Boy, what a journey this has been for the last year. This might get long. There's a lot that has transpired since I wrote that blog post.
After re-reading that post, I can see, through what I wrote, the subtle hint of self deception.
My mind has surreptitiously attached a desired outcome to my friendship with River...
Over the last year, things have slowly developed between us. In hindsight, knowing what I know now that he has been unhappy in his relationship with his girlfriend, I want to say he was unconsciously using me to have an excuse to break up with her BUT, having told me that he doesn't see a long-term relationship with me, maybe it has always just been about satisfying his curiosity of his attraction to me.
The important part of this story is that throughout this roller coaster ride of emotion that it's been, I've had the awareness of what I've been doing to myself in my mind meaning I've been taking responsibility for not just the assumptions that I have made and wanted to make while "doing my work" which I'm now calling "practicing inner Love" but also how I feel in relation to my thoughts. This "whole thing" is giving me a chance to take a deep dive into my own stuff to sort out what has been coming up in relation to the assumption I've been making, the potentials I see for a deeper relationship with him and my own suppressed desires for another "partner".
I've allowed myself to take too much personally. I'm getting better and not taking someone giving me shit personally but it's been more difficult not taking the positive stuff personally like compliments and attraction. It's one of the "Four Agreements"; don't take anything personally because nothing anyone says or does is personal to us. It's all about where their personal vibration is that is going to dictate how and what they express. We are just the trigger for their alignment or misalignment to Self. Ego tries to take responsibility for how other people feel and we can't really, we can and do try but we are all responsible for what we feel and then we express that to another.
Basically, all my relationship triggers have been activated with the assumption that I could have some kind of relationship beyond friendship with River. I've just gotten too far ahead of myself and overly excited at just the thought of being with someone again because it's been so long...
I AM (finally) able to appreciate that this "stuff" is coming up because I honestly thought I had dealt with all of it so I'm glad that I'm getting the chance to "clean up" the residual baggage that is there that is helping me have a better relationship with myself because that's really what it's all about.
Realistically, I can't see anything long term for me with him either because of his age; he does not have the relationship experience that I do. We are a good compliment to each other; he has experience with things that I don't and vice versa. I tell myself that "age is just a number" but it does make a difference when you're talking about experience.
I don't know... I say that and... I know that it's the love that is important and I think he's afraid of falling in love again because of what he's told himself that it means. (like, "we have to get married" or "we have to live together" kind of stuff) See this post as to why that is not necessary.
I've confused myself so much with my mind that I'm actually grateful for the two weeks that he has requested I leave him alone so he can focus on finding a new place to live without having me as a distraction. (THAT mystifies me also! A distraction?! How am I a distraction? Clearly there is more to him that I need to know. It's been a little rough because not only do I not get to see him, I don't get to email him either although, we did exchange a couple of them.
It's given me time to take care of myself and start a new project to keep my mind present and focused on something else. My daughter is having her first baby in a month!💕
I've decided that the best way I can love both of us is to just let him go. We have been having sex since before he broke up with her and my mind has taken that as a sign that it would turn into "something" like a girlfriend/boyfriend thing. I'm reminded that men and women think and treat sex differently. Just to be simple here. I have had moments where I've known it would be just sex and I was fine but with River, it's different. I've never had this kind of attraction to someone and I can't help but want more.
Since he has only spoken about having his freedom after being in a relationship for 8 years and he only recently realized that he should have broken up with her a long time ago, (years) I know that if we keep sleeping together, I will only put pressure on him in subtle and manipulative ways to be my... I've already caught myself doing that when I wrote a long email to him taking a different angle with this. We can find sneaky ways to fool ourselves!
It breaks my heart to do this but I am otherwise torturing myself with the hope that it will be anything else.
I share this as an example of when Love is tough. Sometimes we have to be tough on ourselves in order to REALLY Love ourselves. Loving yourself doesn't always mean getting everything you THINK you want.
I have explored with myself what my attraction is to him. I have labeled it "Soul Family" because he feels familiar to me and he's (mostly) easy to talk to. It is also why I THINK I want to make something of this as well as we have already started to build a solid foundation of friendship with transparency and honesty.
I mentioned this to him over a year ago but I think I can help him more with how to Love himself. He has mentioned that he is aware he needs to love himself more. Maybe he is the student that is ready for the teacher...
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