My New Job (can I get an eye-roll please)

The new job I took on back on the 1st of March is proving to be more about dealing with some ego issues than for the extra money.  I originally took it because it got me out of the roommate situation I was in an gave me the extra money to move.

Now, I'm finding that while it's been a challenge learning how to make eye-catching flyers and dealing with presenters who take their time getting me their stuff, I'm realizing that (my employer) is bringing up my "stuff"; the very defensive part of me that has yet to relinquish its position in my psyche!  lol  I have to laugh because, to me, it's hilarious and at the same time, very frustrating.  I feel it's this part that is so tenacious of its job is the one part of me that is holding me back from being completely balanced.  I'm very aware of how protective this part is and it's even more obvious when it comes to my employer because she is one of the most gentle, understanding and compassionate people I know.  

I'm not the only one who makes the flyers.  Sometimes my employer makes ones that she wants to look a certain way and rather than explain to me what she wants, she just does them herself.  My defensive part takes offense at that; seeing it as she doesn't trust me to do it and another part thinks, "What's the big deal?  She's helping you do your job!" and then I hear, "Yeah but I have to redo the flyer anyway because of the program she has used.  It doesn't translate to the program I use..."  

It appears, from what I've had to deal with with this part (myself) is that this part thinks it knows better than my employer how to do this job!  She's been running the Caritas Center for many years now and another part of me is very aware that she knows better than I how to do this job and what she needs from me. 

I'm also hesitant to follow through with requests that she makes to do things a certain way.  Like today, I had to fix a link that didn't work in our bulletin that goes out every two weeks.  She wanted me to send out the flyer I had made for it ahead of when I had it scheduled and I told her I was not going to send it out today as I had it scheduled for Saturday.  I had to apologize to her after I thought about it for a bit and I got another email from her saying... "like I said..."  I realized this part does NOT like being told what to do and also needs an explanation of WHY we need to do something a certain way.  I told her this was a hold-over from when I was in the military and I don't agree with "just doing what I'm told." 😜

So it appears that having this job isn't just about the money and while it was a lot more stressful at the beginning, it is getting easier and I don't have to spend as much time "figuring things out" as I did in the beginning, however, I still question how much I need this job and I keep evaluating in my head the pros and cons of keeping it.  

I am grateful that it has brought up stuff I need to work on, however, the money I get for this job doesn't seem to compensate me for the time I work on it.  One of the best things about doing this job is I can do it from anywhere and the other is that I get first-hand knowledge of what events are happening.  I also get to go for free to any of them if I volunteer to greet people as they come in and help set up.

I know I won't have this job forever and I can't help but think that it's helping me adjust to being busier than I'm used to being as well as helping me realize what I need to work on in my self.  

I'm just grateful I can see that and I can own it!💗🙌😌

Let's Be Real

When I was with the Maui Forum group back a few years ago, the other members got somewhat upset with me for just sharing the "teacher" side of my self.  While it was an open forum and we were allowed to talk about whatever we wanted, most if not all of the members chose to air/share their personal "stuff".  I suppose it was that I was unconsciously afraid to be vulnerable to this group of strangers and talk about my own stuff.  I was more interested in "helping" others at that point; an unconscious need to help myself.  I saw it as a platform to either stand on my "soapbox" or share what I thought I knew about how to heal; what had worked for me thus far.  At what I felt like was great personal risk, I shared and it ended up being (eventually) one of the most cathartic shifts in the healing of my Self.  I share that now, because I realize after re-reading my own posts and taking note of how many other people have read them, the one that got the most reads was actually the one called "Sadness" followed up by two about compassion and love.  I think people are more interested in knowing that I go through my shit just like they do... 💩💣💜

I realize that my blog has taken on the flavor of the "teacher" so I thought I might open up again to reveal the Human side of my self once again. 👿

This last week or so has been tough mentally and emotionally for me.  I have been aware of a really nasty side of myself has decided it needed some attention.  I think what triggered it, honestly, was watching a show on Netflix that has ended up being WAY too violent to watch.  I started watching it because of the time travel/future premise and also all the tech that is being revealed through that show.  I found myself getting wrapped up in the story, on the edge of my seat, but upset by the storyline also.  I was torn between the supposed "good guy"cops doing their job to protect the city from violence and the supposed "bad guys" who were trying to rid the future of the strangle-hold that corporations had through technology.  It was really the "bad guys" I sided with but hated that they chose to use violence to make their point even though the thread of non-violence was there also.  The show is called "Continuum" if you're curious.  Be very careful if you decide to watch it.

My mind started to create these "scenarios" in my head where if anyone gave me any shit about ANYTHING, I wanted to beat the crap out of them!  I wasn't actually going through this in real life with anyone but my mind would "futurize" about an upcoming interaction I would have and come up with the worst case scenario about it where I have to defend myself in some way or just stand up for myself.  I have learned behavior patterns from my youth that I learned from a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive to me so I can have this streak of snarkyness and flat-out rudeness.  I can also be very blunt.  If I feel stressed in any way, it is somewhat difficult for me to curb my mouth.  I have to really watch what I want to say to people to avoid being this side of myself.  😈 I'm thinking that the planetary alignments have not been helping either from what Kaypacha says in his weekly Pele Report.

When I noticed what was happening, at first I just let it be there because that's what I've learned to do with my lower self.  It's just trying to protect me by assuring me through the envisioning of the "worst-case scenario" that it's got my back although, realistically I don't know that I would be able to follow through on some of the stuff my mind makes up!  That is also NOT who I choose to BE.  It's difficult to accept that being nasty is how my ego is determining how I should deal with people when I know better and Love is what heals.

I realized after a few days of this that it wasn't subsiding and that, it was actually getting worse.  I noticed I was in a space that was only allowing me to see what I perceived as "wrong" with people.  I wasn't able to see anything that I could appreciate about people which is usually where I'm at.  I may still see stuff about people that I don't like but I can laugh it off because I know that where other people are at i.e. their behaviors doesn't have to affect me.  Telling myself that, "People are doing the best they can do with what they have" wasn't working. 😩

I had been watching the previous week a series on Gaia TV that David Wilcock hosts called "Wisdom Teachings" and I was about half-way through season 27 about Ascension and the Solar Flash.   I decided to stop watching Continuum and pick up where I left off with season 27.  The very next episode talked about "The Hero's Journey".  I described exactly what I was going through, only with just myself.  The Hero's Journey is a common theme in a lot of movies where the protagonist has to face some part of himself portrayed by the "villain" in order to succeed, save the girl etc.  I had actually asked myself what the hell was going on and that's when I was inspired to start watching David's videos again.

I have actually been through many of these "Hero's Journeys" with myself and each time I can see where I'm testing myself.  I'll actually get a "warning" by seeing 333 that I'll have a decision to make and it's almost always a small choice that will have a big impact like "turning the cheek" vs. telling someone to fuck off!  lmao  Most of the time I'm aware that I'm in that moment but sometimes my mouth and ego get the better of me and I pay the price.

Before I watched David on Gaia again, I was also aware that I was having a hard time having compassion for other people as well as myself.  When I saw the "Hero's Journey" episode and I understood that that is where I was at, it made it easier to have that compassion I needed for this part of myself that just wanted to protect me.  I also had to admit to myself that I am sometimes very frustrated with people when they are unconscious of how their actions are affecting the people around them or they seem not to care.  As I rise in vibration from doing this inner work that I do, I notice a greater contrast in attitudes in myself as well as those around me.

And it's not just attitudes that I'm frustrated with... it's how long this cycle is taking to conclude and I mean where we finally have  FULL DISCLOSURE and the TRUTH about all the greed, ritual abuse, human trafficking and pedophilia etc is finally exposed and the people (cabal; those who call themselves "elite") behind all of it are taken out of the way for the release of all the technology that has been suppressed and held back from us as well as all of the money that has been stolen from us through illegal taxation!  I want it over with already!  I want people to STOP being so FUCKING ignorant and WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! 😖

Well, it's happening, just a little too damn slow for me.  I'm already there and I'm waiting for the rest to catch up.  I do understand why this IS taking so long and why it's being done the way it is.  That's a whole 'nother blog entry!

All that said, I am also aware that this impatience I feel is also impatience with myself.  Impatience knowing that I still have this snarky badass that is still left to be re-integrated with the rest of my ego parts.  That also means I have a piece of my soul that has yet to be healed.  I know what that's about and that's also another blog entry.  😉

Maybe my anger and frustration would have come through better had I written this a few days ago when I was going through it.  I'm actually (mostly) on the other side of it already.   As soon as I asked what was going on, I  got my answer and I accepted it, I felt the compassion for my self (ego) and the feelings I had had and they disappeared on their own but I had to sit with them for a bit while I struggled with the scenarios my mind created around how to deal with people.

I have to laugh because it turned into another chance to teach but I know that's part of the reason I'm here.

I'm very happy that the work I've done on myself has strengthened my will to choose the person I'd rather be (lead from heart) rather than from ego (being a snarky badass).  That has not always been true but from my own experience, I KNOW behaviors can change, people just have to want to change.  💖💪👽😄