Still On Top 💪💖

 This is the continuation of "On Top of the World" post

When I made my decision to get some beach time and see my friend Mike, I was aware of all the possibilities that existed; we may not "hit it off" or even like hanging out with each other or, the other extreme, we could get back together; and everything in between.  This realization came about because of the conversation I had with him that, we never really closed that door... neither one of us said that our relationship was over or that we didn't want to see the other ever again.  The last time I saw Mike was in July of 1987 when I had gone to Georgia to be with him after we had both separated from the AF and he was sending me back home on the bus.

It was interesting; all these memories came back to me of what it had been like to be with him and what his effect on me had been at that time.

I had also not realized at that time (I was 19!) until much later in life that I can quite often be a mirror for the ego of the other.  I can kind of "lose myself" in those moments.  I never really saw it until it was a big contrast between who I knew myself to be versus who I became in the presence of another.

I was very sexually attracted to Mike and I also realized that he had been mostly emotionally unavailable and I hadn't had THAT realization until making plans to go see him.

I allowed myself to fantasize a bit about what it would be like to see him again and although I had absolutely NO intention of getting back together with him (it has STILL been a VERY long time since I have had sexual relations with a Man), I was open to being spontaneous with how everything would unfold.  I was looking forward to having some fun traveling a bit (he had mentioned going to the Everglades) while still getting my time at the beach.  I even offered (genuinely) to help him with his lawn care business.

The only thing I didn't plan for was not seeing him at all.