Details about my coming into balance

This is an update about my last blog. I wanted to go more into detail about what my experience entailed to give anyone who reads this the awareness of what to expect when they have their own "awakening" or "coming into balance". It has been a few months now and I have more clarity not only about how my shift happened but also how I have allowed myself to descend (again) into an abyss with the company I have kept.
 

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you'll know that most of my adult life has been spent on higher learning/consciousness. My path has led me to many many other pathways of healing and integration. All of which were perfect for me in that moment; but I never stuck with just one path. I would find something that didn't resonate or I'd find some untruth/falsity and move on to the next tool that would find me. And what I would find did not invalidate that particular path, but being a truth seeker, I was always searching for that "one path" that would serve EVERYONE and it also had to be empowering. 

 

Many times the pathways I would find were from outside of myself; even chiropractic, which was immensely helpful for my body but I came to recognize that it too was another thing outside of myself that I was using to heal myself. To boil it all down, all one needs to do is love every part of ourselves to make this shift happen. I know it seems very simple and it is and what is complicated is the route that we have all taken to get where we are within ourselves that shifted us out of balance to begin with. 

 

I was in a relationship with a man that I still love dearly and I know within my heart that is my twin flame but things weren't going well for us. We made many mis-takes with each other, especially in what we believed the other was thinking/doing. 

 

This relationship change dramatically when he decided to buy a ticket to Maui and leave the big island, where we had been living together, without telling me. It had been difficult for both of us to speak out truths to each other; coming from the heart.  

 

Well, anyway, he left and after about a week, I filled up his voicemail with everything that I had needed to say but had fear around. During this time, I also came across a book, "Handbook to Higher Consciousness" and in there I recognized that I was living from my lower three chakras; power, pleasure and security. I knew this was something I needed to change to I went to see a couple of friends at a market and told them what I had discovered and that I wanted help shifting to my heart space. I was given help to accomplish this, (I did the "work" and they facilitated). A couple of weeks later, I went back to ask Soul why I wasn't in my heart and that I kinda felt like I was in neutral. He said that I was and that it wasn't a "bad" place to be. Yada Yada. I went back in two more weeks and asked what was going on, I still wasn't "there". He told me I needed to surrender and that when I went to bed that night, to "melt". So I did, that night, I said out loud that I gave up, that I was ready to be in my heart and to lead myself from there.
 

It took me about a week but I realized that I had made a subtle shift. It was more about what was not there more than what was there. I realized that there were no parts of me "hiding", afraid to come to the surface except in anger or any other negative emotion.  All of me was on the surface. I felt like a little kid at times because I can be very goofy and that was coming out a LOT!  It also became easier for me to speak my truth and not really care anymore what people think about me. I've always understood intellectually that it doesn't matter what other people think, that it only matters what we think about ourselves. No one can create anything for us. We create every experience on our own. It only looks like people do things to us when we don't take responsibility for the creation ourselves. I had always told myself that I didn't care what people think but now it's 100% true! I felt very joyous and the synchronicity in my life increased multi-fold! I was able to stay in this space for a good 2 months with some minor "hick-ups" or "bumps in the road".

Part of my experience was allowing myself and making it OK to just receive. I received a LOT of unconditional love from a friend who also made it OK for me. So I had a benchmark to reflect on and use as comparison for myself.

I started to feel a call to go to Maui, not really knowing why. What came to me was that there are a LOT of spiritual teachers there and maybe why that was the reason why I was feeling "called". I also knew that I really need to talk with my partner about what went down between us and to clear things up. I have been able to do that on many levels. But not all the way. I have let go of all the hurt and pain associated with this person but he has not and it's obvious to me. Residing in one's heart changes the perspective that one sees from and one only sees the truth. Looking through the ego tends to twist things so that we don't necessarily see the truth but what the ego wants to see to make it fit it's idea of what it thinks the truth is.  Big difference.  I see more of where people are truly at with themselves.  I know if they are in their heart or in their ego.  And sometimes it's a very subtle shift in energy.  Sometimes it's more obvious.  It depends on how much inner work the individual has done.

So I'm here on Maui, doing my best to let my path unfold by keeping myself in check (my ego), thanking it for doing a good job and alerting me to whatever perceived threat it sees and also reassuring it (myself) that my heart knows what it's doing and to just review the evidence of that by looking in hindsight, moving back chronologically, at all the synchronicity and coincidences that have occurred.   

 

Hind sight is always 20/20. Meaning, that it's easier to see that path that got us to where we are when you look back than when you try to look into the future. That's because we are just supposed to trust in the universe to give us what we want and our only job is to get clear on what we want. We get clear on what we want through the experience of duality(3d). The experience of contrast.  Getting what we don't want so that we can then choose what we DO want.  That's why we are here. 

 

Coming to the 3d experience(earthly living), causes our ego to separate itself from the heart. It's the difference in frequency that causes that to happen. When we are born, we are perfect and depending on how we handle our experiences growing up, determines how far we move out of alignment of our heart. Life is reflected in our choices and their are only two places to take a choice from; the head/ego (false self)/fear, and the heart, (true self), love. Every choice we take reinforces the direction it came from; love or fear. The path, viewed in hindsight, if one is honest with oneself, will always lead one to it's true source; love or fear. It's up to us to learn how to differentiate between the two and sometimes it can be very subtle. So, when you look in hindsight at any situation, you can see where each choice came from. The only mis-take we make is when we take a choice from our ego or out of fear.  A tell tale sign is having any kind of negative feeling of fear no matter how subtle.  A choice from the heart in NEVER a mis-take and the synchronicity is usually abundant if you are aware of it and know to look for it.  The problem is, is that many people are unaware that they are the ones that create their life to begin with so they are not in the habit of taking responsibility for their choices.  But let's face it, we have all been subject to programming even if only a little bit.  We have been led down a self-destructive path little by little through our indoctrination into western society.

Kinda got off on some tangents there but I was also on a roll so let me get back to my story here.
 

We always test ourselves after making big changes where we have learned lessons to see if they have "stuck". While I have been on Maui, it has just been one grand adventure. I have come to realize that I'm mostly here for my partner even though the thoughts I had surrounding seeing him again always revolved around just telling him my truth and completely disconnecting from him so that he can continue with his contrasting experiences (creating what he doesn't want).  It wasn't until I got here and I was asking for confirmation of who he is to me that I was reminded of all the synchronicity and coincidences that brought us together and that he is in my heart and I have this inexplicable draw to him, to want to help him, to empower him with the knowledge I have.  I still have told him my truth.  I told him about what I know and how I feel about him and that we are twins.  I also told him that I did not wish to be with anyone who is not in their heart space and that I would rather be alone than be with someone other than him.  He is still in his ego. He's even seeing someone else although it's interesting that he felt the need to tell me that she was just a friend and that he doesn't want to be in another relationship.  I can see where he is making his mistake and I'm not even upset that he is "sharing" with someone else. It does make me a little sad but that's it.  I told him that in the 1% chance that I may be wrong, it's ok.  I'm ok with being alone if that's the case or maybe someone new will enter my life soon.  If not, and I'm right, I can wait. I can be patient and allow him to make his mis-takes and not judge him for it because in the end, we will be together anyway.  So why am I telling you all this?  Because it is such a different experience that I am noticing, to be in my heart while going through this particular event.  I'm able to see the truth.

So part of my experience here has been a huge lesson in letting go. Letting go of people, letting go of material things and letting go of thoughts that don't serve me. That is one that I have to really be conscious about when it's about relationships. I've had some lessons about who I spend my time with also. I've been in one place for the last month and I discovered late last week that I really didn't like where I've been staying. To stay there has been slowly draining my energy; from being surrounded by electrical circuitry all the time to being in the presence of people who change who they are depending on who they are with. In other words, not being real or honest. This person has asked me early on about how I perceive him and now I struggle with telling him my latest observations because I'm not sure I should. This situation isn't just about him, there are others involved. Anyway, it's been a good lesson for me to feel when my energy is not being appreciated and how I'm being drained.

I've done really well making (most) of my decisions from my heart. I can see and feel where I have made mis-takes, I own it, I usually laugh about it and then I remind myself that even though something doesn't look as I think it should in making that choice from my heart, that as long as it feels right, I'm ok.

I think that's enough for now. Tomorrow, I leave Kihei with a new-found sister young enough to be my daughter, for Hana and then up the mountain to the desert for a while. After that, I'm not sure but my best guess right now from the signs I'm hearing, it's back to the Big Island to see my Ohana family. I have many people ready to welcome me back with open arms and does that ever feel wonderful!

Waking Up...

Just this year(2012) before I left the Big Island and came to Maui, I went through an amazing personal transformation. To be brief, my relationship had ended and after purging myself of all that I hadn't been able to say before he left, I started reading "Handbook to Higher Consciousness" and recognized that I had been living from my lower three chakras. 

 

I went to some friends at space market and told them that I wanted to be in my heart. They performed their "magic" and I was left in neutral for about a month. 

 

The second time I went back to ask what was going on; that I knew I wasn't in my heart, I was told to surrender to my higher self and that when I went to bed that night to "melt". So I did. I surrendered, out loud, telling myself that I gave up, that I give up control and that I wanted to be in my heart. 

 

The next day, I was slightly different. The only way to describe it is to say that I was still "me", but all of me was on the surface. There wasn't any part of me hiding anymore. It was about noticing what wasn't there and what was different. I began to notice subtle changes about myself. I had already done a LOT of inner work so this shift in me has stuck. 

 

I am now in a "refinement" process of my emotions. I still may get irritated or even annoyed but I own it right away and find what it is I need to accept in myself that quells the irritation or annoyance. 

 

It's all about just loving who you are with all of the things you don't like. That's all I did (really). Throughout the years, many times it looked like me going outside of myself to answers and for help. I can see now that all I or anyone else needs to do is just love what is there. Loving all the parts of ourselves that we pushed aside while we were children is what caused our pain to begin with. Accepting them back is the key to becoming whole again and makes it possible to STAY in one's heart space.
I AM the change I wish to see in the world!

Shifts and Shit

So much is going on right now...I find myself in a similar but less intense place where Brandon Bays was in her book The Journey. I have to move by the end of December, my job at Art Mart will be ending also, at least, I have no idea what is going to happen when Art Mart closes at the end of December so they can move. The owner has been less than communicative about what is going on. No one knows if they are going to have a job at the end of the year. I'm assuming that I won't be helping to move the store and I really don't want to help move the store as I will be moving myself too! 

And the worst...the one man I had hopes of creating a romantic relationship with went in another direction with someone else. I'm not mad about any of this, in fact, I'm pretty excited about having another opportunity to create what I want. And while I'm happy for my friend Lawrence and his new love, I'm truly bummed that I'm not engaged in my own romantic relationship with the man of my dreams. To me, Lawrence is the perfect example of what I want in a man. It's just too bad he's not available and the sad part is-he was when I met him! I don't blame him for his choice and I'm glad he's happy. I'm just feeling stuck in being sad about having what I wanted slip through my fingers. 

I also know the more I dwell in the 'not having', the more my situation will stay the same; the more I will create the 'not having'. I manifested what I wanted in a living situation~ rent in exchange for something other than $$ although, I neglected to include what I wanted my roommate(s) to be like. And now I get to do it again but this time be more specific and include everything. I know I can do it again. It's really just re-patterning myself in a new, more productive habit. 

That's what I like about the Journey process~it does that-the re patterning! I have only scratched the surface of my 'shit' as they call it~yes they don't worry about being pc at the Journey Intensive...They call it like it is! lol ~and I can tell there is a lot more to let go of. I feel like I'm jumping around here...the more I try to express myself here, the more I realize how words do little to convey what is really being said. I am starting to see the holographic picture of things...different perspectives adding dimension to every situation I observe. 

And that's another thing I've noticed that's changing about me...I feel myself being the observer without judgment and a participant at the same time. There is a lot of chaos going on around me but I'm ok with it, even my own. I know everything is going to be ok. Some aspects of my life just suck right now and I think that the energy of this day in general is why I am so in my shit right now! lol 

Maybe I'm feeling everyone else too. My own perspective of 'I'm so bummed I don't have a (soul)mate' is drawing to me those people who are also in a negative perspective of their situation. I've noticed, when I feel good and have a positive outlook, I don't notice the people who are in a negative perspective, I'm not drawn to them or they go the other way. That's what I'm talking about!!! Noticing those kinds of things. It is not as easy describing my experience in words as it used to be because of all the perspectives I'm seeing. It would almost be easier to paint a picture. I have thought of that to describe some of my dreams~painting a picture. One of those things I just think of but never do... I feels shifts going on. 

I did a Journey process for a mutual friend of me and my housemate that was staying here for the last week. I felt her shift when she got to the heart of her source. I felt it! I knew she was there and what a relief it was for her. 

I don't know why I feel this depression. It's not mine for sure. I'm not depressed about anything but I do know that before I am going to manifest what I want this time, I have to do an Abundance Journey and clear away my limiting beliefs that I have surrounding abundance and prosperity and clear my cellular memory also and replace with new positive programming. 

We must empty our emotional bodies of all the negative baggage we've been unintentionally carrying around with us. All that stuff is coming to the surface anyway, so we might as well help it along with Journeying. This is crucial to ascension. 

I believe that I am going through this now in order to help others through it in the not-too-distant-future. I know the more I share about it, the more people will want to know about it. My own experience of it is ongoing and I am experiencing a noticeable shift going on in myself. I feel myself being freed of a lot of 'shit' and some of the limiting beliefs are gone with it. The old limiting beliefs have been replaced by loving, supportive beliefs about myself. That's why I'm not too bummed about having to move and find a new job. 

Now the task remains to pull myself together regarding a partner and get over losing the 'perfect' guy to someone else. I was thinking about this...maybe he wasn't as perfect for me as I thought and right now there is just no way to know because I have not had the opportunity to ask him what he wants. Maybe we don't want the same thing. I make that allowance to help me move past my pain. 

I really need a journey process around this to help me do what has not become standard for me yet and that is to allow myself to move through the experience by feeling my emotions, saying what needs to be said, forgiving, and healing the experience and the root experience that this has triggered. I know that as I do more of this work, I will not continue to slap more 'shit' onto myself by stuffing my feelings. Ok, I think I'm done although I could have expounded a lot on all of the tangents here. lol I think I need to do this as a video...