A New Wrinkle to the Last Two

I have another experience to share concerning the lesson I learned from the last gig I did.

When I returned to the house I was at to discover the door had been left open, there were two guys there to blow out the irrigation system that had arrived ahead of me.  

One of them gave me his business card and I had a quick insight that it wasn't just about having a new customer but wanting to talk with me further or even setting up a date.  When I finally did contact him, I asked why he had given me his card and I had been correct; he wanted a date!  

We texted back and forth for a bit until I had to meet with a previous engagement and agreed to talk in a couple of days when we were both free.

I was giddy with glee at the thought of having a date!  In the past, I had mostly jumped into every relationship I've ever had.  Just the fact that I was allowing myself the time to know someone is a testament to the work I've done, once again, to relieve myself of my insecurities which was most of the reason I had not been patient with myself.  It has also been a long time since I have engaged with a man having rearranged my priorities to working on my self and healing the trauma I've been through.  I have stayed single on purpose.

I started to imagine our date and what we would talk about and then I found myself coming up with ideas of other "dates" that we could do.  I immediately realized how lonely I had been without the love and support of an intimate relationship and all the things I miss that come along with that.

I decided to go the the website for his business and in reading his bio, I discovered that he is married.  I felt disappointed almost immediately but I didn't go into judgment about him.  I didn't hear any "bashing" in my mind of this man and he genuinely seemed very interested in me and also practiced some restraint (which I liked) because of his lack of knowledge about who I was in relation to his clients.  He even told me that he didn't want to be presumptuous.  I should have taken that as a clue for me to do the same.  He asked me if I was single and I never asked him if he was.

While I felt let down, I realized that I had let myself down by going too far in my mind about "what could happen" before I'd even had a first date!  lol    I don't think that's wrong per se but it certainly did not help keep things real.  It was part of recognizing that maybe it had been too long since I'd allowed myself some fun with a man.  I also encouraged him to read this blog and sent him an email with a few pics of myself and a partial list of "who I am" to give him an idea of how I'm not anything like most other women.  I have no idea if he read anything here... I did not get a response to my email.  It is possible that I've scared him off so-to-speak already!  Oh well, if that's the case.  I'm not attached.

I had a conversation with myself as a reminder that I didn't really know yet why he wanted a date and I had no way of knowing how old this bio was or even if he is still married.  I became more realistic about this.

The feelings lingered for a while as I had this conversation with myself covering all the angles of "what I didn't know".  I allowed myself to sit with these feelings until a few hours later, they had dissipated. 

Today he is supposed to call me to set up a time to meet at the location we agreed on.  I really hope that it does happen so that I can get to the truth about what is going on.  That's more important to me than even another date.  It's entirely possible that he IS single and is doing his best to get back out there.  I've also thought that maybe things aren't going well in his marriage and he's looking for an "out" or maybe connection with another female to just talk to that will be there for him.  I'm open to it all even just friendship.

Funny thing... I have a friend that IS married and had the courage to ask me if I would have sex with him because his wife is not longer attracted to him.  I declined because I really don't want to be involved with a married man regardless of what he's going through and even though I don't really agree with the way marriage is practiced, I still have respect for it.  We ended up going to concerts together as friends and hanging out.  Who am I to judge what someone else feels they need? 

I woke up today just as chipper as the day before, waiting with baited breath to hear from him.  I've discovered I can be OK after I perceive a "let down" without knowing why and that I'm DONE being single!😉

So, if you're reading this J. PLEASE have the courage to call me today and meet up even if you had second thoughts. 😀 I'm SO looking forward to it either way!💖

Devastation😢

Today was a day that I haven't experienced in a few months.  I felt emotionally withdrawn, sad and confused as to what was going on with me.

I've been keeping track of what is going on with the lava flow on Big Island because I know a lot of people who have been displaced.  I lived there over 5 years.

I saw some pics and video from FB that were posted by my girlfriend that another friend took when they went back into Leilani Estates to pick up stuff from the house.

I was shocked by what I saw.  There is a tower of lava (cone) that rises about 80 feet above where the road is where the lava is still fountaining. (what they are calling fissure 8)  There is also a river of lava that is said to be the fastest moving flow of lava ever seen!  I saw it on video and it IS moving VERY fast!  I was in awe, just awe at how the subdivision has changed.  Everything is brown and dead except for this one patch of green that I saw.  They had to drive over big cracks in the road on boards...

After talking with Ima a few minutes, I had to talk with my Mom.  I've been avoiding talking with Ima because I know that I can't handle what she wants to talk about.  Being an empath, I'm still very connected to the Island and the people I know there.  I think that the impact of it all has finally "hit" me and I cried when I was telling my Mom about what I saw.  I don't think I'll ever be able to go back there again...😢 Most of the cool, fun places I've gone to are gone forever; covered in lava.

That's not all of it.  I'm going through this personal thing too.  I've been single for a very long time and I'm starting to think about men from my past that could have been a possible relationship that I ignored or just didn't have the courage to step up to as well as a man I've met more recently.

Being single hasn't been an issue at all.  I've been very happy being single; having no one to answer to but myself and I've only been lonely a few times over that last 8 years.  Suddenly I have this "longing" for a man that has come out of nowhere!  WTF is going on???!

I just sucks to feel this way and it's difficult to find anything to be grateful for... I have to laugh at the irony of that because I went to sleep last night thinking of what I was grateful for that day... lol (eyeroll!) I spent the whole day (almost) on the couch and watching netflix and eating comfort food.  It's the worst I've eaten in months.  I did go to the farmer's market and got some stuff and saw (one of) the guys that I was interested in before I even went to Hawai'i.

Sunday:  As I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday, I was reminded of what Laura Walker said on the Oracle Report and Kaypacha said in his latest video for this week.  Astrological events are affecting me.  Uranus is conjunct the Chiron point.  Uranus puts us where we need to be if we haven't gotten there on our own and Chiron is the wounded healer.  A conjunction is a positive thing and it's when both planets are in proximity to each other in the sky from our point of view.

The one thing I have left to heal is my relationship with men and inside, the relationship I have with my own inner male.  I have been aware of this for quite some time and it's the reason I haven't pursued a relationship.  I have noticed that my inner male has made his "debut" as an outer personality.  It's the reason I'm working as a mechanic on bikes and I have this brash, "don't fuck with me" attitude with people (inside my head).  I've also become more athletic and taking more action.  On the outside, I'm still kind and compassionate when I have to converse with people.

I think what I'm experiencing is this Chiron activation.  Thank goodness I have the desire to heal my inner male and I've tried but this part of myself still distrusts me and I think maybe what will do it is getting into a relationship with a man I can trust.  While I prefer to do the work on my own, sometimes that's not what we have planned out for ourselves.

I actually would love to get together with a man... I miss lots of things associated with relationship.  Kissing, sex, cuddling, hanging out and just being together with someone.

I'm suddenly excited by the possibility that I meet someone new or have my desire for one I've already met rekindled.  I can hardly wait to see what happens!  😍💕💋