Atlas 🐕💕 Transformation

May I pet your dog, I asked the short, bald guy.  "No", he said emphatically.  He told me later that he gets tired of people asking to pet his dog.  "What's his name?" I inquired.  "Atlas", he said.  "When I got him, his name was (I can't remember!) but every time I said it, it sounded like "Asshole" so I changed it to 'Atlas'."  "And what's your name?" I asked.  "Jeffrey, but everyone calls me JR".

JR got up to sing and left his pooch, a miniature pinser, on the seat next to where he was sitting.  I moved to sit where JR had been just to see if Atlas would come over and he DID.  When JR came back, he looked a little surprised.  He had told me that Atlas wasn't keen on everyone and had even ignored me at first.  Atlas had made himself comfortable on my lap and looked to his Daddy for approval.

JR and I became friends quickly.  He took me out dancing; taught me some couple's dance moves, took me to dinner one of my last nights in Ft. Myers and took me on a short kayak trip to a little beach for lunch and shell search.  I hung out with him a few times at the different bars that offered karoke.  It's so funny, "happy hour" starts at 3PM over there!  

By the time I left the island, Atlas and JR were my newest best friends.  I was surprised to find some of the little things we had in common. 

Mike had come back early Thursday morning and I got a "see you Saturday" text from him but that never happened.  It was one excuse after another... all very apropos and I can only be mad at myself for telling him it was OK to lie; explaining to him my perspective on deception, that we will use it to protect ourselves and that's OK.

When Sunday came around, I got it that I wasn't going to see him at all.  I spent all day Monday sulking in my apartment watching "Ancient Aliens" on the History channel.  

At the end of the day, I decided that I was going to make the most of my last 3 full days there as I was to leave very early Friday morning.  The next day, I rented the bike 3 more days, I figured out how to use my phone as a "hot spot" so that I could get internet in my room.  Just one of the few things that wasn't great about my room.

I loved it there!  I was steps away from the beach and walked it with my coffee every morning picking up shells and bits of trash that the beach patrol couldn't get.  I miss that the most.

While I was super disappointed that Mike would rather work than meet up with me, it was very clear to me that I was not on his priority list and that was OK.  After I spent all day Monday feeling lousy and exploring why I felt the way I did, I realized all the mis-takes I had made... going all the way back to when I first met Mike and also the mis-takes I made leading up to my trip.

It really felt like I had no other choice than to be for-giving love to Mike rather than hating on him.  I couldn't say it was all his "fault".  It takes to to tangle or tango.😉😆

I left without ever seeing him and while I could have stayed longer to have more fun, I felt surprisingly happy to arrive at DIA without that "let down" feeling I've had in the past after being on vacation and having to leave.

That's why the first post to this was titled "On top of the world" because that's what it felt like!  I just listened to the newest channeling from Blossom with a message from "White Cloud" and he was asking if we could feel the Love... coming from deep within.  That's exactly right!  The level of confidence I'm feeling has just deepened.  I KNOW I did some "work" and I got have fun too!  lmao  The "work" being closing the door to anything romantic with Mike and forgiving his choices that didn't include me.  

When I think about it, if I had been hanging out with Mike the whole time, I never would have met JR and Atlas or met all the cool people at the Tuckaway and on the beach.  I think we could have had a good time but it would have been very different than what I experienced and I'm really happy with what I created!

😇💪💖

Continuation...💖

The next day when I spoke with Mike, he had calmed down.  He had spent several hours the night before chatting with his old buddies from the AF; many of whom I had known.

It was getting closer to my departure date and I was a little nervous because I hadn't secured a place to stay yet.  The one place I had found that looked like it was in a good spot disappeared overnight and I was back at square one again.

Finally, a few days later, I found a studio with a kitchen that looked like it would be just what I needed; only a little further away from the center of activity on the island.

Later, as it turned out, this was to be a MUCH better place for me to be.

 

As my departure date drew near, I got my ride from the airport set up, rented a bike for a week and started packing a week before so that I could make sure I had everything I was going to need.  There was a "flow" present that I noticed that helped immensely in recognizing I was still going in the right direction/right timing.

The Monday before I left was the first day of court for Mike.  He had driven to Georgia the day before so he could be there for the first day.

I left the next day and experienced an ease and grace at the airport that I hadn't seen in a long time!  lol  It seemed as though TSA had relaxed a LOT.  I still had to go through all the BS that they make you do, however, I didn't have to go through any searches.

As soon as I landed, I was hit with the heat and humidity of a hot Florida Spring.  It felt SO good! 😎 It had felt like Winter still the last week that I spent in Colorado.

After I got settled into my little apartment, I grabbed the bike and went to the Publix grocery store to get what I thought I need for the next week.

When I got back, I took a walk down to a place on Estero Island called "Times Square"; a namesake of the same in New York only much smaller.  lol  It was really just a small collection of retail shops, restaurants, bars and resorts for the tourists.  

It didn't take long to see everything and I ended up on a back street loop and started to pass by a resort called "The Lighthouse".  I decided to go in and ask if they had Karoke there.  The woman at the counter said, yes and that it was that night!

I went back later to check out the scene and found one empty chair just opposite the stage.  It wasn't long before this short, bald guy took the seat in front of me and I saw he had a little dog on his lap with a harness that said, "service animal"...

 

Backslide?

This is a continuation of the "Still on Top" post

I texted with Mike every few days and talked with him on the phone a few times over the next few weeks to discuss ideas of what we could do to have some fun and where to go.

Another thing I had not planned for was having to change my accommodations...

I got a call from Mike about a week before I was supposed to leave.  "You have to cancel your trip." he said, in a panic.  "Why?" I asked, perplexed.

I was about to get a "truth bomb" from him.  Apparently, he had left out some pertinent details regarding who's house he was living in and also that he had made a promise to a sibling that he would attend the court appearance of a niece on trial for murder.

The trial was going to start the day before I was to arrive in Florida.  I did not waste any time telling him that he needed to follow through on his promise and show up at the trial to support his family.

"I can be patient and wait to see you." I told him with confidence.  "It's important that you follow through with your promise."  He told me the sordid details of what had happened with his niece that caused her to mistake her boyfriend and daughter for "demons" that she killed them both.

Then he added, "I got a letter two days ago from (her) lawyer telling me I'm about to be evicted!"  I was a little confused to say the least.  "I don't want to be homeless!" he said desperately.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.  "Do you remember me telling you I followed a woman down here about 4 years ago?" he asked quizzically? I suddenly remember the story he had told me a few years ago.  "Sure."  I said, feeling there was a bomb about to be dropped.  "Well, she owns the house I live in even though I pay all the bills."  "I told her that I was having an old friend from the AF come to visit.  She said, 'I hope I get to meet him,' and I said, 'he is a she and she's going to stay here.'  Well she flipped out over that, she got a crease between her eyes and two days later, I got the letter from her lawyer."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  "Why would you even tell her anything at all?" I asked, feeling betrayed and angry.  Why did he feel this loyalty to a woman he was telling me he wanted nothing to do with except to be her "friend"?  Clearly, she wasn't thinking like that.

I started to give him my unsolicited advice.  He was telling me "the story" of how he couldn't be homeless and all I could do was think about was how to solve his problem so that I wouldn't have to cancel my trip and still have a place to stay.

As I was asking him questions to get a better picture of what was going on, all he could talk about was what he feared.  "I'm not in a space where I can listen to your story, Mike." I said, somewhat irritated.  I was forgetting what I had learned about compassionate communication and was only focused on "the problem" and how his blunder was affecting me and what I wanted.

I could see this was turning into messy situation for Mike and I was getting caught up in the middle of it.  "I just don't want any drama!" Mike said determinedly. "Well, if she's going to play the game and get a lawyer, then you should too.  Especially, if you've given her all this money and she's never shared any of the profit she's made flipping that real estate."  

I still don't know if what he told me is really true, however, before he left for the trial happening in Georgia, he said he had talked with a lawyer and had made an appointment with him for the Friday after the trial.

I encouraged him to find something to be grateful for; knowing that this would be the fastest way for him to release his fears so that he could think logically and reasonably.  I also encouraged him to talk with her to find out what page they were on.  Clearly, they were NOT on the same page... and come to find out, neither were Mike and I...  

Still On Top 💪💖

This is the continuation of "On Top of the World" post

When I made my decision to get some beach time and see my friend Mike, I was aware of all the possibilities that existed; we may not "hit it off" or even like hanging out with each other or, the other extreme, we could get back together; and everything in between.  This realization came about because of the conversation I had with him that, we never really closed that door... neither one of us said that our relationship was over or that we didn't want to see the other ever again.  The last time I saw Mike was in July of 1987 when I had gone to Georgia to be with him after we had both separated from the AF and he was sending me back home on the bus.

It was interesting; all these memories came back to me of what it had been like to be with him and what his effect on me had been at that time.

I had also not realized at that time (I was 19!) until much later in life that I can quite often be a mirror for the ego of the other.  I can kind of "lose myself" in those moments.  I never really saw it until it was a big contrast between who I knew myself to be versus who I became in the presence of another.

I was very sexually attracted to Mike and I also realized that he had been mostly emotionally unavailable and I hadn't had THAT realization until making plans to go see him.

I allowed myself to fantasize a bit about what it would be like to see him again and although I had absolutely NO intention of getting back together with him (it has STILL been a VERY long time since I have had sexual relations with a Man), I was open to being spontaneous with how everything would unfold.  I was looking forward to having some fun traveling a bit (he had mentioned going to the Everglades) while still getting my time at the beach.  I even offered (genuinely) to help him with his lawn care business.

The only thing I didn't plan for was not seeing him at all. 

On Top of the World! 💖😄

I just got back from a 10 day vacation to the Gulf side of Florida and I have to say... I'm pretty amazed at how I feel and the thoughts that have changed over the course of the last 6 weeks or so; I feel the need to share!😇

It started out by feeling a need to get away for a bit; feeling overwhelmed by the creations in my life.  I thought it would be great to have some beach time!  I decided the Hawai'i was out of the question because of expense and a desire to experience something different.  The West Coast was also out given all the C.O.V.I.D. BS going on so Florida was the obvious choice.  

I lived in Florida in the mid 70's as a kid on the Atlantic side around Boca Raton, Pompano Beach and West Palm Beach.  A funny from when I lived there was this was the time that the "Watergate" scandal was being discussed on the radio and we also lived in a trailer park named Watergate so it was confusing to me as to why (they) would be talking about our Park! 😂lmao

I kept thinking about my friend Mike, who is an "old flame" from back in my Air Force days so I asked him how far from the beach he was.  (Only a mile and a half) Then I asked him if he wanted me to come visit.  We've kept in touch over the years and he is the only person I know that lives over there.  He said it would OK to come visit and also be OK for me to sleep on his pullout couch in his living room.

I'm sure this is where it all started... I immediately fell into a trap that I had created a long time ago and was still there.  I was being given the chance to become aware of it, clean up a situation between us and close a door that I had forgotten was still open.

I'm amazed at the awareness I'm having of my old life with him and the details around it.  All the experience I've had and wisdom I've gleaned since then is creating a sharp contrast that makes it easy to analyze that whole experience and to gain a whole new perspective free of judgment, worry and fear.  All the learning about myself is helping me to see my old patterns and behaviors and also see his.

I'm going to share the breakdown I've done for this whole experience (still ongoing) in short bits and pieces to make it easier to read.  Tune in later for the next post!  Subscribing with your preferred email will be the easiest.  I never see your email and it will only alert you of a new post.😃💖

The Purpose of Anger

This is actually a continuation of the last few entries so I encourage you to read them first if you haven't yet.  I want to add here that anything you see in " ", is because the word(s) is/are either metaphorical in nature (drops in the ocean) or it is a common word used that people have a misunderstanding about (other, negative) and I'm giving it a more rounded meaning.

I called my girlfriend, Ima, back and asked her about Marshall Rosenberg's book "The Surprising Purpose of Anger", which I knew she read.  Inner guidance was urging me to read this book.  I asked her how many pages it was and she texted back 44.  I found it at my local library and started reading it online.  I got through it in just a few hours; finishing it around 5:30 in the morning after waking up at 5:00.  (Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of NVC "NonViolent Communication")

I went back to sleep, feeling sleepy from the information I had just taken in.  I dreamt about sitting at a table with 3 other people, one of whom was helping me with some "inner work".  I interrupted this person and started talking about what I didn't agree with in what I had read.  I started explaining to the two other people what I meant and they were so curious and open to what I had to say and I remember being very articulate in conveying my thoughts to them.  They were actually taking notes! lol

I woke up from the dream thinking I needed to have another conversation with Ima.  Ima is the ONE person that I can talk with about ANYTHING and it gets deep very quickly.  She is my go-to person when I need to talk about something that is bothering me or when I want to have a discussion about an idea I have or I want her input, like on this book, because I have found an inaccuracy in what I had read and this was what my dream had been about.

I had to wait to call her because she is several hours behind me and I had other things I had to do also so I didn't get to call her back until yesterday evening.

Marshall's book is very good, don't get me wrong.  I agree with everything (mostly) because he discovered through doing his own inner work that his anger was about his judgment of other people.  He gives an example of working with a man in prison as a way to illustrate how to work with someone on this.  What I also agree with is that he didn't make himself "wrong" about the violent thoughts he would have related to the anger he felt.  What was surprising to me is that he said he ENJOYED these thoughts!  I have similar thoughts but I don't necessarily enjoy them.  There is a certain ego satisfaction that I get from calling someone a name like "moron" "idiot" or "dumbass" (in my head) but it's attached to the adrenaline rush (trickle?) I get that comes with annoyance.


What I felt was missing in this work of his, from the IFS work I've done on myself, is that "other" people are a reflection (often called a "mirror") of our own state of mind.  While it may be true that the anger we feel is directly related to the thoughts we have about "others", the emotion we feel, wherever it may be on the emotional scale, would be better understood as a mis-alignment away from our TRUE selves; our Core Selves, our "god self"; not just what we are thinking about related to "others".   There really is no "other"!  Even though we have separate bodies from each other, we are all connected in the sense of being "drops in the ocean" as well as being the ocean.  We all have the same energetic Source.  Source has many names:  God, Allah, Love, Energy etc etc.  This is what gurus have said for centuries now; that we are all One.

So really, the thoughts we have of "others" are the thoughts we unconsciously have of ourselves.  The "negative" emotion we feel is how our higher Self is communicating to us the degree of our misalignment away of our True Selves.  This is why emotions are so important!  They are really our "guide" in communication of our god selves to our bodies how aligned we are or not to the Truth.  Feelings and emotions DO NOT DECEIVE!  The mind will use deception as a tool to distract us from the truth.

It's obvious to me that Marshall did not understand the fact that we are all One and he was correct in pointing out that there is a need behind the anger and that the trigger or stimulus of the anger is different than the evaluation we have of that stimulus.  Many people are unaware of the thoughts that occur between the stimulus and the evaluation.  Marshall addresses this.  We conclude (erroneously) that the stimulus is the cause of our anger when in reality it is the evaluation of the other person.

He then addresses finding the need behind the anger which then points to the fear behind the anger of the need not getting met.  Keep in mind here, the ego is the only one with "needs".  If our Core Selves has ANY need, it's to understand our selves; i.e. "Know Thyself" (Socrates).

His "mis-take", in my opinion is thinking that the "other" needs to get why we are angry.  This is where it got a little nebulous for me... what I mean is that from what I have learned, we only need to understand ourselves.  That need is projected onto "others" as, "I need you to understand why I am angry", occurs when we don't understand our own needs, fears and psychology.

I had a conversation about this with myself and this was what some of my dream was about also.  I debated with myself how (this) could work in transforming anger of someone and have a lasting effect without (them) taking responsibility of knowing themselves (saying I need the "other" to get me).

Now that Marshall is no longer with us, I can't ask him if he checked back with clients that he had worked with to see if this practice had lasting results.  I say that because even though he had done this with himself, he still had violent thoughts of what he could do to other people and from my experience, as we heal different aspects of ourselves, that transforms into visions of helping these people with the understanding that the suffering that they have experienced IS the cause of their behavioral problems.  I really got that when I understood this about myself.  The reason, "Know Thyself" is so important is that by knowing and understanding yourself, you then understand why others do what they do and you can empathize because of your own experience.  It removes the need to blame and shame because you realize they are just unaware of their own misunderstanding.

The conclusion I came to is that this is kind of a "back door" way of getting someone to connect with their feelings (Truth) and empathizing with their "victim" so to speak and having compassion for the "other" that they have hurt through their actions or words.  This is a key component to this work as Marshall mentions.  I find his way of doing this kind of practice somewhat manipulative, however, I think it works as a beginning for people who do not have the understanding that they are responsible for ALL thoughts and feelings they have.  No one likes to hear that.   They take it as they need to blame themselves and that is TOTALLY unnecessary and a waste of energy.  The word "responsibility" has been totally skewed in its definition in the minds of people and is NOT the bad word we make it!  Even the dictionary erroneously uses the word "blame" in its definition.  TRUE responsibility is without blame.  Responsibility is not the same as "fault" and it comes with a deep feeling of confidence in one's Self when it is understood properly.

Truly, from my own experience, when you fully accept yourself and all your thoughts and feelings about yourself and you forgive your self, NO ONE can hurt you because there is no longer any pain left to get "triggered".  Sadly, this is also a key component to Marshall work that is MISSING!  No where does he mention anything about forgiveness and that could be why he still had violent thoughts about "others".

Most people misunderstand the purpose of forgiveness.  It is FOR the person doing the forgiving and does NOT condone the words or actions of the person who "hurt" us.   Forgiveness allows us to release the pain that was triggered by the words/actions of the "other".  When we take it to a deeper level and realize/understand how we have personalized our trauma, we also understand that it's really only our selves we need to forgive.  To understand what I mean here, you also have to have an understanding of our overall collective purpose here.

That is what was so frustrating to me that this came up for me and that I was obviously getting triggered by what I considered was overt stupidity and unconsciousness of "others".  When I own that, I see that I'm bothered by what is still unconscious in ME!  My Self is telling me through the annoyed and irritated feelings I have that I'm out of alignment with how I'm thinking about my Self that I see/hear reflected back to my by the "other".

It was a reminder I SO needed.  I have been aware for quite some time that I had more "work" to do with myself and as I mentioned in the previous entry, I had made some errors in how I dealt with the parts associated with protecting my traumatized Self.  This part has obviously surfaced but I hadn't really connected the dots and realized that this is another "layer" of trauma, if you will, that I need to deal with.  On a positive note, the dream I had was one way that I(we) have of doing my/our inner work.  Upon awaking from my slumber, I was aware of a shift of energy that I had.  I don't think that I have completely finished with this part but I have definitely made some progress with myself and I'm hoping that this part will now trust me enough to come forward again so I can gain a greater understanding of why this part is here and what part of my Soul it is protecting.

I see the connections between everything so I encourage you to come back to read the next entry where I will talk about our purpose here as I understand it.

I also encourage comments about if you understand what I'm conveying.  I find it ironically funny that in a way, I have a similar need to be understood that Marshall had, however, the difference being that I want to be understood because I want EVERYONE to understand themselves by doing their own inner work and have the deep happiness that is possible where as the need that Marshall expressed was a superficial need for only himself to be understood so that he could have superficial "happiness".  At least that's how I understood his expression.  Seeing as he did not go any deeper than needing to be understood by the "other" and not himself.

Toodles! lol😛

ADDENDUM June 9th 2018

I meant to add this when I first wrote this piece.  FEAR is ALWAYS behind ANGER.  Anger is a call to action.  We are angry because we have NOT taken a critical action to alleviate the fear behind the anger.  All we have to do to uncover the fear is ask why we are angry and it's NEVER about the "other".  The "other" is just the trigger for anger at ourselves.  Then ask what you're afraid of.  The action that needs to be taken is one that will "walk you through the fear".  There is more to this shadow work and I've already written about it. 😉💖