Devastation😢

Today was a day that I haven't experienced in a few months.  I felt emotionally withdrawn, sad and confused as to what was going on with me.

I've been keeping track of what is going on with the lava flow on Big Island because I know a lot of people who have been displaced.  I lived there over 5 years.

I saw some pics and video from FB that were posted by my girlfriend that another friend took when they went back into Leilani Estates to pick up stuff from the house.

I was shocked by what I saw.  There is a tower of lava (cone) that rises about 80 feet above where the road is where the lava is still fountaining. (what they are calling fissure 8)  There is also a river of lava that is said to be the fastest moving flow of lava ever seen!  I saw it on video and it IS moving VERY fast!  I was in awe, just awe at how the subdivision has changed.  Everything is brown and dead except for this one patch of green that I saw.  They had to drive over big cracks in the road on boards...

After talking with Ima a few minutes, I had to talk with my Mom.  I've been avoiding talking with Ima because I know that I can't handle what she wants to talk about.  Being an empath, I'm still very connected to the Island and the people I know there.  I think that the impact of it all has finally "hit" me and I cried when I was telling my Mom about what I saw.  I don't think I'll ever be able to go back there again...😢 Most of the cool, fun places I've gone to are gone forever; covered in lava.

That's not all of it.  I'm going through this personal thing too.  I've been single for a very long time and I'm starting to think about men from my past that could have been a possible relationship that I ignored or just didn't have the courage to step up to as well as a man I've met more recently.

Being single hasn't been an issue at all.  I've been very happy being single; having no one to answer to but myself and I've only been lonely a few times over that last 8 years.  Suddenly I have this "longing" for a man that has come out of nowhere!  WTF is going on???!

I just sucks to feel this way and it's difficult to find anything to be grateful for... I have to laugh at the irony of that because I went to sleep last night thinking of what I was grateful for that day... lol (eyeroll!) I spent the whole day (almost) on the couch and watching netflix and eating comfort food.  It's the worst I've eaten in months.  I did go to the farmer's market and got some stuff and saw (one of) the guys that I was interested in before I even went to Hawai'i.

Sunday:  As I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday, I was reminded of what Laura Walker said on the Oracle Report and Kaypacha said in his latest video for this week.  Astrological events are affecting me.  Uranus is conjunct the Chiron point.  Uranus puts us where we need to be if we haven't gotten there on our own and Chiron is the wounded healer.  A conjunction is a positive thing and it's when both planets are in proximity to each other in the sky from our point of view.

The one thing I have left to heal is my relationship with men and inside, the relationship I have with my own inner male.  I have been aware of this for quite some time and it's the reason I haven't pursued a relationship.  I have noticed that my inner male has made his "debut" as an outer personality.  It's the reason I'm working as a mechanic on bikes and I have this brash, "don't fuck with me" attitude with people (inside my head).  I've also become more athletic and taking more action.  On the outside, I'm still kind and compassionate when I have to converse with people.

I think what I'm experiencing is this Chiron activation.  Thank goodness I have the desire to heal my inner male and I've tried but this part of myself still distrusts me and I think maybe what will do it is getting into a relationship with a man I can trust.  While I prefer to do the work on my own, sometimes that's not what we have planned out for ourselves.

I actually would love to get together with a man... I miss lots of things associated with relationship.  Kissing, sex, cuddling, hanging out and just being together with someone.

I'm suddenly excited by the possibility that I meet someone new or have my desire for one I've already met rekindled.  I can hardly wait to see what happens!  😍💕💋

What does it mean to be Conscious?

Consciousness has many "levels" to it from my experience.  First there is consciousness that pertains to the physical body.  The body is awake.  There is just being aware that we have a body, then being aware of the sensations of the body and then being aware of the mind/body connection and our "innate".  The Innate is  the body having it's own intelligence and being able to tap into that to get our own answers about our health.  That should be obvious... because our body IS intelligent, it's the innate that is in charge of all the different processes that happen without us having to think about it.  

Then there is mental, emotional and spiritual consciousness.

To me, mental consciousness is being aware of what is UNCONSCIOUS in us.  This is one level of knowing ourselves.  Getting to know all the different parts of ourselves that get created when we go through trauma that are in charge of "protecting" the traumatized soul:  what they look like, sound like as in the language they use and the strategies they use to get needs met.  It's also about re-educating ourselves to what is going on around us and getting in touch with the Truth.  Our own Truth as well as the Truth of what we have been taught.  We have been lied to about literally EVERYTHING!

Emotional consciousness is related to mental consciousness and often called "emotional intelligence".  It's how our emotions evolve as we get to know all our different parts.  What I have discovered is that emotions change as we become aware and work with our different parts.  Behaviors change on their own and that changes us emotionally.  We become less emotional in a negative sense.  The better we understand ourselves, the calmer we become and we have better "control" over our emotions.  We respond rather than re-act.  We utilize our free choice more consciously.

Then there is Spiritual Consciousness.  To me, that is learning the Truth about who we are on a spiritual level.  We've been lied to about that as well.  It's coming into contact with the Love that we are, shining our light of that Love and continually educating and reminding ourselves that we are (G)god.  There seem to be many layers to this also.  

Becoming "conscious" happens in degrees it seems.  We only accept what we are ready for and we never know we are ready until we're in the moment.  We don't become more conscious unless we are actively seeking it or we have it thrust upon us because we aren't doing it on our own.  

Becoming more conscious must happen slowly so that we are not overwhelmed with all that there is to become aware of!  This is often the source of my own impatience and I must constantly remind myself that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have, including myself.  

It's not easy being ahead of the curve so-to-speak.  For me, it means spending a lot of time by myself because it drives me nuts sometimes to be with people who "don't get it".  It's no fault of their own, they are just slower to "wake up".  It's challenging to say the least, however, I notice more and more that people are waking up exponentially.  It's happening faster and faster and the more people become aware, the more they influence others in their awareness. 

When I notice leaps that people make in their awareness and when I have my own, it re-instills my confidence that it IS happening however slow it may seem to me and I enjoy being witness to the awaking that others have and sharing it with me.

What I hope for soon is that I become "fully conscious".  To me that means recovering all the memories I have from past lives and my life in-between all my incarnations.  To have access to all of my spiritual gifts and wisdom of accumulated lives.   It think this will happen when I have completed the healing of my soul and my ego is fully integrated with the rest of the True Me.   Only then will I be ready for that big leap as otherwise it would be too much of a distraction for my ego and it could be tempting to go off on a "trip" with that knowledge.  💖👌👏