The Purpose of Anger

This is actually a continuation of the last few entries so I encourage you to read them first if you haven't yet.  I want to add here that anything you see in " ", is because the word(s) is/are either metaphorical in nature (drops in the ocean) or it is a common word used that people have a misunderstanding about (other, negative) and I'm giving it a more rounded meaning.

I called my girlfriend, Ima, back and asked her about Marshall Rosenberg's book "The Surprising Purpose of Anger", which I knew she read.  Inner guidance was urging me to read this book.  I asked her how many pages it was and she texted back 44.  I found it at my local library and started reading it online.  I got through it in just a few hours; finishing it around 5:30 in the morning after waking up at 5:00.  (Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of NVC "NonViolent Communication")

I went back to sleep, feeling sleepy from the information I had just taken in.  I dreamt about sitting at a table with 3 other people, one of whom was helping me with some "inner work".  I interrupted this person and started talking about what I didn't agree with in what I had read.  I started explaining to the two other people what I meant and they were so curious and open to what I had to say and I remember being very articulate in conveying my thoughts to them.  They were actually taking notes! lol

I woke up from the dream thinking I needed to have another conversation with Ima.  Ima is the ONE person that I can talk with about ANYTHING and it gets deep very quickly.  She is my go-to person when I need to talk about something that is bothering me or when I want to have a discussion about an idea I have or I want her input, like on this book, because I have found an inaccuracy in what I had read and this was what my dream had been about.

I had to wait to call her because she is several hours behind me and I had other things I had to do also so I didn't get to call her back until yesterday evening.

Marshall's book is very good, don't get me wrong.  I agree with everything (mostly) because he discovered through doing his own inner work that his anger was about his judgment of other people.  He gives an example of working with a man in prison as a way to illustrate how to work with someone on this.  What I also agree with is that he didn't make himself "wrong" about the violent thoughts he would have related to the anger he felt.  What was surprising to me is that he said he ENJOYED these thoughts!  I have similar thoughts but I don't necessarily enjoy them.  There is a certain ego satisfaction that I get from calling someone a name like "moron" "idiot" or "dumbass" (in my head) but it's attached to the adrenaline rush (trickle?) I get that comes with annoyance.


What I felt was missing in this work of his, from the IFS work I've done on myself, is that "other" people are a reflection (often called a "mirror") of our own state of mind.  While it may be true that the anger we feel is directly related to the thoughts we have about "others", the emotion we feel, wherever it may be on the emotional scale, would be better understood as a mis-alignment away from our TRUE selves; our Core Selves, our "god self"; not just what we are thinking about related to "others".   There really is no "other"!  Even though we have separate bodies from each other, we are all connected in the sense of being "drops in the ocean" as well as being the ocean.  We all have the same energetic Source.  Source has many names:  God, Allah, Love, Energy etc etc.  This is what gurus have said for centuries now; that we are all One.

So really, the thoughts we have of "others" are the thoughts we unconsciously have of ourselves.  The "negative" emotion we feel is how our higher Self is communicating to us the degree of our misalignment away of our True Selves.  This is why emotions are so important!  They are really our "guide" in communication of our god selves to our bodies how aligned we are or not to the Truth.  Feelings and emotions DO NOT DECEIVE!  The mind will use deception as a tool to distract us from the truth.

It's obvious to me that Marshall did not understand the fact that we are all One and he was correct in pointing out that there is a need behind the anger and that the trigger or stimulus of the anger is different than the evaluation we have of that stimulus.  Many people are unaware of the thoughts that occur between the stimulus and the evaluation.  Marshall addresses this.  We conclude (erroneously) that the stimulus is the cause of our anger when in reality it is the evaluation of the other person.

He then addresses finding the need behind the anger which then points to the fear behind the anger of the need not getting met.  Keep in mind here, the ego is the only one with "needs".  If our Core Selves has ANY need, it's to understand our selves; i.e. "Know Thyself" (Socrates).

His "mis-take", in my opinion is thinking that the "other" needs to get why we are angry.  This is where it got a little nebulous for me... what I mean is that from what I have learned, we only need to understand ourselves.  That need is projected onto "others" as, "I need you to understand why I am angry", occurs when we don't understand our own needs, fears and psychology.

I had a conversation about this with myself and this was what some of my dream was about also.  I debated with myself how (this) could work in transforming anger of someone and have a lasting effect without (them) taking responsibility of knowing themselves (saying I need the "other" to get me).

Now that Marshall is no longer with us, I can't ask him if he checked back with clients that he had worked with to see if this practice had lasting results.  I say that because even though he had done this with himself, he still had violent thoughts of what he could do to other people and from my experience, as we heal different aspects of ourselves, that transforms into visions of helping these people with the understanding that the suffering that they have experienced IS the cause of their behavioral problems.  I really got that when I understood this about myself.  The reason, "Know Thyself" is so important is that by knowing and understanding yourself, you then understand why others do what they do and you can empathize because of your own experience.  It removes the need to blame and shame because you realize they are just unaware of their own misunderstanding.

The conclusion I came to is that this is kind of a "back door" way of getting someone to connect with their feelings (Truth) and empathizing with their "victim" so to speak and having compassion for the "other" that they have hurt through their actions or words.  This is a key component to this work as Marshall mentions.  I find his way of doing this kind of practice somewhat manipulative, however, I think it works as a beginning for people who do not have the understanding that they are responsible for ALL thoughts and feelings they have.  No one likes to hear that.   They take it as they need to blame themselves and that is TOTALLY unnecessary and a waste of energy.  The word "responsibility" has been totally skewed in its definition in the minds of people and is NOT the bad word we make it!  Even the dictionary erroneously uses the word "blame" in its definition.  TRUE responsibility is without blame.  Responsibility is not the same as "fault" and it comes with a deep feeling of confidence in one's Self when it is understood properly.

Truly, from my own experience, when you fully accept yourself and all your thoughts and feelings about yourself and you forgive your self, NO ONE can hurt you because there is no longer any pain left to get "triggered".  Sadly, this is also a key component to Marshall work that is MISSING!  No where does he mention anything about forgiveness and that could be why he still had violent thoughts about "others".

Most people misunderstand the purpose of forgiveness.  It is FOR the person doing the forgiving and does NOT condone the words or actions of the person who "hurt" us.   Forgiveness allows us to release the pain that was triggered by the words/actions of the "other".  When we take it to a deeper level and realize/understand how we have personalized our trauma, we also understand that it's really only our selves we need to forgive.  To understand what I mean here, you also have to have an understanding of our overall collective purpose here.

That is what was so frustrating to me that this came up for me and that I was obviously getting triggered by what I considered was overt stupidity and unconsciousness of "others".  When I own that, I see that I'm bothered by what is still unconscious in ME!  My Self is telling me through the annoyed and irritated feelings I have that I'm out of alignment with how I'm thinking about my Self that I see/hear reflected back to my by the "other".

It was a reminder I SO needed.  I have been aware for quite some time that I had more "work" to do with myself and as I mentioned in the previous entry, I had made some errors in how I dealt with the parts associated with protecting my traumatized Self.  This part has obviously surfaced but I hadn't really connected the dots and realized that this is another "layer" of trauma, if you will, that I need to deal with.  On a positive note, the dream I had was one way that I(we) have of doing my/our inner work.  Upon awaking from my slumber, I was aware of a shift of energy that I had.  I don't think that I have completely finished with this part but I have definitely made some progress with myself and I'm hoping that this part will now trust me enough to come forward again so I can gain a greater understanding of why this part is here and what part of my Soul it is protecting.

I see the connections between everything so I encourage you to come back to read the next entry where I will talk about our purpose here as I understand it.

I also encourage comments about if you understand what I'm conveying.  I find it ironically funny that in a way, I have a similar need to be understood that Marshall had, however, the difference being that I want to be understood because I want EVERYONE to understand themselves by doing their own inner work and have the deep happiness that is possible where as the need that Marshall expressed was a superficial need for only himself to be understood so that he could have superficial "happiness".  At least that's how I understood his expression.  Seeing as he did not go any deeper than needing to be understood by the "other" and not himself.

Toodles! lol😛

ADDENDUM June 9th 2018

I meant to add this when I first wrote this piece.  FEAR is ALWAYS behind ANGER.  Anger is a call to action.  We are angry because we have NOT taken a critical action to alleviate the fear behind the anger.  All we have to do to uncover the fear is ask why we are angry and it's NEVER about the "other".  The "other" is just the trigger for anger at ourselves.  Then ask what you're afraid of.  The action that needs to be taken is one that will "walk you through the fear".  There is more to this shadow work and I've already written about it. 😉💖

Misunderstandings of Psychopathic and Narcissistic Behavior

First of all, let me be clear; my intention in sharing my perspective on these behavior patterns is to inform, enlighten and educate from my own personal experience.  I am only my OWN expert of my OWN psychology.  I don't pretend to know all the answers, know what others have been through or know the path of anyone else.  That said, having done my own "inner work" I do have a pretty good understanding of how behaviors become pathological and that people DO and CAN change.  They just have to want to.  They have to be WILLing to do their own "inner work".

My experience came from being in a relationship with a man who displayed these behaviors.  It wasn't until he finally left that I started to question what had happened to me in this relationship and those questions led me to Maui where I found a group of people (The Maui Forum) that I got involved with who were also doing research on self healing.  It was these people that found IFS which I talk about in a previous post.  You can find many books about it here.  I personally recommend "Self Therapy" by Jay Earley PhD.  This book is a self guide to doing the inner work I talk about based on the work of Richard C. Schwartz.

I say that these behaviors are misunderstood because THEY ARE.  I'm talking about the average person who, because they may or may not have had contact with people who use the strategies associated with the behavior don't understand that they are merely PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR and STRATEGIES for getting needs met.  They assume that people are their behaviors and this is simply not true.  If you are unaware of what the markers of this behavior are, see a good source here. I encourage you to click on all the links in the article to further educate yourself.  Gary is a great writer.

I'm dismayed by the attitudes people choose to have about people who suffer from these behaviors!  They would rather push away and not deal with these people at all.  I don't blame people for that at all; I understand that but in not KNOWING YOUR SELF (your lower or ego self) this is exactly what we do to our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we aren't willing to deal with in ourselves!  It's because we don't take the time to "KNOW THYSELF" that we don't understand all of these behaviors and where they come from.  It was only through doing my own inner work that I understood that WE ALL have ALL of the archetypes, and behaviors available to us to use, they are just not all activated in every one of us for various reasons.  It was through accepting that I have used some of these behaviors like manipulation and entitlement to get what I thought I needed that I was able to accept the behavior that my previous partner had used with me to get what he needed.  It is probably wise that if you don't have this understanding and aren't able to come to a place of compassion for these people that you DO get away from someone who displays a lack of empathy, understanding and/or narcissistic behavior before they drain you of energy.

Love and Compassion IS what will heal these people as well as addressing some of the chemical imbalances that may be present.  While I don't use allopathic medicine myself, some of the drugs available do work to correct these imbalances; however, I think this is a short term "fix" as I do not really believe in allopathic medicine because it does not treat the whole person, just the symptoms and to me, ALL pharmaceutical are POISON.  I ONLY advocate taking that path if you are already on it.  That said, there have been many strides made using psylocybin (mushrooms) that have been shown to produce a "reset" for the emotional body and help with depression.  See the article here.

Much of this detrimental behavior is LEARNED.  Again, this is NOT who people are.  Behavior can and does change.  In dealing with my former partner, I saw evidence that he was aware of his own behavior but didn't know what to do about it and at the time, I did not have the wisdom to help him that I have now.  Let's be real here... there are some people who enjoy the hurt they inflict on others through this behavior but this hasn't always been true for them.

It starts with going through some kind of traumatic event, usually as children and from there events unfold, behaviors are learned, adopted and acted upon.  It is all very personal and it takes facing these parts of ourselves that have been traumatized to understand how it all happens.  This is the "inner work" that I advocate.  It's a direct approach to healing the psyche.  We have been taught and led to believe that the "ego" is bad, a demon and needs to die etc.  This couldn't be further from the truth!  Having that perception of yourself is exactly what keeps you in your own pathology!  Our ego is our protector, it just goes a little overboard sometimes in doing its "job".  Varying degrees of insecurity trigger the ego into its thought process.  Healing insecurity comes when you KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

The key to understanding the pathologies and behaviors in other people, it starts with understanding our own.  I can't emphasize enough to KNOW YOURSELF!  That was a thread in the movie "The Matrix".  That was what the plaque said above the kitchen door of the Oracle and the advice she gave to Neo.  Be brutally honest with yourself so you cannot be deceived by your self anymore and tackle your own issues head on.  There are many ways to doing this and it will be unique for every individual.  TRUST that given you really want a better relationship with your self, you will be guided by your OWN inner guidance.  We all have it but most of us ignore it.  You will be amazed with what you learn about yourself!  Be patient and compassionate with yourself.  The goal of doing the "inner work" is to find and live from the part of our Selves that is REAL and TRUE.  We are Love and we are ALL ONE.

I have found that by doing my own inner work, I not only understand my self better, I understand other people, have more compassion for them and I'm less likely to be deceived by them.  I also am no longer insecure because I know who I AM.  Doing this work not only helps our selves, but also helps the collective consciousness so that others find their way on this path.

How would I handle pathological and /or narcissistic behavior from someone?  Well, it's all going to depend on each individual situation and where I'm at with my self.  Mostly, I would just walk away with a smile on my face because I know I can't change anyone and that's the best thing I can do in the moment.  I know better than to engage them.  I might ask them if this is really who they choose to be and then walk away or, if I'm in a mood that I'm not going to put up with any shit, I have thoughts of telling them to fuck off but I never actually say that to people.  I allow myself to think it and I appreciate that the part of me that has that thought but it's my freedom of my Will to choose whether I act on the thought or not.

SO:  Educate yourself on this behavior so that you know what you're dealing with if you happen to engage with people who display this kind of behavior; you will be helping them immensely whether you know it or not; however, protect yourself and GET AWAY FROM THEM!  They WILL drain you of not just your energy but whatever it is they think they can get from you.  Don't feel sorry for them.  Sympathy is not the same as compassion and keeps people in their stagnant energy.    Compassion sees where they are and gives them the energy to make a change.  Don't try to "rescue" them!  They are most likely unconscious of their behavior.  The best thing you can do is leave them alone to deal with their own stuff.  That is showing them that you Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be used. They WILL get it sooner or later and hopefully ask for help.  That is what I had to do with my last partner.  I felt so drained of energy that I didn't know what else to do.  I so believed that he was my "twin" and we were "supposed" to be together and given my own insecurities, it was very hard for me to do this but I did and I am better for it.  I found my way and he has to find his own way.  We CANNOT fix, rescue or heal anyone else.  We all MUST do it for ourselves if we are to feel empowered, confident and lead ourselves with the Love that we are.

ADDENDUM 2/3/18

I was reminded with reading this article here that EVERYONE is an empath and those who we label psychopathic have just turned theirs off.  They turn it off because, in my experience of my last partner, the pain of the often horrific trauma they have gone through gets triggered when they are around other people in pain and they just can't handle it!  They shut down.  However, as Josh says in the article, "But then Keysers asked his psychopathic volunteers to consciously empathise, and something very different happened: their brain responses were identical to the control group’s (Trends in Cognitive Science, vol 18, p 163). In other words, even if your default empathy state is “off”, you can turn it on when desired. That was an eye-opener, says Keysers: “It seemed clear that a spectrum of empathy could exist in all individuals.”  They DO have the capacity to turn it back on.  They just have to want to.  Behaviors become pathological because the strategies employed WORK.  When you do not KNOW YOUR SELF (your ego self) then you are unaware that you are even using a strategy to get a need met.  It becomes a rut, a habit and we start to think this is who we are.  But somewhere inside, we DO KNOW that we are NOT really like this.  

I watched a 60 Minutes segment about a guy who helped start the "skinhead" or White Supremacist Group and in the middle of beating the shit out of a guy, he made eye contact with him and he just STOPPED.  It took him a few years but now he has an active role in helping to STOP something he helped start.  He has constant threats made on his life.  You can watch or read about it here.  Another example that when people put their mind to it, they can and DO change! 😊