Another layer...

 I'm continually surprised and dismayed to find that I forgive what I need to forgive and I feel good for a bit; the voice in my head is quiet and then, WHAMO! another layer surfaces.  I'm learning that forgiveness is NOT a one and done thing.

I've realized that I don't like the version of River that he chooses to be.  I can't do anything about that.  The only thing I can do is also forgive myself for compromising my integrity and my values to be with him.  I can also make better choices as to who I spend my time with and the version of myself I choose to be.

Every time a new layer surfaces, I feel like I'm back at square one.  I'm pissed that not only is he standing in my way of following a passion to help him with self love, he's also standing in my way of having resolution with our situation.  I can't do anything about that either.  I want an apology but I know I won't get it because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.  

Maybe that's what his Mom neglected to teach him (since he credits his Mom for being who he is today) is that it's NOT right to lie to people.  I realize why we do this.  We do this to protect ourselves and to get what we want in the moment.  It's not wrong in that sense, however, we have to ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be.  I don't know that he ever asks himself that question.  I do know that if he's has lied to his new girlfriend and she finds out that that will be the end of that relationship unless she can live with that.  I know I can't because it's the difference between a solid foundation, built on honesty and trust and a foundation where lies create holes and trust is called into question.  No relationship can last with the latter.

So here I am again... faced with the challenge again to forgive him and myself over not getting what I want.  Part of me thinks I need to have that apology to move on.  The forgiveness is going to have to be enough because I've decided (again) that I don't need people like him in my life.  People that can just toss others aside like a piece of trash because they've gotten what they need out of them and find "greener grass somewhere else".  That's what it feels like.  Actions speak louder than words.  He says I'm his friend but he treats me like an enemy.