I need to do this... this might get long and there will be a LOT of profanity! This part of me needs to be heard. I stand by my decision to love him despite his shitty attitude toward me and even his lies, it will just be from afar... Please keep in mind this is just me letting a part of me out to be expressed. It's NOT how I feel overall or all the time. This is a difficult part of my lower self that I have to deal with and because I've been hurt, this part is doing its best to protect me from being hurt again by the same person. This is a part of me that was created when my life was threatened (literally!) and is very defensive, protective and willing to go to great lengths to do so, even if it means cutting someone out of my life.
Even though I have dissolved this agreement/contract from another life that he and I have together, my mind will not stop with all the things I want to tell him... He has asked me to stop emailing him (fucking crybaby!) and has me blocked on his phone so I have no way of communicating with him and it's not like I'm just going to show up at his house.
He fucking LIED to me! He lied to me about telling (everyone) about us. I wasn't really checking up on him but I was curious what he told his housemate/landlord so I asked him when he had told him about us and was it after I left the party. I got this quizzical look like he didn't know what I was talking about so I said, "Did (River) tell you about us?" and he said that (River) hadn't said anything about that. I told him that he had said he told everyone so obviously he lied. He got this look on his face that told me he really didn't want to hear about it and I can't blame him for not wanting to be in the middle to I dropped it.
SO... if he didn't tell his housemate, then he didn't tell anyone else that we play with either (or his new girlfriend) and it makes sense because I didn't notice anything different about how any of our mutual friends were looking at me or treating me. I know at least SOMEONE would have looked at me sideways or asked me something. I'm pretty good at reading people. Even if he HAD told them, I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have told them EVERYTHING like how he came onto ME 2 years before he broke up with his girlfriend. We were seeing and sleeping with each other a full FIVE months before he broke up with her.
I can't say I'm all that happy with my own behavior... I told him I wouldn't sleep with him unless he was single and I did anyway. I compromised my own integrity out of fear of losing him... I know that's why he also lied to me... over and over again in the way of leaving out vital information that definitely would have changed things. I find it interesting how we both mirrored each other's core fear; he mirroring my fear of vulnerability (lying about stuff) and me mirroring his fear of being abandoned (me compromising my integrity to hold onto him). It's been a lesson for sure... I'm not sure I could ever trust him again and his lies makes me want to question everything he's told me. I don't know what was the truth and what was a lie...
Can you believe that little shit actually threatened me with a restraining order if I emailed him?! The nerve. He said that he was trying to "work on his relationship" and I told him that when he had a REAL relationship with himself, he'd have a REAL relationship with someone else and he had the gall to tell me, "This is where you get psychotic". Are you FUCKING kidding me??? What's psychotic is telling me I'm your friend in one breath and then in the very next breath telling me you'll get a restraining order on me if I email you again! All he had to do was answer just one email and tell me he didn't want any more and I would have stopped. It's not like I sent him that many either, fucking baby! What a fucking idiot. He doesn't understand how everything out of his mouth is about him in some way shape or form. I've learned how to really listen to myself AND others...
I'm also not happy with how I ended us seeing each other. We were talking on the phone and he was starting to tell me how he was getting "that feeling again" like when he was with his girlfriend, Sarah and I kinda freaked out. I had told him a few times that our feelings are connected to the thoughts we are thinking, not what we are looking at or hearing but what we are THINKING about what we are seeing/hearing. (This IS true by the way) I was having a hard time being present with him as I was walking the family pets in the dark. He said something about energy something something and I remember telling him that it sounded like good advice and he should take it and Goodbye and I hung up. I was actually Ok with breaking up with him as it seemed like the beginning of the end with him telling me I was starting to be like Sarah. I didn't talk to him for week I tried to patch things up with him but he had already moved on having a "grass is greener over there" complex. He didn't even care to talk things out with me, he had the nerve to lie again saying he didn't have any issue with me and I knew he'd gotten together with this woman who had had his eye on him for a while. It came out the last time I talked to him as he mentioned me hanging up on him. I knew it was BULLSHIT that he didn't have any issues with me! What a fucking pussy that he doesn't even have the courage to confront me about it and talk it out so we can have a better understanding of each other. For the record, I did apologize like a month ago about my behavior but he had already blocked me on his phone so he never got the message. I wish I had had the presence of mind to just tell him I couldn't be present with him and needed to talk to him later but I didn't so there ya go.
I don't know if I even like him anymore. I am disgusted by his insecure behavior; testing the loyalty of his friends at the park after one of them told him he was annoying. His behavior IS annoying; belching out loud after drinking multiple beers so he can feel "free" and playing the victim to get attention. I hate that he uses drugs and alcohol to manage his emotional pain instead of taking my offer to help him deal with it. Honestly, I'm better off WITHOUT people like him in my life. I'm not missing out on ANYTHING.
It's really too bad because the man I fell in love with is still in there, just covered up with all this heavy baggage... I wish he could see himself like I once saw him. Instead he's adopted this somewhat egotistical and arrogant attitude that rubs me the wrong way. I think even his art is a way to get attention from Instagram. He needs to be noticed and the center of attention when he's feeling insecure. I see that at the park too.
He has ruined Valmont for me (the park where we play disc golf). I can't stand to be around him anymore and watch him fawn over L which he never did with me because we had to be a fucking SECRET! I'm not going to stop playing but I am going to have to sacrifice playing with "the guys" just so that I don't have to see him anymore. (that is until he goes back to Arizona) It's not working to just ignore him. I hear him talking and it grates on my nerves. I think I'm still pissed that I never got the attention from him that L gets from him. It has been over a decade since I've had a boyfriend/committed partner and I miss the attention and taking care of "my man". He doesn't deserve me given he doesn't care to bury the hatchet with me AND couldn't be there when I needed him just to answer a few questions so I could have some closure... NO.. then he would have had to admit that he lied to me even after I asked him not to... I am kicking myself in the ass after telling him that everyone lies and it's ok because it's one of the ways we protect ourselves. I told him that, "I'm a big girl and can handle the truth; that I'd rather have the ugly truth any day than a pretty lie..." so much for THAT! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
I gotta say, he's fucking lucky that I'm NOT vindictive or a revenge seeking person cuz I could REALLY do some damage... just sayin'. I might THINK about it but I'd never do it because that's just not the person I choose to be. I think I'm better off just cutting him out of my life FOR GOOD!
So, Z, if you happen to read this, you can go FUCK YOURSELF and you don't have to worry about ME doing or saying anything to fuck up your relationship because I know you'll do that all.by.your.self, in fact, I think you already have. She has NO idea who she's dealing with!
I'm not your friend but I'm not your enemy either. I want NOTHING to do with you... EVER!
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