Just WHAT the fuck?!

 I can get seriously down on myself and I know that because of what I project onto other people... 

Today I made a serious boo-boo that, given, I didn't know I was making but just the same, my first go-to was to want to blame someone else (I honestly didn't know I was the one who did it) instead of thinking about it (because I was already stressed and thinking someone had been in the house unannounced) and realizing I was the one at fault.

Let me give some context here... about a month ago, we had a leak in the dishwasher and no one noticed until it was squishing up between the holes in the grout of the tile floor.  I was visiting the owners of the house in another state and our housemate found it.  

Long story short, the leak was so bad that it molded under the tile and when they went further to the sub floor, they found THREE layers of linoleum from the 50's on up that had asbestos in it!  So, we have no kitchen to work with and we have to wait nearly a MONTH before permits are received and they can start work to take out everything that has asbestos in it...OY VEY!!!😖 Why is there no eye-roll emoji?

So, eventually, when they start work, they will have to take ALL the tile flooring out which also goes in front of the stair that lead to our bedrooms.  Is this sinking in yet how frustrating and stressful this has become?

I've also had to change bedrooms before they start work.

So, my housemates have come home from their trip to pack up the kitchen, the pantry and move the fridge... here it comes... when they disconnected the water line that goes to the fridge for water/ice, they had to shut off the water under the sink because there is no valve to shut off the water at the line.  I didn't know this (they left again to go camp somewhere and de-stress) and turned on the water in the kitchen so I could fill a watering can for plants.  There is a LOUD dehumidifier AND a HEPA filter going full blast so I can't hear OR see (because the kitchen is encased in opaque plastic) the water spouting from the fridge water line and hitting the carpet covered stairs.  Luckily, I shut off the water again but it took me a few minutes to notice the water soaked stairs.  When I did see it, it never occurred to me that when I turned the water on under the sink, the water also came out of the fridge line.  I couldn't figure out where the water had come from and the (only ((eye-roll))) conclusion I could come up with is that someone had dumped a bucket of water down the stairs... 😆 I know, right?

So the title of this post is referring to me being frustrated with myself for ONE, being a dumb-ass and not putting two and two together about the water being shut off and the fridge line and TWO having my first thought that it had to be someone else's fault.  I also am inclined to do some finger pointing at (those two) for not telling me why the water was shut off or that it was even off at all.  It just goes to show you how important communication is and I'm frequently reminded of that.

Can you tell I'm having a hard time forgiving myself?  They aren't even mad (even after freaking out on the phone with my housemate and sending her photos of the mess I made) and just told me to vac up as much as I could with a carpet cleaner vac.

I'm tired of this behavior in myself and I realize how often I make people "wrong".  I don't go out of my way to make people wrong , however, I find myself wanting to correct people in what they are saying that is misinterpreted, a miscommunication, misunderstanding or flat out wrong because I want people to have the correct information but I know I don't have the best delivery of that information and I can be flat out blunt.  

Part of this hmmmm awkward delivery? is my flat-out frustration at all the lies that I'm aware of that we have been told about literally EVERYTHING!

I want people to know the truth and while I know it's not my job to make that happen, I feel like I do need to make corrections when I hear/see them.  

Even know I know what I tell myself is true, sometimes I do find myself making people wrong from my ego instead of making corrections from my heart and this is very disconcerting to me.  I know I'm not perfect, however, I do my best to be as close to that perfection that I AM as possible.  

This "flaw" in my character has become more obvious.  I know it's a reflection of how I make myself wrong.  I hear in my mind what this is; making up situations in my imagination where some part of me is explaining to a "stranger" why I'm doing what I'm doing or saying what I'm saying.  I don't, however, hear the initial judgment and I think it's because I've pushed away the "judge" so I don't hear those comments in my mind anymore but they are still there...  I don't know what to do about this!  I'm so frustrated because this is not who I choose to be and it honestly takes a lot of effort to remember in the moment to be more understanding and not make judgments of myself!  It's actually easier for me to have more understanding for others.  I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself!