A Message for Millenials and Z Generations

 As I grow older and gain more experience, I now understand why the older generations (OG) don't understand the younger generations (YG) and visa versa.

 Each generation of children is more advanced in many ways than the OG.  They think differently about the world they live in because it's not the same as when their parents grew up.  Things change very quickly in all ways.  Especially concerning technology.

 My parents grew up without much of the technology we take for granted today like, TV, cell phones etc.  I can remember when we got cable TV, our first answering machine and VCR.  

It's not just technology that changes.  Our consciousness changes also so each new generation of children get the best of both their parents.  

Ideologies change, we find new ways of doing things and many times the OG can't keep up.  I'm finding this true for myself technologically.  I am very tech savvy; I know how to use it but I just don't want to.  I am tired of smart phones, apps and everyone (mostly) assuming that I have one and all the appropriate apps for "daily life".  I long for when everything was more simple, easy to use and less involved.  

It's not the fault of the OG that they can't keep up with changes.  Sometimes they just don't get it and don't care.  They see the changes but just don't understand how to implement/integrate it into their lives.  We do the best that we can with what we have and what we have is always changing.

Most people are resistant to change.  They want things to be easy and they don't want to have to "work" at integrating what they don't understand. 

I know that part of the problem is that the YG DEMANDS to be understood by an OG that just can't because they haven't integrated what they need to do so.  

Another issue is the judgment of the YG of the older generation and their resistance to change; not understanding that the fear of the OG to accepting change is part of the problem.  And then the OG doesn't understand why the YG doesn't want to do things "the old fashioned way".

It's not the fault of the OG.  They have a different consciousness that was needed for their time. 

The YG also does not have the experience of the OG and frequently falls prey to disillusionment by members of the OG who want to control the YG.

Case in point:  When I lived in Hawai'i, I looked into becoming a Hawai'ian national.  I had to learn about Hawai'ian history and part of that was understanding how Hawai'i was illegally annexed into the US.  It was the YG that wanted to adopt "western ways" even though the OG knew better.  They understood the implications of what that meant in terms of their culture and what they would have to give up.  That is evident now.  Much of their culture is lost on the YG unless they have been taught from the OG what it is to be Hawai'ian.

What we need is more understanding of this difference and less judgment.  We need to work together; integrating the generations together and be willing to hear each other out.  We need the each generation to be patient with the other.  We need the YG to be open to learning from the OG how we can simplify things and the OG to be taught by the YG on what makes sense to integrate and implement that can work with what the OG understands.

I intentionally left out a lot of detail so as to inspire thought about this issue.

God Speed to you💕 

I found this that explains some of what I was saying above.

 

 

I AM ONE of these people... Are you? BD 9/6/1966

 Is this YOU?😇💖💪😜 

 

Generation X 

December

So December's energy is supposed to be very intense.  I need many reminders myself to remember to allow myself to JUST LET GO of whatever may be coming up in the way of "negative feelings" as (some of us) have already done the emotional "work" around issues that trigger us.  Another thing that was mentioned was that we may feel very combative this month... wanting to engage in arguments or actual fights with people.  We will also see this outside of us as well.  Out "there".  

Remember, EVERYTHING is neutral until you give it your perspective or make a story about it and it's the story you tell yourself that YOU (the real you; your soul) that will tell you via your feelings whether you are in alignment with the truth or not.  Basically, YOU (as your soul) will see everything as a "yes" as "perfect" (perfect as in everything is perfect as it it, not flawless) and if you feel any negative emotion, it's YOU saying that you need to see it differently to feel better or a positive emotion.

My best analogy for this is this:  I am NOT a fan of football.  I think it's too violent a sport and too many of our beloved men beat themselves up and each other to score points and win a GAME that has no bearing on life except as entertainment!  They've even committed suicide to escape they pain they feel from head injuries.😢 I mean if we gave as much attention to things that REALLY matter, like our own vibration as we do sports or other forms of entertainment, we would be a different society.

That said, I have to shift the way I see football if I want to hang out with my kid and his Dad because sometimes that's the only way I can spend time with them.  So, even though I don't like football, I realize that it's a major part of some people's lives like some of my loved ones and if I want to hang out with them, I have to like watching football.😆

So, as I watch the game, I focus on how they are playing; if they are executing their plays the way they are supposed to and of course, for me as a woman, all the cute butts I see; handsome faces etc.  I focus on things that I DO like.

I've had plenty of time to dial this in.  I've known my ex for over 30 years and it took me many of those years to change how I look at football as I yearn for the day when people finally "get it" how dangerous a sport it is and they no longer need entertainment like they do to distract themselves from more important things.

It's also important to remember not to beat yourself up or be hard on yourself if you do feel combative this month or feel negative emotion.  YOU WILL!  It's inevitable.  Forgive yourself so you can let go of the negative emotion (forgiveness is ALWAYS for the person doing the forgiving) and move on.  Forgive yourself for all of the transgressions you make.  The only one you need to forgive IS yourself. 

As I say this, I know I'm speaking to myself too.  My entertainment is Netflix.  I'm SUCH a Netflix junkie!  😆  I have my own struggles I have to deal with so please don't think I have EVERYTHING dialed in, I don't; YET.I am PERFECT as I am in any given moment and I also keep moving forward to keep "dialing it in" as in my emotional intelligence, letting go of "stuff" that's coming up for release and I do that through forgiveness and having compassion (not feeling "sorry") for myself for my perceived mis-takes and others for theirs.

If you are here on Earth at this time and you are reading this, YOU are a Master.  You wouldn't be here otherwise.  From what I understand about incarnations on Earth is that they are very challenging and for a reason.  So that we can get the most out of our challenges for the optimal GROWTH of our Soul.😇  You MUST have mastered your own ego in "the past" to be here now so congratulate yourself!  YOU'RE DOING IT!!!😇💪💓💕

I love you because we are ONE energy in different bodies; the energy of LOVE; of GOD.   All the BEST to you on your Soul's journey to higher vibrations!😍 

What I've been going through lately...

Until today, (back in the middle of August) I haven't even had the desire to come here and share what's been going on with me even though it may be helpful to some to hear from me that, as bad as it may seem sometimes, it's not the worst and it's only temporary. Here is a video from Kerry K who I have great trust in that she knows what she is talking about.  This video describes quite accurately how I've been feeling lately.  I haven't really had the emotional swings to such extreme as what she talks about, but what I have noticed is that I feel it more clearly when there is a big enough gap in emotional frequencies that I can really feel the difference between different feelings instead of them being blended together.

There is so much that I have processed from this ongoing experience... it's part of spiritual awakening that I interpret as attaining the awareness and experience of Who I really am; awakening INTO who I really am as I let go of personal baggage.

It started with the overall feeling of being "done".  Done with how I live my live, what I wear, living with the people I'm living with, what I do for a living... I could go on and on... I felt most of it with a sense of conviction and a tiny bit of resentment. 

This lasted for a couple of weeks.  

It has been months now and what I've realized is that I'm done being on Earth; not that I'm going to leave my body, but that I'm going to leave the surface of the planet.  I would love to have my own space ship and go explore other planets! 

Anyway, back to the changes I've been experiencing.

Over the last few months, I've regained patience, a greater sense of security and I've surprised myself.  It's still been a yo-yo like feeling of being up in vibration and then back down but consistantly still going up.

I went to the Big Island of Hawai'i the last 2 weeks of October and stayed with the friends I always stay with; knowing what I was walking into.  Their house was in worse shape than ever!😆 I was worried that I was going to be put out by all the clutter and literal dirt but I wasn't!  I had what I feel was an extraordinary amount of compassion and understanding for their situation. 

That whole trip was better than the one before that.  I reconnected with several friends all of whom asked me if I was moving back.

When I got back home, the difference in vibration between Boulder and Pahoa was such a chasm that I could really feel it.  The energy here in Boulder feels dense and kinda thick whereas the energy on the Big Island felt very light and less dense.

I' still aware of parts of my ego that really don't want to cooperate😆 but that's ok.  I'm still making progress with myself.

My outside reality is still the same as well but here and there as I keep moving up in vibration, I experience strings of synchronicities. 

Here is a GREAT short video of Bashar using a very good analogy for explaining manifestation. 

Here also is another video that I found today that pretty accurately describes pretty much what I'm in the middle of as I'm working on my 60'th year!

 

GRATEFUL!😇

I am SO grateful to all the people around the world who have come to this blog and read my words.  Please leave a comment about what you "got" from reading this blog and what you'd like to read about in the future.  I would like some inspiration from others about what you'd like a different opinion on; spiritual or otherwise.

 I don't usually talk about politics or conspiracies but maybe you'd like to hear a different opinion?  

It doesn't matter if you have to write in a different language.  I can use a translator!  I'd love to hear from you!

All Best and I Love You!💖💓😍 

Tired of the "Roller Coaster"

The last few days have been emotionally challenging for me.  I feel like today I've gotten a small "break".  

I call it "the roller coaster" effect.  When I'm feeling good, I'm on the upswing or at the top/near the crest of the ride.  When I'm not feeling good I'm on the way down from the crest or even at the bottom.  I know I'm not the only one who goes through this but at the times I'm not feeling good, I feel like I'm alone in it.  

This time around, I can tell that my most "difficult" part; the part of my ego that was created when I had my life threatened, is in the driver's seat.  I can tell because of the monologue I have in my head and what comes out of my mouth when I'm by myself or driving.  I have little to no patience and this part wants to treat everyone as if they are some kind of threat.  

While I know this isn't true, I just let this part "have its way" while I make the decision to NOT say or act out anything that this part comes up with.  The one exception is while I'm driving.😂  I allow this part to tell people to get the hell out of my way or get off their phones and drive... I let myself be authentic in the moment.  

The rest of the time, I don't really FEEL like I'm making a conscious choice to be congenial, it feels like it's effortless... like I know who I choose to be and I just BE that person.  If my patience is tried, I can be very short and blunt but still maintain my cool.  I just let people know from my attitude that I'm not going to put up with any BS.

Basically, I feel like I need to isolate myself because of how I feel.  Part of it is that I just don't want to put up with people and their BS and also, part of me is afraid that I will put people "off" which is not my desire. 

I KNOW that the Sun is sending us very powerful energy right now as I keep track of what the Sun is doing through Stefan Burns on YT.  IMO, he is the best Geophysicist out there.  He's very thorough and is very knowledgeable.  It's now constant stream of high frequency Love energy is literally forcing out all of the lower frequencies out of us!😲

Still, knowing that, does not make the ride any easier.  It does, however, give me hope that the end is near.  This round, for me, is not as bad as it has been in the past.  With that, I know I'm nearing the end of this "roller coaster" ride!

I share what I'm going through to help you see that, if you are going through what I'm going through, that you're not the only one and it DOES get better.  Stick with it and see it through and do you best to be your best version even if you don't really feel like your best version.💖

 

Light language

Recently I listened to a light language session given by Zeenat Lakdawala, a woman from India that offers many different kinds of sessions.  I bought a series of session for inflammation and I was amazed at the results.  I have used many of her sessions but this time, the results were very tangible!  

I have written about living with a couple and we all share the kitchen.  Over the years, members of this household (including air bnb guests) have slowly become lazy in cleaning up; leaving dishes in the sink and food/clutter on the counters.  

For quite a while now, I have been cleaning up after everyone because I have a higher standard of clean than the rest of them.  I've also done it with a certain degree of resentment.  

Also, every morning while I'm on the internet and watching videos about what's going on "out there", I would sweat under my arms profusely.  I know this to be fear.

After just one session (week 1) of the light language for inflammation, the very next day, I woke up without these fears.  I hadn't even realized that the reason I was cleaning up after everyone was because I was afraid that it would get worse and that it wouldn't get done.  

All of that has disappeared and that was almost 2 weeks ago!  It has stuck and I'm so happy about that!  

I was also losing my patience while driving and even though I was aware of it, I could not help myself.  

Even my patience had come back!  It feels so good to have my patience back and to feel confident that I don't have to "do" for everyone else.  

I have been able to let go of that need to clean up for everyone and it's getting done!  Not always when I think it should be done but it's getting done.

I wasn't aware that this was fear because I wasn't feeling it!  It wasn't until I listened to the session that I became aware of the fear I no longer had.

Light language is a series of sounds with no meaning.  Instead they are heard by the mind/body and they change consciousness in a positive way; aiding in "letting go."  I highly recommend listening to what Zeenat offers.

Here is a description of the series for inflammation with the link to sign up.

Inflammation is more than a physical condition. It’s a multi-layered expression of imbalance that impacts the body, mind, and energy system. While the body uses inflammation as a natural defence mechanism, when it becomes chronic, it stops being a protective response and turns into a holding pattern. Chronic inflammation, then, is not simply the body reacting — it’s the body remembering. And to truly heal it, we must meet it on all levels. The body stores unprocessed emotions, suppressed trauma, and energetic overload. This buildup doesn't just fade — it settles into the tissues, organs, and nervous system, becoming a quiet yet persistent imprint. Over time, this unresolved energy can manifest as chronic pain, digestive distress, autoimmune conditions, or fatigue. The discomfort continues, and true healing remains just out of reach, cycling over and over again. Introducing the Light Language Alchemical Inflammation Release (AIR) — a transformative series to guide you through healing inflammation from the inside out. Whether you are dealing with chronic pain, digestive issues, fatigue, or feeling emotionally drained, this three-part series offers a pathway to restore balance and vitality on all levels: physical, emotional, and energetic.
Series Benefits
The AIR Series is an energetic surgery as each session is a multi-layered experience to provide relief, recalibration and remembrance. A return to your original rhythm. The series works directly to the heart for those who have been called to work, as it will :
Liberate Your Body from Invisible Weight: Release inflammation held in your tissues and energy field. Reclaim vitality as your body begins to feel lighter, freer, and more in flow with life. Clear the Emotional Static that Keeps You Spinning: Transmute hidden grief, guilt, and anger stored in the cells. Experience emotional not detachment, but peace where old patterns lose their charge.
Restore Harmony with Your Higher Self: Dissolve energetic congestion that clouds clarity. Strengthen your soul connection and inner truth. Unlock Energy for What You’re Meant to Do Next: As inflammation heals, your system recalibrates, energy that was locked in pain becomes available for creation, expression, and expansion with ease and flow.
Step into the Frequency Where Healing Meets Abundance: as you recalibrate, the system clears and aligns naturally with clarity, receptivity, and abundance rooted in soul integrity.
Your Journey Through the AIR Series
Week 1: Clearing Physical Inflammation & Cellular Density Address the cellular memory of stress, fatigue, and stagnation - Detoxifying stored energetic residue - Reduce symptoms - pain, fatigue, bloating, skin issues - Activate immune system’s natural rhythm - Create space to begin a new phase of healing - Establish somatic safety for deeper emotional work
Week 2: Releasing Emotional Imprints & Trauma Memory Heal dense imprints that kindle inflammation and soul disconnection. - Release unresolved emotional loops             - Harmonise heart and gut (emotional digestion) - Clear ancestral & inherited burden.               - Shift from reactive to inner neutrality - Reset emotional boundaries
Week 3: Energetic Realignment & DNA Activation We move beyond clearing to activating — reclaiming your innate light, intuitive wisdom, and vibrational integrity.
- Deeper activation of dormant DNA and light body upgrades - Experience soul connection and intuitive recalibration - Clearing blocks around purpose, alignment, and higher guidance - Anchoring frequencies of abundance, receptivity, and flow -Sealing the healing process with crystalline light codes
Series Details
Each session is conducted Live via InstantTeleseminar. Replays are available immediately and carry the complete energetic transmission. Date - April 24, May 1 and 8, 2025 - Thursday Time: 07:00 PM IST (India). To map the date and time for your respective country, please refer to http://www.thetimezoneconverter.com. Call Duration - 45 to 60 minutes Energy Exchange: - $207 | ₹17007 (Two payment options available) Paypal -https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/SoulSearchLife In case the link is not opening, please type or paste on your web/internet browser - https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/SoulSearchLife Please Note Do not respond to this email if you have already registered for the call I will share the link soon! YES TO MORE RECEIVING & YES TO MORE HEALING! Many Blessings! Zeenat

Lost...

Here I stand at a crossroads; unsure of what direction to go in.  I'm no longer satisfied with my life.  I'm bored with my clothes, my job, where I live and who I live with.  I have little to no patience with other people and all their bullshit. 

I still have this super critical part of myself that just won't let go... to just be OK with how things are in my environment.  I'm so over myself.  I'm weary of needing control over the kitchen and how things are done.  Honestly, I can't tell if I'm just refining my preferences or if it's a projection of a control issue.  I don't feel the need to control other people, just where I live.  

This last weekend was rough for me.  I was dog sitting and I have wanted to be done with this family for a long time.  I just don't resonate with them.  They are good people with bad habits and ways of living I don't agree with that extends to their pets.  Let that be all I say about THAT!😆

I know I'm going through a Saturn Return (2nd) and that's probably part of it.  Neptune also went into Aries on Sunday.  That is HUGE!  I'm not sure what I am feeling is connected to that but I'm hoping that it will help clear things up as it's the clarity of Aries and Neptune is hopes and dreams.

I know this feeling is temporary but at the same time, it feels like I'll never get over it.  I hate being in this space.  It just sucks.  Life feels like it has no meaning to it and like I'm just going through the motions.  

I feel like I'm in a self-created prison and there's no way out.  I feel lost...

I watched this movie, "Life List" and parts of it made me cry because I could so relate to the main character.  She had fallen in a "hole" in her life and her Mom knew it and made her complete this "life list" she had written when she was 13 before she could receive her inheritance.  

I cried because that's how I feel; like I'm in a hole that I have no idea how to get out of.  I've given up on dreams or just plain forgot about them.

I used to love my life; it really worked for me and now I hate it.  I've been pet/house sitting for over 10 years!  I love the pets but I'm done with taking responsibility for other people; whatever that may be.  I need something different and I have no idea what that "something" is.  I definitely will NOT work for someone else.  I've worked for myself way too long for that.  

What I'd really LOVE is to be independently wealthy so I can do what I want which is to travel the world with a partner seeing all the sacred sites in all the different countries.  Is that too big of a dream...?

I wrote my own "life list".  There is only one thing that I've wanted to do that is checked off already and that's to be a DJ.  I got to do it at our local radio station back in 2019.  I only did two.  My second was an attempt to be creative.  I wrote a story using just song titles and then played all the songs.  The people at KGNU weren't impressed.  It was very stressful because I was afraid I would mess up.  I didn't but I realized that I wasn't going to cut it as a DJ because, while I like listening to music, I don't really know much about it nor do I care.  I just know I NEED A MICROPHONE!

My only inspiration right now is this beautiful man whom I met while I was volunteering at the radio station, at a bike shop and a spiritual center.  I met him at the bike shop and then found out he was also volunteering at the same spiritual center doing healing work.  He lives in Brazil and ever since he left, he has said I'm welcome to visit.  It wasn't until this year when I reached out to see how he was that he actually said I should come.

He loves his life, he's learning every aspect of the coffee business from growing to roasting and spends his free time with friends doing extreme bicycle riding.  I don't really know him well, however, he feels like family and I'm studying Portuguese so that when I go visit him I'll at least understand what people are saying.😆 I'm also hoping that there may be something there; between us that will grow but like he says, only time will tell.💖

Update 4/2/2025, next day

I wanted to add a link to my show at KGNU but the archive is no longer available.  I did find the story I wrote and the song titles are underlined.

Welcome to the strangest party where, what's going on is everyone wants to rule the world.  Why can't we be friends?  We are under pressure to get out of our heads lest our distracted minds lead us to be another brick in the wall.  We must get up, stand up and free (y)our minds and come undone to find the groove (is) in (the)our heart.  We must put our light on and drive ourselves to find our higher ground for the goal is elevation.

All you need is now to become your own personal Jesus.  One thing leads to another as you doowutyalike to be everloving and addicted to Love.

This revolution is our finest hour to overcome our dark necessities.  Imagine, as Love spreads, we will come together and be One Love.  Let's work together to become one and bring joy to the world for WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

That story above is my ode to our ascension

I also listened to THIS VIDEO from Lee Harris who does regular monthly energy readings for the collective.  What he had to say was SPOT ON!  I suggest you listen

"Immigration"

I'm posting my comment to an article I read that's about Boulder.  This is where I live and it's a "sanctuary city".  Personally, I'm DONE with this BS.  I've included the article here so that you have the background and I'm including my comment because it has to be "accepted" before it's published.  Given that I'm in disagreement with what they are saying (basically they will be telling people how they can shelter illegal immigrants from ICE) and I'm not sure that the "facts" they presented are accurate with regard to warrants; there is no guarantee that my comment will be published.  

My comment:

I’m all for immigration, however, I want to KNOW that these people came here LEGALLY. I want Boulder to be DONE as a sanctuary city. There is NO WAY of telling who is a criminal and who isn’t by looking at them and that is a BIG problem. All you have to do is go to Nextdoor and read the threads of how crime in Boulder has risen since being a “sanctuary city”. The only people who have something to REALISTICALLY fear are those who came here illegally and those who hired some of these people who are afraid they may have to do their own house cleaning, yard work or lose their favorite fast food restaurant. The “Swamp” is deep and wide and people are kidding themselves if they think corruption isn’t found in Boulder. Personally, I’m grateful that the wall is being finished, people are being sent back to where they came from and criminals are being put where they belong. Let’s not forget, OBAMA deported MILLIONS of people so let’s not cry “boo-hoo” just yet. Let those who came here as “victims” go back and elect a leader that will put them first so that they can be proud of the country they came from instead of running away “for a better life somewhere else”. It’s high time EVERY human being stands up for themselves to be treated as such! Why should we be protecting these people when we have people that LIVE HERE LEGALLY that need to come first?! Let the chips fall where they may.  

Also, there doesn’t seem to be any consideration in this article to the people living here that are afraid to walk down the street alone or be out at night because they’re not sure if the person following them or ahead of them may be a criminal? You can’t just make this one sided. Boulder LEGAL residents MUST come FIRST!

A New Level of Self Worth and Value

Recently, I've had to "let go" of a few people in my life.  One person because when we hung out together, I didn't feel appreciated and I wasn't having fun.  It goes deeper than that but the point is, I have tried many times over the years to be with this person and it just hasn't worked out for me so I told her I didn't want to hang out with her anymore.  It felt like she was just using me to have SOMEONE to hang out with; not that there was anything special about me that it had to be ME at that moment she wanted to be with.  (energy vampire)  She actually said to me that she NEEDED more friends and then left me to go sit with some MeetUp group of women to chat them up when were were out together.  The nerve.  Clearly, just being with me wasn't enough.

The second is River.  While I'm grateful for the experience I went through with him albeit a painful emotional experience, I decided he wasn't worth my time or energy to continue this facade of friendship since he hasn't really acted as my friend.  He's only giving lip service to it while he continues to block me on his phone and instagram.  It's pretty clear that he only contacts me when he wants to use me like back in October when he and his girlfriend broke up and he tried to pass himself off as a "pleasure" guy and use me for sex.  He has never seen through or past his lust for me to see my true value as the REAL friend I could have been to him.  He only saw me as a "plaything".  He doesn't know I've cut him out of my life.  Not sure I really need to tell him either.  I've just been able to conveniently avoid him thus far.

The third is my Mom.  Yeah, I know how that sounds.  The last time I went to see her, I was already on edge emotionally (angry) and I warned her about it and apologized ahead of time if I seemed to have a short fuse.  When we were getting ready to leave, I started to fold up the chair that my stepdad had been sitting in to put it against the wall and she barked at me to leave it alone and called me an idiot.  It was that moment I realized very clearly that my Mom was never going to see me as anything other than the small child that she thought she could abuse verbally and she was never going to change her attitude about me either.  I could never do anything "right" according to her and she would be abusive in how she told me she wanted it done.  This is a "thing" that I struggle with myself having spent 9 months soaking up this abusive attitude while in her womb.  (YES!  this is a real thing.  Check out Masaru Emoto's research on water or go watch "What the Bleep do we know")

I barked back a warning to her and then left without giving her a hug.  

It's not a decision I took lightly.  I talked about it with my stepdad and he gets it.  He's had nearly 35 years of experience of her verbal and emotional abuse.  The thing is, I know I'm doing it for the right reasons.  In all three cases, I'm putting myself; my own needs and desires FIRST.  This is a healthy way of being selfish.  (There's always two sides to every coin so-to-speak)  Why should I (or anyone!) stay in a relationship where we feel unappreciated, abused or used?  

I wrote her a note to explain why I wouldn't be going to see her anymore which included the fact that even though I'm there, I feel invisible.  She has only cared about having Ralph there and even asked me NOT to play UNO with them when we came and I was only there twice a month anyway!  Even when I had something to share with her; some kind of update or critter video, she didn't really seem to care and was impatient to play their game.  I also made sure she knew that I loved her but I love myself more and I was DONE putting up with her abuse.  I was taking my space from her until she could change her attitude toward me and have some appreciation for me. 

I then put the note and a New Years Card my daughter sent to me with photos of her family INCLUDING the Great Grand Daughter my Mom will never see or meet into a Valentines Card which I then sent to the Loveland post office where they put a special stamp on it because the city is "Loveland" and it's Valentines Day (why is there NO eyeroll emojo here? lol) where she has lived for the last 10 years.  This was a tradition she used to follow when I was a kid and I thought she'd like it.

I'm not planning on this being permanent and I also told her that I don't hate her and this is not a punishment.  It's very simple; I value MYSELF, my time and when it's clear that people don't have the same appreciation for me that I do of myself, I take my leave.  I'm not going to waste my time "chasing" people for their attention or recognition.  I can do that for myself.  

I LOVE being alone.  Mostly (these days) because I can just BE in my own energy, I have peace and quiet and I don't have to endure someone's victim attitude.  I'm just over it.  I am no longer a victim of myself or other people.  This IS the choice we have.💪😇

I had been asking for help from the unseen realm for a way to open my heart to myself.  This was it.  I feel a new level of self confidence and love for myself because I took the necessary steps to do what I needed to do for myself.

I still Love all of these people in the sense that I accept them they way that they choose to be , however, in standing in my own power, I refuse to accept their behavior towards me if it's abusive whether if it's just taking my energy just to have me "around", pretending to be a friend for one's own benefit or verbal/emotional abuse.  I'm done.💖

Huge Realization!

This is a deeper explanation of just what I've been going through on a personal level with the whole "River" thing.

I have no problem being honest with myself.  It's the only way to see what's really going on; to see patterns and behaviors that I'd like to change.

I understand now why I had to get together with him, why I couldn't pull myself away from him and have the awareness in the moment of what was REALLY going on.  I had to go through it ALL.  And by all, I mean the whole cycle of involvement so that I could SEE it all; all my behaviors and the pattern I was playing out.

The pattern I saw was falling for the attention I was getting and allowing myself to be more enamored than in Love that allowed me to forget what was important; maintaining my values and my integrity both of which I sacrificed for the attention.  Also, mistaking lust for love.

In the past, this has been my "modus operandi".  I didn't ask enough questions, I just jumped right in without a second thought.  I was too giddy to be getting attention to realize that I wasn't getting Love, I was only getting lust.  The men in my life (most of them) have only had lust for me and I mistook that for love.  I even remember thinking way back when that a man must love me if he is willing to sleep with me...😆  OMG!  how naive I was!

In the last few months, I started following a new teacher; Kerry K.  She's the real deal.  I love her straight forward, candid way of telling it like it is.  I'm not sure I agree with everything she has to say about ego given that taking that path of self Love has really worked for me, however, I can agree to disagree.  

I got to ask her a question on one of the live calls about why I'm still single when I want a partner and she told me it's because I haven't been able to just be myself with people.  I have (had) a tendency to adopt the personality of the person in front of me.  I started to notice this happening a couple of decades ago but I didn't really equate it with "not being myself".  I thought is was just part of being an empath.

It made me cry hearing this about myself.  I knew it was true and I remember hearing myself say in my mind that I didn't know who I was...

I wasn't allowed to be myself as a child; I was squashed my my mom and she tried to mold me into what she wanted; a maid/personal slave.  

I KNOW WHO I AM on a spiritual level.  The part of me that's confused is my ego.

This is all part of my experience with "River".  Part of the cycle included allowing myself to be used for sex in the hopes that he'd fall in Love with me and change his mind about wanting to be with me on a bf/gf level. 

I actually recognized what I was doing to myself in the moment but was too all consumed with the attention to stop myself.  I knew (after getting to know him a bit better) that I didn't want him as a partner because of his own behaviors that I didn't like and even though I KNOW the worst thing we can do as women is think we can change a man into what we want or the potential we can see, it didn't stop me from trying.  You wouldn't believe the stories I told myself of "if only he would let me help him..." kinda stuff and the knowledge that we are having many lives together that kept me in that loop.  

All I can say is Thank God (my Self) that I have the awareness that I have of my self and I've done the work that I've done to get right with my Self and get real.

I don't have any more hatred for him like I did.  I was really hating on myself for falling for that shit (again) and now I only have gratitude for that experience with him.  He played a significant role in that experience to show me what I needed to change for myself to have that solid, grounded partnership that I really want.

This lifetime is all about ascension and I've known that for over 3 decades now.  It would do me no good at all to lie to myself about anything and cheat myself.  I have seen AND felt my own ascension in a dream back in 1999 so I know I will make it and I also know I am on the forefront of this magnificent change/upgrade we are all experiencing.  

It's why I share these significant challenges with myself here, on this blog.  To show people that even though we make mistakes, we can surpass them.  To tell you, mistakes are not just ok, it's how we learn because how would we know what we want if we didn't have the experience of what we don't want somewhere along the line?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I hope it has helped you in some way...

Aloha