Follow up to "A Gift from a Friend"

Boy, what a journey this has been for the last year.  This might get long.  There's a lot that has transpired since I wrote that blog post.  

After re-reading that post, I can see, through what I wrote, the subtle hint of self deception.  

My mind has surreptitiously attached a desired outcome to my friendship with River...

Over the last year, things have slowly developed between us.  In hindsight, knowing what I know now that he has been unhappy in his relationship with his girlfriend, I want to say he was unconsciously using me to have an excuse to break up with her BUT, having told me that he doesn't see a long-term relationship with me, maybe it has always just been about satisfying his curiosity of his attraction to me.

The important part of this story is that throughout this roller coaster ride of emotion that it's been, I've had the awareness of what I've been doing to myself in my mind meaning I've been taking responsibility for not just the assumptions that I have made and wanted to make while "doing my work" which I'm now calling "practicing inner Love" but also how I feel in relation to my thoughts.  This "whole thing" is giving me a chance to take a deep dive into my own stuff to sort out what has been coming up in relation to the assumption I've been making, the potentials I see for a deeper relationship with him and my own suppressed desires for another "partner".

I've allowed myself to take too much personally.  I'm getting better and not taking someone giving me shit personally but it's been more difficult not taking the positive stuff personally like compliments and attraction.  It's one of the "Four Agreements"; don't take anything personally because nothing anyone says or does is personal to us.  It's all about where their personal vibration is that is going to dictate how and what they express.  We are just the trigger for their alignment or misalignment to Self.  Ego tries to take responsibility for how other people feel and we can't really, we can and do try but we are all responsible for what we feel and then we express that to another.

Basically, all my relationship triggers have been activated with the assumption that I could have some kind of relationship beyond friendship with River.  I've just gotten too far ahead of myself and overly excited at just the thought of being with someone again because it's been so long...

I AM (finally) able to appreciate that this "stuff" is coming up because I honestly thought I had dealt with all of it so I'm glad that I'm getting the chance to "clean up" the residual baggage that is there that is helping me have a better relationship with myself because that's really what it's all about.

Realistically, I can't see anything long term for me with him either because of his age; he does not have the relationship experience that I do.  We are a good compliment to each other; he has experience with things that I don't and vice versa.  I tell myself that "age is just a number" but it does make a difference when you're talking about experience.  

I don't know... I say that and... I know that it's the love that is important and I think he's afraid of falling in love again because of what he's told himself that it means. (like, "we have to get married" or "we have to live together" kind of stuff)  See this post as to why that is not necessary. 

I've confused myself so much with my mind that I'm actually grateful for the two weeks that he has requested I leave him alone so he can focus on finding a new place to live without having me as a distraction. (THAT mystifies me also!  A distraction?!  How am I a distraction?  Clearly there is more to him that I need to know.  It's been a little rough because not only do I not get to see him, I don't get to email him either although, we did exchange a couple of them.

It's given me time to take care of myself and start a new project to keep my mind present and focused on something else.  My daughter is having her first baby in a month!💕

 

I've decided that the best way I can love both of us is to just let him go.  We have been having sex since before he broke up with her and my mind has taken that as a sign that it would turn into "something" like a girlfriend/boyfriend thing.  I'm reminded that men and women think and treat sex differently.  Just to be simple here.  I have had moments where I've known it would be just sex and I was fine but with River, it's different.  I've never had this kind of attraction to someone and I can't help but want more.  

Since he has only spoken about having his freedom after being in a relationship for 8 years and he only recently realized that he should have broken up with her a long time ago, (years) I know that if we keep sleeping together, I will only put pressure on him in subtle and manipulative ways to be my...  I've already caught myself doing that when I wrote a long email to him taking a different angle with this.  We can find sneaky ways to fool ourselves!

It breaks my heart to do this but I am otherwise torturing myself with the hope that it will be anything else.  

I share this as an example of when Love is tough.  Sometimes we have to be tough on ourselves in order to REALLY Love ourselves.  Loving yourself doesn't always mean getting everything you THINK you want.  

I have explored with myself what my attraction is to him.  I have labeled it "Soul Family" because he feels familiar to me and he's (mostly) easy to talk to.  It is also why I THINK I want to make something of this as well as we have already started to build a solid foundation of friendship with transparency and honesty.  

I mentioned this to him over a year ago but I think I can help him more with how to Love himself.  He has mentioned that he is aware he needs to love himself more.  Maybe he is the student that is ready for the teacher...

Atlas 🐕💕 Transformation

May I pet your dog, I asked the short, bald guy.  "No", he said emphatically.  He told me later that he gets tired of people asking to pet his dog.  "What's his name?" I inquired.  "Atlas", he said.  "When I got him, his name was (I can't remember!) but every time I said it, it sounded like "Asshole" so I changed it to 'Atlas'."  "And what's your name?" I asked.  "Jeffrey, but everyone calls me JR".

JR got up to sing and left his pooch, a miniature pinser, on the seat next to where he was sitting.  I moved to sit where JR had been just to see if Atlas would come over and he DID.  When JR came back, he looked a little surprised.  He had told me that Atlas wasn't keen on everyone and had even ignored me at first.  Atlas had made himself comfortable on my lap and looked to his Daddy for approval.

JR and I became friends quickly.  He took me out dancing; taught me some couple's dance moves, took me to dinner one of my last nights in Ft. Myers and took me on a short kayak trip to a little beach for lunch and shell search.  I hung out with him a few times at the different bars that offered karoke.  It's so funny, "happy hour" starts at 3PM over there!  

By the time I left the island, Atlas and JR were my newest best friends.  I was surprised to find some of the little things we had in common. 

Mike had come back early Thursday morning and I got a "see you Saturday" text from him but that never happened.  It was one excuse after another... all very apropos and I can only be mad at myself for telling him it was OK to lie; explaining to him my perspective on deception, that we will use it to protect ourselves and that's OK.

When Sunday came around, I got it that I wasn't going to see him at all.  I spent all day Monday sulking in my apartment watching "Ancient Aliens" on the History channel.  

At the end of the day, I decided that I was going to make the most of my last 3 full days there as I was to leave very early Friday morning.  The next day, I rented the bike 3 more days, I figured out how to use my phone as a "hot spot" so that I could get internet in my room.  Just one of the few things that wasn't great about my room.

I loved it there!  I was steps away from the beach and walked it with my coffee every morning picking up shells and bits of trash that the beach patrol couldn't get.  I miss that the most.

While I was super disappointed that Mike would rather work than meet up with me, it was very clear to me that I was not on his priority list and that was OK.  After I spent all day Monday feeling lousy and exploring why I felt the way I did, I realized all the mis-takes I had made... going all the way back to when I first met Mike and also the mis-takes I made leading up to my trip.

It really felt like I had no other choice than to be for-giving love to Mike rather than hating on him.  I couldn't say it was all his "fault".  It takes to to tangle or tango.😉😆

I left without ever seeing him and while I could have stayed longer to have more fun, I felt surprisingly happy to arrive at DIA without that "let down" feeling I've had in the past after being on vacation and having to leave.

That's why the first post to this was titled "On top of the world" because that's what it felt like!  I just listened to the newest channeling from Blossom with a message from "White Cloud" and he was asking if we could feel the Love... coming from deep within.  That's exactly right!  The level of confidence I'm feeling has just deepened.  I KNOW I did some "work" and I got have fun too!  lmao  The "work" being closing the door to anything romantic with Mike and forgiving his choices that didn't include me.  

When I think about it, if I had been hanging out with Mike the whole time, I never would have met JR and Atlas or met all the cool people at the Tuckaway and on the beach.  I think we could have had a good time but it would have been very different than what I experienced and I'm really happy with what I created!

😇💪💖

Continuation...💖

The next day when I spoke with Mike, he had calmed down.  He had spent several hours the night before chatting with his old buddies from the AF; many of whom I had known.

It was getting closer to my departure date and I was a little nervous because I hadn't secured a place to stay yet.  The one place I had found that looked like it was in a good spot disappeared overnight and I was back at square one again.

Finally, a few days later, I found a studio with a kitchen that looked like it would be just what I needed; only a little further away from the center of activity on the island.

Later, as it turned out, this was to be a MUCH better place for me to be.

 

As my departure date drew near, I got my ride from the airport set up, rented a bike for a week and started packing a week before so that I could make sure I had everything I was going to need.  There was a "flow" present that I noticed that helped immensely in recognizing I was still going in the right direction/right timing.

The Monday before I left was the first day of court for Mike.  He had driven to Georgia the day before so he could be there for the first day.

I left the next day and experienced an ease and grace at the airport that I hadn't seen in a long time!  lol  It seemed as though TSA had relaxed a LOT.  I still had to go through all the BS that they make you do, however, I didn't have to go through any searches.

As soon as I landed, I was hit with the heat and humidity of a hot Florida Spring.  It felt SO good! 😎 It had felt like Winter still the last week that I spent in Colorado.

After I got settled into my little apartment, I grabbed the bike and went to the Publix grocery store to get what I thought I need for the next week.

When I got back, I took a walk down to a place on Estero Island called "Times Square"; a namesake of the same in New York only much smaller.  lol  It was really just a small collection of retail shops, restaurants, bars and resorts for the tourists.  

It didn't take long to see everything and I ended up on a back street loop and started to pass by a resort called "The Lighthouse".  I decided to go in and ask if they had Karoke there.  The woman at the counter said, yes and that it was that night!

I went back later to check out the scene and found one empty chair just opposite the stage.  It wasn't long before this short, bald guy took the seat in front of me and I saw he had a little dog on his lap with a harness that said, "service animal"...

 

Backslide?

This is a continuation of the "Still on Top" post

I texted with Mike every few days and talked with him on the phone a few times over the next few weeks to discuss ideas of what we could do to have some fun and where to go.

Another thing I had not planned for was having to change my accommodations...

I got a call from Mike about a week before I was supposed to leave.  "You have to cancel your trip." he said, in a panic.  "Why?" I asked, perplexed.

I was about to get a "truth bomb" from him.  Apparently, he had left out some pertinent details regarding who's house he was living in and also that he had made a promise to a sibling that he would attend the court appearance of a niece on trial for murder.

The trial was going to start the day before I was to arrive in Florida.  I did not waste any time telling him that he needed to follow through on his promise and show up at the trial to support his family.

"I can be patient and wait to see you." I told him with confidence.  "It's important that you follow through with your promise."  He told me the sordid details of what had happened with his niece that caused her to mistake her boyfriend and daughter for "demons" that she killed them both.

Then he added, "I got a letter two days ago from (her) lawyer telling me I'm about to be evicted!"  I was a little confused to say the least.  "I don't want to be homeless!" he said desperately.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.  "Do you remember me telling you I followed a woman down here about 4 years ago?" he asked quizzically? I suddenly remember the story he had told me a few years ago.  "Sure."  I said, feeling there was a bomb about to be dropped.  "Well, she owns the house I live in even though I pay all the bills."  "I told her that I was having an old friend from the AF come to visit.  She said, 'I hope I get to meet him,' and I said, 'he is a she and she's going to stay here.'  Well she flipped out over that, she got a crease between her eyes and two days later, I got the letter from her lawyer."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  "Why would you even tell her anything at all?" I asked, feeling betrayed and angry.  Why did he feel this loyalty to a woman he was telling me he wanted nothing to do with except to be her "friend"?  Clearly, she wasn't thinking like that.

I started to give him my unsolicited advice.  He was telling me "the story" of how he couldn't be homeless and all I could do was think about was how to solve his problem so that I wouldn't have to cancel my trip and still have a place to stay.

As I was asking him questions to get a better picture of what was going on, all he could talk about was what he feared.  "I'm not in a space where I can listen to your story, Mike." I said, somewhat irritated.  I was forgetting what I had learned about compassionate communication and was only focused on "the problem" and how his blunder was affecting me and what I wanted.

I could see this was turning into messy situation for Mike and I was getting caught up in the middle of it.  "I just don't want any drama!" Mike said determinedly. "Well, if she's going to play the game and get a lawyer, then you should too.  Especially, if you've given her all this money and she's never shared any of the profit she's made flipping that real estate."  

I still don't know if what he told me is really true, however, before he left for the trial happening in Georgia, he said he had talked with a lawyer and had made an appointment with him for the Friday after the trial.

I encouraged him to find something to be grateful for; knowing that this would be the fastest way for him to release his fears so that he could think logically and reasonably.  I also encouraged him to talk with her to find out what page they were on.  Clearly, they were NOT on the same page... and come to find out, neither were Mike and I...  

Still On Top 💪💖

This is the continuation of "On Top of the World" post

When I made my decision to get some beach time and see my friend Mike, I was aware of all the possibilities that existed; we may not "hit it off" or even like hanging out with each other or, the other extreme, we could get back together; and everything in between.  This realization came about because of the conversation I had with him that, we never really closed that door... neither one of us said that our relationship was over or that we didn't want to see the other ever again.  The last time I saw Mike was in July of 1987 when I had gone to Georgia to be with him after we had both separated from the AF and he was sending me back home on the bus.

It was interesting; all these memories came back to me of what it had been like to be with him and what his effect on me had been at that time.

I had also not realized at that time (I was 19!) until much later in life that I can quite often be a mirror for the ego of the other.  I can kind of "lose myself" in those moments.  I never really saw it until it was a big contrast between who I knew myself to be versus who I became in the presence of another.

I was very sexually attracted to Mike and I also realized that he had been mostly emotionally unavailable and I hadn't had THAT realization until making plans to go see him.

I allowed myself to fantasize a bit about what it would be like to see him again and although I had absolutely NO intention of getting back together with him (it has STILL been a VERY long time since I have had sexual relations with a Man), I was open to being spontaneous with how everything would unfold.  I was looking forward to having some fun traveling a bit (he had mentioned going to the Everglades) while still getting my time at the beach.  I even offered (genuinely) to help him with his lawn care business.

The only thing I didn't plan for was not seeing him at all. 

On Top of the World! 💖😄

I just got back from a 10 day vacation to the Gulf side of Florida and I have to say... I'm pretty amazed at how I feel and the thoughts that have changed over the course of the last 6 weeks or so; I feel the need to share!😇

It started out by feeling a need to get away for a bit; feeling overwhelmed by the creations in my life.  I thought it would be great to have some beach time!  I decided the Hawai'i was out of the question because of expense and a desire to experience something different.  The West Coast was also out given all the C.O.V.I.D. BS going on so Florida was the obvious choice.  

I lived in Florida in the mid 70's as a kid on the Atlantic side around Boca Raton, Pompano Beach and West Palm Beach.  A funny from when I lived there was this was the time that the "Watergate" scandal was being discussed on the radio and we also lived in a trailer park named Watergate so it was confusing to me as to why (they) would be talking about our Park! 😂lmao

I kept thinking about my friend Mike, who is an "old flame" from back in my Air Force days so I asked him how far from the beach he was.  (Only a mile and a half) Then I asked him if he wanted me to come visit.  We've kept in touch over the years and he is the only person I know that lives over there.  He said it would OK to come visit and also be OK for me to sleep on his pullout couch in his living room.

I'm sure this is where it all started... I immediately fell into a trap that I had created a long time ago and was still there.  I was being given the chance to become aware of it, clean up a situation between us and close a door that I had forgotten was still open.

I'm amazed at the awareness I'm having of my old life with him and the details around it.  All the experience I've had and wisdom I've gleaned since then is creating a sharp contrast that makes it easy to analyze that whole experience and to gain a whole new perspective free of judgment, worry and fear.  All the learning about myself is helping me to see my old patterns and behaviors and also see his.

I'm going to share the breakdown I've done for this whole experience (still ongoing) in short bits and pieces to make it easier to read.  Tune in later for the next post!  Subscribing with your preferred email will be the easiest.  I never see your email and it will only alert you of a new post.😃💖