I'm glad I got out what I did in the last post because it stopped all the negative thinking I was having about you, however, I woke up this morning and felt a lightness of being I haven't felt in a long time. I'm rethinking cutting you out of my life because... it just doesn't FEEL right. I'm more sad and disappointed than angry; sad and disappointed that even though I asked you NOT to lie to me, you did anyway. I know I made it alright when I told you it's OK because that's how we need to protect ourselves sometimes so I can't really make you wrong for that. And calling you out for that, even just here, is still that and I've just been reminded that calling people out is still making them wrong and it continues the "us/them" 3D bullshit that I do my best not to engage in.😢
I'm also sad and disappointed that you said that I inspire you to be the best version of yourself and I got a version that was well below what I expected but hey, don't beat yourself up AT ALL. You're doing the best you can with what you have and that has to be good enough for now.
So, I forgive you, it doesn't mean I condone your behavior and if I look back at my own life, I'd only be condemning myself as well because I've done the same shit. I've lied to get what I want; I've done all kinds of shit out of insecurity. The choice to forgive is for me, not you. You must forgive yourself; that is to be (for giving) your self (the lower self that needed to lie) love in the form of understanding and acceptance. Understanding and acceptance that you did what you did because this is just where your consciousness was at the time and that will change as you grow and change from learning from your mis-takes.
And I hope you do because if you try to "work on" or build this new relationship with (her) with the same kind of shit, it's not going to work and she may not stand for it. She will wonder what else you lied about. KNOW without a doubt that eventually, all lies get exposed, all secrets come out and I'm not saying I will tell her myself out of spite. There will be some kind of "tell" or slip up that will be made that will be the out. If she ASKS me, I will tell her and I will give her the WHOLE truth but only if she asks. I don't see that happening because I'm still going to do my best to avoid you. This is just what I need to do for me. I'm still going to go to tags Wednesdays and Saturdays when I can for my own socialization but I won't be playing with the usual crowd. Remember, the lie is ALWAYS worse that whatever it is you want to hide.😉 Lies can NEVER be part of the foundation of ANY relationship.
We will not have a REAL friendship until we can come together and talk out our differences. You took what issue you had with me and boxed it up, swept it under the rug; however you want to phrase it. It doesn't just disappear because you've hidden it, it becomes a festering wound that will always be in the background of any interaction that we have and that's the main reason why I need to avoid you. I don't want' to see/hear any kind of fake front you have to offer.
I still don't know if I'll ever be able to trust what you say again, however, I'm willing to give you a second chance at FRIENDSHIP and nothing more. I still accept you as you are, however, there is too much that I would want to change for you that you have to want to change yourself; behaviors that you have that I'm not willing to deal with in a partner. I'm holding out for the mature man who is ALREADY doing his "inner work" to be the best version of himself that he can be who isn't insecure with himself and NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel OK.
I'm still not even sure if this whole thing was just so you could have a reason to break up with Sarah. I never asked you the right questions in the moment to get the answers I needed to have the whole picture. Do you see my dilemma? Did you ever REALLY care about me? Or was I just a stepping stone for you?😞 I suppose at this point, it doesn't really matter. I'd only be looking for another way to make you wrong and I think you KNOW what you did was wrong, you just can't admit it; to your self or to me.
So, that's that. I've come to a neutral place within myself with you. What will you do next?
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