Re-Alignment

I have not had much I've wanted to talk about until now... it's been over a year since my last post.  I have had things that I could have talked about but I didn't have the inspiration until now.

I recently had an experience that showed me just how much I've grown from the inner work I've done.  I had a similar experience in 2018 that I thought I wrote about but I have not found where I did so I will mention what happened because of the contrast that it gives between the two events.

Back in 2017, I moved in with a woman who is blind and wanted help with specific things.  It became clear with a short time that this woman not only needed more help than she was aware of but also there were indications that she had an issue with alcohol and some memory challenges associated with it.  More than once she told me something only to turn around and to say she never said it.😳  It came down to her lying about being in my room when the evidence that she couldn't see was there for ME to see.  There were other incidences that happened that made it clear I needed to find another place to live.  She also asked me to leave and in all honesty, I was grateful for the confirmation of my own decision to move.  Not only did I find a couple that I resonated with and appreciate what I do for them but I moved a week earlier than the time I was given.  

The incident I want to highlight here was when I left to go pet sit for someone,  I took a picture of my son with me that I later forgot I had taken and accused my roommate of taking based upon an assumption that she was getting back at me for sharing information with her that she wasn't ready for that caused her mental and physical stress.  Later on, after I moved, I found the picture even though I had made a thorough search for it BEFORE I accused her.  

This whole incident was not handled as gracefully as I would have liked and I had to question WHY my inner guidance (that I have learned to trust and follow DAILY) had not led me to the picture ahead of my accusation.  THAT was at the crux of my confusion of why all this happened.  How had I forgotten that I took my picture and why did I not remember until I moved?

I did wish my roommate the best and I did not hold any hard feelings against her.  That, at least, was a definite improvement over other incidents that had happened in my past where I held onto all the negative emotions for days if not weeks.

What I gleaned from that experience was that some people often need more help than they realize and are not in a position to accept help or information in other areas of their life and I am in no position to assess what people are ready for or not.  I did not get any indicators up front that this was not going to be the situation I thought it would be like the next one I will share.

A little over a week ago, I was requested for another pet sit, this time outside of the area that I usually cover because I ride my bike everywhere as I have no car.  Initially when I got the call, I made the decision right away to decline the request because I'm not attached to having certain jobs or the potential money that can come from them.  This particular job was in the foothills and it would have been very difficult for me to get up there not to mention getting to the other jobs I have almost daily.  

So, initially, I said no and why.  I was offered their car to use so I reconsidered, especially since I had not had a well paying job and my bank account was getting a little low on funds.

After going up there to get the details on what I was going to have to do, I started to feel a little uneasy about going back.  My mind came up with all kinds of stuff and I didn't ignore what I was feeling but I also did not take the time to sit with it further to understand what I was picking up on.

The first six days went just fine,  I felt like it was going well and I was able to relax regarding all of the complicated details I had to keep track of like making sure the two cats didn't get out and that their VERY strong dog didn't take ME for a walk. lol  Also, they had multiple doors (we're talking about a million dollar McMansion here) that I had to make sure were closed at all times AND locked.  I made sure that as soon as I came in from outside that I securely latched the door AND locked it!

Last Monday, I had gone in and out multiple times of 3 different doors but was 100% positive that I had locked every one as soon as I came in.  I left to go walk a dog and I was aware that the irrigation people were coming by to blow out the system so I had to be back at a certain time to allow them access.

I got back up there and was told that they had arrived early and that the front door was WIDE OPEN!  OMG, I thought, had the animals escaped?  I went inside to find the dog which, from my clients description, I would have thought would have been the first one out but she was a good girl and stayed in.  The cats, on the other hand, had both escaped.  

I noticed after I came back that I had a voicemail message on my phone that I should have received while I was out and in range of a signal but I did not get the notification AND my phone didn't ring!  The timestamp on my message from my client telling me she could see the cats were out told me that the door flew open right after I left.  I was gone for an hour and a half!  

Everyone they called for help showed up and I was told to leave.  I saw that coming and I don't blame them for doing so.  Had it been me, I would have done the same thing.  

I felt very bad about the situation knowing that I had let someone down who was counting on me.  I did not give any resistance to leaving and was very relieved to get back home.  Even the gentleman who gave me a ride home tried to lighten the mood and I remember thinking to myself that I knew there would be a "silver lining" to this situation but damned if I could see it yet.  

What confused me was how could I have left the door unlocked and unlatched when I had been so good at doing it and why (again) had my inner guidance not warned me?!  

It all worked out, just before I left, they found the first cat and later I got an email that both cats were back inside.  

I never had any negative thoughts about either one of them. Both of them were under stress and (for the most part) handled themselves very well considering what they were dealing with.  That, to me, was just one of the indicators of how much I've grown because my mind didn't go to the "blame game", I gave no resistance and I maintained my emotional balance throughout the situation except to cry some tears of sadness and frustration.

I have even dropped my need to know about why I didn't receive the phone call OR the notification OR a warning from my higher self what was about to happen.  I was also certain that I had locked the front door.  But none of that matters now. It's all a moot point because both cats are OK and I have accepted that I just wasn't meant to be there.  I KNOW without a doubt that everything happens for a reason and we don't always need to know what that is.  For me to be able to move through my emotions as quickly as I did and to be able to let go of my need to know is HUGE for me because as a Virgo, I can analyze things to death! 😆

Going back to the uneasy feeling I had... I realize, in hindsight, that what I was feeling was NOT related to the thoughts I was having ABOUT going back.  I was feeling something subtly similar but still different... the gut feeling that many people talk about having.  I didn't take the time to further investigate what/why I was feeling they way I did so consequently, I let myself down. I think I needed a reminder of what that uneasy gut feeling is because I don't feel it often. 

I do have a curiosity as to what kind of energy one or both of them were putting into this situation as it was a co-creative event.  That is also something I'm not going to waste my time on.  I doubt I will ever hear from them again except to get paid (and I was worried about that) and maybe someday we will cross paths again to compare notes.

I have yet to see the silver lining and I could also speculate about the many things that could be about but I'm relying on the trust that I have that not only will I be taken care of by following my own inner guidance but that everything works out the way it's supposed to.  I have faith in what I don't know...

The contrast between these two experiences gives me a clear indicator of how far I've come since my last "episode" last year.  Not only did I move through my emotions rather quickly compared to last year (I was over the same day it happened) but I also do not feel the need to discuss this with anyone like I usually do.  Last year I needed to talk about it with my bestie in Hawai'i.  This time I feel complete without doing that.  I did tell my current housemates what happened because when I got home, I was in tears and I wanted them to know I was OK.  I also told my Mom and Stepdad but from the same point of view as this blog post.  

So this was a lesson in discernment, trust and faith.  Discernment of the feelings in my body and trusting those feelings and faith in that had I said no again, I would have been taken care of one way or another.  It was a challenge that I will probably be faced with again and that's OK.  I love a good challenge!

I share this in hopes that someone reading it will realize that it IS possible, through inner work, that you can see the patterns of behavior that repeat and actually do something about it.  We all have our own pathways to resolving our "issues" and all it takes is a desire to change things; to want a better relationship with ourselves and then the path can and will reveal itself in a variety of ways.  Don't let "inner work" intimidate you!  It's not as hard as you think to face yourself.😁

OOPS, I did it again! wink wink

What is it about people that compels them to want to read about the negative things that other people go through?  Well, in my experience of learning about psychology, it's because they don't want to be the "only ones" going through their shit and they want to read/hear about what other people are going through so they can feel better about their own stuff.  It's an albeit negative way to connect with people and that's really at the heart of it.

I forget where I've heard this but it's been said that if a group of people were to lay out all their problems on a table so they could see what everyone else had and were asked if they would want to exchange their problems for someone else's that everyone would end up taking back their own.  I think that is so true.  
At least for me, when I hear about what someone else is going through, I often have thoughts of, "omg, I don't think I'd want to go through that!" or, "better you than me"; and I mean that in the sense of, we don't give ourselves anything we can't handle.  So whatever someone is going through, they are better equipped than I to handle it because THEY are the ones going through it!  
Of course you have to buy into the belief that we create our path that we want to experience BEFORE we incarnate into the body and that's a hard concept for people to swallow if they haven't done the appropriate research to come to that conclusion like I have.

I think we all go through what is called, "The Dark Night of the Soul" and it's those experiences that show us, when we come out the other side, what we're made of and that we are stronger than we think.  I have been through a few myself and I feel I'm done with that.  At least, I hope so... my experience of life now is one of joy.  I'm living one of many dreams and making money doing something I love and that I happen to be very good at.

It started for me being bullied by my own Mom and that transferred to being bullied (a bit but not a lot) in school because kids seem to sniff out someone with low self esteem to pick on them.  But the ones doing the bullying are often being bullied themselves and not all being bullied become bullies.  I didn't...  I went the opposite way and became a "doormat".  I had an intense desire to help others and that often translated into being taken advantage of in different ways.  
I was also in the military for 2 years and went through the brainwashing program that all enlistees go through to be broken down so you become compliant and don't question the established authority.  I had to get over that too!  lol

I went through many obstacles in my life and came out the other side of most of them.  There were definitely "lessons" that I had to repeat like so many other people also.  I learned to see these obstacles as "learning opportunities" instead of facing them with dread and fear.  It's hard to imagine that we'd do this to ourselves through the creation of our own experience but that is exactly the case because overcoming our obstacles empowers us and leaves us better equipped to face the next challenge:  what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

It's been a long road for me... I have had the mindset that many people still have; I bought into all the lies, the deceit, the bullshit and the kind of thinking that kept me from dealing with my shit, namely adopting the "victim" attitude until I decided that needed to go.  When I made that decision, it still took me 14 years to get where I am today with myself where I accept and embrace all my dark parts because it's in those dark parts where are greatest strengths and talents lie but first we have to change how we see those dark parts and get them so they are serving our Core Self and not working against it.  That takes dealing with whatever trauma we experienced.  It's a process and the process is different for everyone.

I've realized it's really changing the paradigm or how we think about things that creates the most change and heals us; having better connection with our self.  It takes courage to be radically honest with ourselves about what is working and what is not and CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSING to change things so that they are working for us AND for those around us.

My motto has been for a long time, "I am the change I wish to see".  It's been part of the "signature" on all my outgoing emails for a long time now.  I also strive for the win/win choice that is going to be the best for all concerned.  Most of the time it's just me but when I'm in a co-creative moment like when I'm going to spend time with my son, I do my best to include his choices into what we end up doing and when while still maintaining my role as "Mom" and making the best choices in that sense.  It's a difficult balance to keep sometimes.

The other "rule" I follow is the Golden One... I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I think that if we all made the commitment to follow that one rule that we'd all be a lot further along in our evolution.  If you follow just that one rule, everything else falls into place.  It's the one rule that follows the Law of Attraction:  You get back the energy you give out.  One catch here, I can hear people already; thinking that they would follow the rule so that nothing bad happens to them and I'm telling you, that's the wrong way to approach it.  That would be doing something out of fear and you'd end up creating a lot of negative karma for yourself.  Treating others the way you want to be treated has to be done from a space of love.  Because you love your neighbor as you love yourself and that's what keeps people from truly following this rule because they don't even love themselves much less their neighbor.

So how does one change that?  How does one truly Love themselves?  Well, for me, it took wanting a better relationship/connection with myself when I became aware of how my dysfunctional behaviors were not just affecting me, but the people I loved.  I decided I was done with making choices out of fear.  I started by listen to Abraham as channeled through Esther Hicks about the LOA because they would say the same thing different ways so that everyone would "get" what they were talking about.  She became very popular and I still listen to the vids she made of her workshops when I need reminders...

Then I was guided to go to Hawai'i for a bit and that was one of the hardest decisions and personal sacrifices I had to make.  It was about leaving mainstream living and all its aspects to devote the time to myself and facing my shit.  That meant leaving my then 7 year old son with his dysfunctional father and hoping for the best.  It ended up I was gone for 5.5 years but I came back a different person and my son noticed!  It made it all worth it!  This is just what I was guided to do for ME... I don't expect everyone to do something this drastic but it worked for me.

While in Hawai'i I went through what I first described as one of the WORST relationships I'd ever been through in terms of being drained emotionally and living with a narcissistic sociopathic person.  After pissing and moaning about him for a year to my bestie, I finally found a group that helped me find the pathways to healing most of the trauma I had been through, not just with him but from early on in my childhood.  I talk about this in previous posts called, "IFS, Vipasanna Meditation and Changes" and I think the one previous to that also. 

Now I look back on this relationship and see that it was the catalyst that was needed so that I would start to question myself and who I had been in that relationship and why it had not worked.  I am forever grateful for that relationship and for Aaron being who he is/was for me to start doing my own inner work.  But again, I had to shift how I saw him, myself and the whole situation to be able to come to a space of radical honesty and desire to change from being the "victim" to the "savior" of myself.  

You won't read about the details about my childhood and onward unless I decide to write a book about it because it's not about the details, it's what we do about what we've been through and how we handle it.  I don't believe in doing any more "intelligent bitching" or pissing and moaning about "problems" anymore because it keeps us stuck in the problem.  It doesn't offer any kind of solution and only adds negative energy to the problem... it's a vicious circle that can be hard to pull yourself out of.  I also don't give any energy to "regret" or resistance because it's futile.  Hence the quote I have from Buckminster Fuller, 
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” That applies to ourselves as well as the system we live by.

When are people going to wake up to that? Very soon I hope. We are well on our way for sure.

In conclusion, healing really is about becoming conscious of what is unconscious in us, being radically honest with ourselves, changing how we see ourselves and then wanting to change what is not working.  Don't worry about the "how".  The how will present itself if the desire to change is true.  You just have to be open to different possibilities.

I realize that this post started out as being about how people connect through sharing negative experiences and ended up being about myself once again.  I can't help but to share my own experience in how I changed myself to have better connection/relationship with my (lower, ego) self because just to share the negative would, again, not have offered a solution and that's what I'm about now as well as empowering people, by telling my story, to know they can do it themselves.  I can't just talk about my "stuff" anymore without telling you how I healed it.  So there ya go!  😉💖💋💪