always need to know what that is.  For me to be able to move through my emotions as quickly as I did and to be able to let go of my need to know is HUGE for me because as a Virgo, I can analyze things to death! 😆

Going back to the uneasy feeling I had... I realize, in hindsight, that what I was feeling was NOT related to the thoughts I was having ABOUT going back.  I was feeling something subtly similar but still different... the gut feeling that many people talk about having.  I didn't take the time to further investigate what/why I was feeling they way I did so consequently, I let myself down. I think I needed a reminder of what that uneasy gut feeling is because I don't feel it often. 

I do have a curiosity as to what kind of energy one or both of them were putting into this situation as it was a co-creative event.  That is also something I'm not going to waste my time on.  I doubt I will ever hear from them again except to get paid (and I was worried about that) and maybe someday we will cross paths again to compare notes.

I have yet to see the silver lining and I could also speculate about the many things that could be about but I'm relying on the trust that I have that not only will I be taken care of by following my own inner guidance but that everything works out the way it's supposed to.  I have faith in what I don't know...

The contrast between these two experiences gives me a clear indicator of how far I've come since my last "episode" last year.  Not only did I move through my emotions rather quickly compared to last year (I was over the same day it happened) but I also do not feel the need to discuss this with anyone like I usually do.  Last year I needed to talk about it with my bestie in Hawai'i.  This time I feel complete without doing that.  I did tell my current housemates what happened because when I got home, I was in tears and I wanted them to know I was OK.  I also told my Mom and Stepdad but from the same point of view as this blog post.  

So this was a lesson in discernment, trust and faith.  Discernment of the feelings in my body and trusting those feelings and faith in that had I said no again, I would have been taken care of one way or another.  It was a challenge that I will probably be faced with again and that's OK.  I love a good challenge!

I share this in hopes that someone reading it will realize that it IS possible, through inner work, that you can see the patterns of behavior that repeat and actually do something about it.  We all have our own pathways to resolving our "issues" and all it takes is a desire to change things; to want a better relationship with ourselves and then the path can and will reveal itself in a variety of ways.  Don't let "inner work" intimidate you!  It's not as hard as you think to face yourself.😁

Lost and Found

I'm sad today.  Due to some unforeseen and unfortunate events with my Son's Great Grandmother that he and his father have been living with for the last 3 years or so, my Son has come to stay with me for a few days.  While this, of itself, is something I've wanted, I'm sad because I realize that my Son will not ever live with me unless something happens to his Dad.

My son was part of the inspiration I had to have a better relationship with myself because I saw that I wasn't being the Mother I wanted to be with him.  However, because I was gone so long to Hawai'i, my Son got used to living with his Father and after having him live with me for only a few days, I realize that living with him is much like living with his Father lifestyle wise.

I've thought I wanted to have my Son live with me so that I could teach him about ascension and be a better example for him than I was in the past.  But I realize, that was one of my own ego trips.  I had become attached to the IDEA of him living with me; having this unrealistic and somewhat romantic idea of how it would be living with my Son.😝

I'm still a better example than I used to be and I know my Son sees this because we've had discussions around that in the past, however, after living with him for just a few days, I realize that it would be more stressful than I anticipated because of how differently we live and I would unconsciously or consciously manipulate him into changing how he lives.

I would rather my Son make his changes by his own choice.  I've had to make mistakes in my own life in order to make the healthy changes I have done and my Son has already demonstrated that he will need to do the same thing.  Nothing wrong with that but as a parent, I was hoping to help him avoid that!  lmao  I was kidding myself... thinking that I could help my Son avoid contrasting moments when I have no idea what he came here to experience!

So I'm sad that I've hung onto this unrealistic idea of living with my Son for so long and that, now, I have to give it up.

I do have a few things to be grateful for... I'm grateful that I have a wonderful relationship with my Son for the sacrifices I've made for him, I'm grateful that I have had these few days with him to see that it would not really work for either one of us to live together and I'm grateful that we have a strong spiritual connection that will endure whatever happens. 😇

Upon this realization, I've wondered what it means for his ascension... I've now thought that maybe he came here to experience "the best of the last" which is what I've had to acknowledge for myself as I've seen in my own life.  Also that he is here to help his Dad because from what I see of Dad, he's not going to make the cut to the next level of being.  My Son even told me that he would still choose to live with his Father even though I'm back from Hawai'i for over 2 years now.  I assume that neither one of them will make it and my Son will go to another 3D planet with his Father to continue the experience of duality.

I feel the time coming when the energetic separation will occur and I realize that maybe what I'm experiencing now is my time to let go before that happens.

I recently listened to a Kryon message that he mentioned that even if family members do get separated in the physical with this process, that we are still able to come together in the higher realms where our higher selves resides and laugh and joke about what is going on and the roles we have played in this Grand Game.

If my assumption about my Son and his Father are correct, then I have more to be grateful for... I won't have my Son in tow when I start my next leg of this journey to travel the world and teach people what the ascension process is about and how to lift their vibrations.  I know this is coming because I've seen it for years... the vision of myself talking before a vast crowd of people.  I've also had it foretold from having my palm read.

As I finish this post, it is the next day and I'm still a little down.  I wanted to talk with my son about this but it didn't seem appropriate and I don't think he cares anyhow.

Energy is definitely shifting... I'm ready to go home as I've been dog sitting for the last week.  I'm over picking up poop and cleaning up pee on the floor.😬

I need some nurturing and some love and affection.  I'm feeling very alone right now...😢