First of all, let me be clear; my intention in sharing my perspective on these behavior patterns is to inform, enlighten and educate from my own personal experience. I am only my OWN expert of my OWN psychology. I don't pretend to know all the answers, know what others have been through or know the path of anyone else. That said, having done my own "inner work" I do have a pretty good understanding of how behaviors become pathological and that people DO and CAN change. They just have to want to. They have to be WILLing to do their own "inner work".
My experience came from being in a relationship with a man who displayed these behaviors. It wasn't until he finally left that I started to question what had happened to me in this relationship and those questions led me to Maui where I found a group of people (The Maui Forum) that I got involved with who were also doing research on self healing. It was these people that found IFS which I talk about in a previous post. You can find many books about it here. I personally recommend "Self Therapy" by Jay Earley PhD. This book is a self guide to doing the inner work I talk about based on the work of Richard C. Schwartz.
I say that these behaviors are misunderstood because THEY ARE. I'm talking about the average person who, because they may or may not have had contact with people who use the strategies associated with the behavior don't understand that they are merely PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR and STRATEGIES for getting needs met. They assume that people are their behaviors and this is simply not true. If you are unaware of what the markers of this behavior are, see a good source here. I encourage you to click on all the links in the article to further educate yourself. Gary is a great writer.
I'm dismayed by the attitudes people choose to have about people who suffer from these behaviors! They would rather push away and not deal with these people at all. I don't blame people for that at all; I understand that but in not KNOWING YOUR SELF (your lower or ego self) this is exactly what we do to our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we aren't willing to deal with in ourselves! It's because we don't take the time to "KNOW THYSELF" that we don't understand all of these behaviors and where they come from. It was only through doing my own inner work that I understood that WE ALL have ALL of the archetypes, and behaviors available to us to use, they are just not all activated in every one of us for various reasons. It was through accepting that I have used some of these behaviors like manipulation and entitlement to get what I thought I needed that I was able to accept the behavior that my previous partner had used with me to get what he needed. It is probably wise that if you don't have this understanding and aren't able to come to a place of compassion for these people that you DO get away from someone who displays a lack of empathy, understanding and/or narcissistic behavior before they drain you of energy.
Love and Compassion IS what will heal these people as well as addressing some of the chemical imbalances that may be present. While I don't use allopathic medicine myself, some of the drugs available do work to correct these imbalances; however, I think this is a short term "fix" as I do not really believe in allopathic medicine because it does not treat the whole person, just the symptoms and to me, ALL pharmaceutical are POISON. I ONLY advocate taking that path if you are already on it. That said, there have been many strides made using psylocybin (mushrooms) that have been shown to produce a "reset" for the emotional body and help with depression. See the article here.
Much of this detrimental behavior is LEARNED. Again, this is NOT who people are. Behavior can and does change. In dealing with my former partner, I saw evidence that he was aware of his own behavior but didn't know what to do about it and at the time, I did not have the wisdom to help him that I have now. Let's be real here... there are some people who enjoy the hurt they inflict on others through this behavior but this hasn't always been true for them.
It starts with going through some kind of traumatic event, usually as children and from there events unfold, behaviors are learned, adopted and acted upon. It is all very personal and it takes facing these parts of ourselves that have been traumatized to understand how it all happens. This is the "inner work" that I advocate. It's a direct approach to healing the psyche. We have been taught and led to believe that the "ego" is bad, a demon and needs to die etc. This couldn't be further from the truth! Having that perception of yourself is exactly what keeps you in your own pathology! Our ego is our protector, it just goes a little overboard sometimes in doing its "job". Varying degrees of insecurity trigger the ego into its thought process. Healing insecurity comes when you KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
The key to understanding the pathologies and behaviors in other people, it starts with understanding our own. I can't emphasize enough to KNOW YOURSELF! That was a thread in the movie "The Matrix". That was what the plaque said above the kitchen door of the Oracle and the advice she gave to Neo. Be brutally honest with yourself so you cannot be deceived by your self anymore and tackle your own issues head on. There are many ways to doing this and it will be unique for every individual. TRUST that given you really want a better relationship with your self, you will be guided by your OWN inner guidance. We all have it but most of us ignore it. You will be amazed with what you learn about yourself! Be patient and compassionate with yourself. The goal of doing the "inner work" is to find and live from the part of our Selves that is REAL and TRUE. We are Love and we are ALL ONE.
I have found that by doing my own inner work, I not only understand my self better, I understand other people, have more compassion for them and I'm less likely to be deceived by them. I also am no longer insecure because I know who I AM. Doing this work not only helps our selves, but also helps the collective consciousness so that others find their way on this path.
How would I handle pathological and /or narcissistic behavior from someone? Well, it's all going to depend on each individual situation and where I'm at with my self. Mostly, I would just walk away with a smile on my face because I know I can't change anyone and that's the best thing I can do in the moment. I know better than to engage them. I might ask them if this is really who they choose to be and then walk away or, if I'm in a mood that I'm not going to put up with any shit, I have thoughts of telling them to fuck off but I never actually say that to people. I allow myself to think it and I appreciate that the part of me that has that thought but it's my freedom of my Will to choose whether I act on the thought or not.
SO: Educate yourself on this behavior so that you know what you're dealing with if you happen to engage with people who display this kind of behavior; you will be helping them immensely whether you know it or not; however, protect yourself and GET AWAY FROM THEM! They WILL drain you of not just your energy but whatever it is they think they can get from you. Don't feel sorry for them. Sympathy is not the same as compassion and keeps people in their stagnant energy. Compassion sees where they are and gives them the energy to make a change. Don't try to "rescue" them! They are most likely unconscious of their behavior. The best thing you can do is leave them alone to deal with their own stuff. That is showing them that you Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be used. They WILL get it sooner or later and hopefully ask for help. That is what I had to do with my last partner. I felt so drained of energy that I didn't know what else to do. I so believed that he was my "twin" and we were "supposed" to be together and given my own insecurities, it was very hard for me to do this but I did and I am better for it. I found my way and he has to find his own way. We CANNOT fix, rescue or heal anyone else. We all MUST do it for ourselves if we are to feel empowered, confident and lead ourselves with the Love that we are.
ADDENDUM 2/3/18
I was reminded with reading this article here that EVERYONE is an empath and those who we label psychopathic have just turned theirs off. They turn it off because, in my experience of my last partner, the pain of the often horrific trauma they have gone through gets triggered when they are around other people in pain and they just can't handle it! They shut down. However, as Josh says in the article, "But then Keysers asked his psychopathic volunteers to consciously empathise, and something very different happened: their brain responses were identical to the control group’s (Trends in Cognitive Science, vol 18, p 163). In other words, even if your default empathy state is “off”, you can turn it on when desired. That was an eye-opener, says Keysers: “It seemed clear that a spectrum of empathy could exist in all individuals.” They DO have the capacity to turn it back on. They just have to want to. Behaviors become pathological because the strategies employed WORK. When you do not KNOW YOUR SELF (your ego self) then you are unaware that you are even using a strategy to get a need met. It becomes a rut, a habit and we start to think this is who we are. But somewhere inside, we DO KNOW that we are NOT really like this.
I watched a 60 Minutes segment about a guy who helped start the "skinhead" or White Supremacist Group and in the middle of beating the shit out of a guy, he made eye contact with him and he just STOPPED. It took him a few years but now he has an active role in helping to STOP something he helped start. He has constant threats made on his life. You can watch or read about it here. Another example that when people put their mind to it, they can and DO change! 😊
My experience came from being in a relationship with a man who displayed these behaviors. It wasn't until he finally left that I started to question what had happened to me in this relationship and those questions led me to Maui where I found a group of people (The Maui Forum) that I got involved with who were also doing research on self healing. It was these people that found IFS which I talk about in a previous post. You can find many books about it here. I personally recommend "Self Therapy" by Jay Earley PhD. This book is a self guide to doing the inner work I talk about based on the work of Richard C. Schwartz.
I say that these behaviors are misunderstood because THEY ARE. I'm talking about the average person who, because they may or may not have had contact with people who use the strategies associated with the behavior don't understand that they are merely PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR and STRATEGIES for getting needs met. They assume that people are their behaviors and this is simply not true. If you are unaware of what the markers of this behavior are, see a good source here. I encourage you to click on all the links in the article to further educate yourself. Gary is a great writer.
I'm dismayed by the attitudes people choose to have about people who suffer from these behaviors! They would rather push away and not deal with these people at all. I don't blame people for that at all; I understand that but in not KNOWING YOUR SELF (your lower or ego self) this is exactly what we do to our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we aren't willing to deal with in ourselves! It's because we don't take the time to "KNOW THYSELF" that we don't understand all of these behaviors and where they come from. It was only through doing my own inner work that I understood that WE ALL have ALL of the archetypes, and behaviors available to us to use, they are just not all activated in every one of us for various reasons. It was through accepting that I have used some of these behaviors like manipulation and entitlement to get what I thought I needed that I was able to accept the behavior that my previous partner had used with me to get what he needed. It is probably wise that if you don't have this understanding and aren't able to come to a place of compassion for these people that you DO get away from someone who displays a lack of empathy, understanding and/or narcissistic behavior before they drain you of energy.
Love and Compassion IS what will heal these people as well as addressing some of the chemical imbalances that may be present. While I don't use allopathic medicine myself, some of the drugs available do work to correct these imbalances; however, I think this is a short term "fix" as I do not really believe in allopathic medicine because it does not treat the whole person, just the symptoms and to me, ALL pharmaceutical are POISON. I ONLY advocate taking that path if you are already on it. That said, there have been many strides made using psylocybin (mushrooms) that have been shown to produce a "reset" for the emotional body and help with depression. See the article here.
Much of this detrimental behavior is LEARNED. Again, this is NOT who people are. Behavior can and does change. In dealing with my former partner, I saw evidence that he was aware of his own behavior but didn't know what to do about it and at the time, I did not have the wisdom to help him that I have now. Let's be real here... there are some people who enjoy the hurt they inflict on others through this behavior but this hasn't always been true for them.
It starts with going through some kind of traumatic event, usually as children and from there events unfold, behaviors are learned, adopted and acted upon. It is all very personal and it takes facing these parts of ourselves that have been traumatized to understand how it all happens. This is the "inner work" that I advocate. It's a direct approach to healing the psyche. We have been taught and led to believe that the "ego" is bad, a demon and needs to die etc. This couldn't be further from the truth! Having that perception of yourself is exactly what keeps you in your own pathology! Our ego is our protector, it just goes a little overboard sometimes in doing its "job". Varying degrees of insecurity trigger the ego into its thought process. Healing insecurity comes when you KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
The key to understanding the pathologies and behaviors in other people, it starts with understanding our own. I can't emphasize enough to KNOW YOURSELF! That was a thread in the movie "The Matrix". That was what the plaque said above the kitchen door of the Oracle and the advice she gave to Neo. Be brutally honest with yourself so you cannot be deceived by your self anymore and tackle your own issues head on. There are many ways to doing this and it will be unique for every individual. TRUST that given you really want a better relationship with your self, you will be guided by your OWN inner guidance. We all have it but most of us ignore it. You will be amazed with what you learn about yourself! Be patient and compassionate with yourself. The goal of doing the "inner work" is to find and live from the part of our Selves that is REAL and TRUE. We are Love and we are ALL ONE.
I have found that by doing my own inner work, I not only understand my self better, I understand other people, have more compassion for them and I'm less likely to be deceived by them. I also am no longer insecure because I know who I AM. Doing this work not only helps our selves, but also helps the collective consciousness so that others find their way on this path.
How would I handle pathological and /or narcissistic behavior from someone? Well, it's all going to depend on each individual situation and where I'm at with my self. Mostly, I would just walk away with a smile on my face because I know I can't change anyone and that's the best thing I can do in the moment. I know better than to engage them. I might ask them if this is really who they choose to be and then walk away or, if I'm in a mood that I'm not going to put up with any shit, I have thoughts of telling them to fuck off but I never actually say that to people. I allow myself to think it and I appreciate that the part of me that has that thought but it's my freedom of my Will to choose whether I act on the thought or not.
SO: Educate yourself on this behavior so that you know what you're dealing with if you happen to engage with people who display this kind of behavior; you will be helping them immensely whether you know it or not; however, protect yourself and GET AWAY FROM THEM! They WILL drain you of not just your energy but whatever it is they think they can get from you. Don't feel sorry for them. Sympathy is not the same as compassion and keeps people in their stagnant energy. Compassion sees where they are and gives them the energy to make a change. Don't try to "rescue" them! They are most likely unconscious of their behavior. The best thing you can do is leave them alone to deal with their own stuff. That is showing them that you Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be used. They WILL get it sooner or later and hopefully ask for help. That is what I had to do with my last partner. I felt so drained of energy that I didn't know what else to do. I so believed that he was my "twin" and we were "supposed" to be together and given my own insecurities, it was very hard for me to do this but I did and I am better for it. I found my way and he has to find his own way. We CANNOT fix, rescue or heal anyone else. We all MUST do it for ourselves if we are to feel empowered, confident and lead ourselves with the Love that we are.
ADDENDUM 2/3/18
I was reminded with reading this article here that EVERYONE is an empath and those who we label psychopathic have just turned theirs off. They turn it off because, in my experience of my last partner, the pain of the often horrific trauma they have gone through gets triggered when they are around other people in pain and they just can't handle it! They shut down. However, as Josh says in the article, "But then Keysers asked his psychopathic volunteers to consciously empathise, and something very different happened: their brain responses were identical to the control group’s (Trends in Cognitive Science, vol 18, p 163). In other words, even if your default empathy state is “off”, you can turn it on when desired. That was an eye-opener, says Keysers: “It seemed clear that a spectrum of empathy could exist in all individuals.” They DO have the capacity to turn it back on. They just have to want to. Behaviors become pathological because the strategies employed WORK. When you do not KNOW YOUR SELF (your ego self) then you are unaware that you are even using a strategy to get a need met. It becomes a rut, a habit and we start to think this is who we are. But somewhere inside, we DO KNOW that we are NOT really like this.
I watched a 60 Minutes segment about a guy who helped start the "skinhead" or White Supremacist Group and in the middle of beating the shit out of a guy, he made eye contact with him and he just STOPPED. It took him a few years but now he has an active role in helping to STOP something he helped start. He has constant threats made on his life. You can watch or read about it here. Another example that when people put their mind to it, they can and DO change! 😊
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