Another layer...

 I'm continually surprised and dismayed to find that I forgive what I need to forgive and I feel good for a bit; the voice in my head is quiet and then, WHAMO! another layer surfaces.  I'm learning that forgiveness is NOT a one and done thing.

I've realized that I don't like the version of River that he chooses to be.  I can't do anything about that.  The only thing I can do is also forgive myself for compromising my integrity and my values to be with him.  I can also make better choices as to who I spend my time with and the version of myself I choose to be.

Every time a new layer surfaces, I feel like I'm back at square one.  I'm pissed that not only is he standing in my way of following a passion to help him with self love, he's also standing in my way of having resolution with our situation.  I can't do anything about that either.  I want an apology but I know I won't get it because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.  

Maybe that's what his Mom neglected to teach him (since he credits his Mom for being who he is today) is that it's NOT right to lie to people.  I realize why we do this.  We do this to protect ourselves and to get what we want in the moment.  It's not wrong in that sense, however, we have to ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be.  I don't know that he ever asks himself that question.  I do know that if he's has lied to his new girlfriend and she finds out that that will be the end of that relationship unless she can live with that.  I know I can't because it's the difference between a solid foundation, built on honesty and trust and a foundation where lies create holes and trust is called into question.  No relationship can last with the latter.

So here I am again... faced with the challenge again to forgive him and myself over not getting what I want.  Part of me thinks I need to have that apology to move on.  The forgiveness is going to have to be enough because I've decided (again) that I don't need people like him in my life.  People that can just toss others aside like a piece of trash because they've gotten what they need out of them and find "greener grass somewhere else".  That's what it feels like.  Actions speak louder than words.  He says I'm his friend but he treats me like an enemy.

New Links for your Enlightenment

 Best explanation of the Hermetic Principles I've heard yet!

Bruce Lipton

Another good one... 

Kerry K's latest

The Choice to Forgive/Personal Note to River

I'm glad I got out what I did in the last post because it stopped all the negative thinking I was having about you, however,  I woke up this morning and felt a lightness of being I haven't felt in a long time.  I'm rethinking cutting you out of my life because... it just doesn't FEEL right. I'm more sad and disappointed than angry; sad and disappointed that even though I asked you NOT to lie to me, you did anyway.  I know I made it alright when I told you it's OK because that's how we need to protect ourselves sometimes so I can't really make you wrong for that.  And calling you out for that, even just here, is still that and I've just been reminded that calling people out is still making them wrong and it continues the "us/them" 3D bullshit that I do my best not to engage in.😢

I'm also sad and disappointed that you said that I inspire you to be the best version of yourself and I got a version that was well below what I expected but hey, don't beat yourself up AT ALL.  You're doing the best you can with what you have and that has to be good enough for now.

So, I forgive you, it doesn't mean I condone your behavior and if I look back at my own life, I'd only be condemning myself as well because I've done the same shit.  I've lied to get what I want; I've done all kinds of shit out of insecurity.  The choice to forgive is for me, not you.  You must forgive yourself; that is to be (for giving) your self (the lower self that needed to lie) love in the form of understanding and acceptance.  Understanding and acceptance that you did what you did because this is just where your consciousness was at the time and that will change as you grow and change from learning from your mis-takes.

And I hope you do because if you try to "work on" or build this new relationship with (her) with the same kind of shit, it's not going to work and she may not stand for it.  She will wonder what else you lied about.  KNOW without a doubt that eventually, all lies get exposed, all secrets come out and I'm not saying I will tell her myself out of spite.  There will be some kind of "tell" or slip up that will be made that will be the out.  If she ASKS me, I will tell her and I will give her the WHOLE truth but only if she asks.  I don't see that happening because I'm still going to do my best to avoid you.  This is just what I need to do for me.  I'm still going to go to tags Wednesdays and Saturdays when I can for my own socialization but I won't be playing with the usual crowd. Remember, the lie is ALWAYS worse that whatever it is you want to hide.😉 Lies can NEVER be part of the foundation of ANY relationship.

We will not have a REAL friendship until we can come together and talk out our differences.  You took what issue you had with me and boxed it up, swept it under the rug; however you want to phrase it.  It doesn't just disappear because you've hidden it, it becomes a festering wound that will always be in the background of any interaction that we have and that's the main reason why I need to avoid you.  I don't want to see/hear any kind of fake front you have to offer.

I still don't know if I'll ever be able to trust what you say again, however, I'm willing to give you a second chance at FRIENDSHIP and nothing more.  I still accept you as you are, however, there is too much that I would want to change for you that you have to want to change yourself; behaviors that you have that I'm not willing to deal with in a partner.  I'm holding out for the mature man who is ALREADY doing his "inner work" to be the best version of himself that he can be who isn't insecure with himself and NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel OK.

I'm still not even sure if this whole thing was just so you could have a reason to break up with Sarah.  I never asked you the right questions in the moment to get the answers I needed to have the whole picture.  Do you see my dilemma?  Did you ever REALLY care about me?  Or was I just a stepping stone for you?😞 I suppose at this point, it doesn't really matter.  I'd only be looking for another way to make you wrong and I think you KNOW what you did was wrong, you just can't admit it; to your self or to me.

So, that's that.  I've come to a neutral place within myself with you.  What will you do next?

  

"River" Rant

I need to do this... this might get long and there will be a LOT of profanity!  This part of me needs to be heard.  I stand by my decision to love him despite his shitty attitude toward me and even his lies, it will just be from afar... Please keep in mind this is just me letting a part of me out to be expressed.  It's NOT how I feel overall or all the time.  This is a difficult part of my lower self that I have to deal with and because I've been hurt, this part is doing its best to protect me from being hurt again by the same person.  This is a part of me that was created when my life was threatened (literally!) and is very defensive, protective and willing to go to great lengths to do so, even if it means cutting someone out of my life.

Even though I have dissolved this agreement/contract from another life that he and I have together, my mind will not stop with all the things I want to tell him...  He has asked me to stop emailing him (fucking crybaby!) and has me blocked on his phone so I have no way of communicating with him and it's not like I'm just going to show up at his house.

He fucking LIED to me!  He lied to me about telling (everyone) about us.  I wasn't really checking up on him but I was curious what he told his housemate/landlord so I asked him when he had told him about us and was it after I left the party.  I got this quizzical look like he didn't know what I was talking about so I said, "Did (River) tell you about us?" and he said that (River) hadn't said anything about that.  I told him that he had said he told everyone so obviously he lied.  He got this look on his face that told me he really didn't want to hear about it and I can't blame him for not wanting to be in the middle to I dropped it.

SO... if he didn't tell his housemate, then he didn't tell anyone else that we play with either (or his new girlfriend) and it makes sense because I didn't notice anything different about how any of our mutual friends were looking at me or treating me.  I know at least SOMEONE would have looked at me sideways or asked me something.  I'm pretty good at reading people.  Even if he HAD told them, I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have told them EVERYTHING like how he came onto ME 2 years before he broke up with his girlfriend.  We were seeing and sleeping with each other a full FIVE months before he broke up with her.

I can't say I'm all that happy with my own behavior... I told him I wouldn't sleep with him unless he was single and I did anyway.  I compromised my own integrity out of fear of losing him... I know that's why he also lied to me... over and over again in the way of leaving out vital information that definitely would have changed things.  I find it interesting how we both mirrored each other's core fear; he mirroring my fear of vulnerability (lying about stuff) and me mirroring his fear of being abandoned (me compromising my integrity to hold onto him).  It's been a lesson for sure... I'm not sure I could ever trust him again and his lies makes me want to question everything he's told me.  I don't know what was the truth and what was a lie...

Can you believe that little shit actually threatened me with a restraining order if I emailed him?!  The nerve.  He said that he was trying to "work on his relationship" and I told him that when he had a REAL relationship with himself, he'd have a REAL relationship with someone else and he had the gall to tell me, "This is where you get psychotic".  Are you FUCKING kidding me???  What's psychotic is telling me I'm your friend in one breath and then in the very next breath telling me you'll get a restraining order on me if I email you again!  All he had to do was answer just one email and tell me he didn't want any more and I would have stopped.  It's not like I sent him that many either, fucking baby!  What a fucking idiot.  He doesn't understand how everything out of his mouth is about him in some way shape or form.  I've learned how to really listen to myself AND others...

I'm also not happy with how I ended us seeing each other.  We were talking on the phone and he was starting to tell me how he was getting "that feeling again" like when he was with his girlfriend, Sarah and I kinda freaked out.  I had told him a few times that our feelings are connected to the thoughts we are thinking, not what we are looking at or hearing but what we are THINKING about what we are seeing/hearing.  (This IS true by the way) I was having a hard time being present with him as I was walking the family pets in the dark.  He said something about energy something something and I remember telling him that it sounded like good advice and he should take it and Goodbye and I hung up.  I was actually Ok with breaking up with him as it seemed like the beginning of the end with him telling me I was starting to be like Sarah.  I didn't talk to him for week I tried to patch things up with him but he had already moved on having a "grass is greener over there" complex.  He didn't even care to talk things out with me, he had the nerve to lie again saying he didn't have any issue with me and I knew he'd gotten together with this woman who had had his eye on him for a while.  It came out the last time I talked to him as he mentioned me hanging up on him.  I knew it was BULLSHIT that he didn't have any issues with me!  What a fucking pussy that he doesn't even have the courage to confront me about it and talk it out so we can have a better understanding of each other.  For the record, I did apologize like a month ago about my behavior but he had already blocked me on his phone so he never got the message.  I wish I had had the presence of mind to just tell him I couldn't be present with him and needed to talk to him later but I didn't so there ya go.

I don't know if I even like him anymore.  I am disgusted by his insecure behavior; testing the loyalty of his friends at the park after one of them told him he was annoying.  His behavior IS annoying; belching out loud after drinking multiple beers so he can feel "free" and playing the victim to get attention.  I hate that he uses drugs and alcohol to manage his emotional pain instead of taking my offer to help him deal with it.  Honestly, I'm better off WITHOUT people like him in my life.  I'm not missing out on ANYTHING.  

It's really too bad because the man I fell in love with is still in there, just covered up with all this heavy baggage... I wish he could see himself like I once saw him.  Instead he's adopted this somewhat egotistical and arrogant attitude that rubs me the wrong way.  I think even his art is a way to get attention from Instagram.  He needs to be noticed and the center of attention when he's feeling insecure.  I see that at the park too. 

He has ruined Valmont for me (the park where we play disc golf).  I can't stand to be around him anymore and watch him fawn over L which he never did with me because we had to be a fucking SECRET!  I'm not going to stop playing but I am going to have to sacrifice playing with "the guys" just so that I don't have to see him anymore.  (that is until he goes back to Arizona) It's not working to just ignore him.  I hear him talking and it grates on my nerves.  I think I'm still pissed that I never got the attention from him that L gets from him.  It has been over a decade since I've had a boyfriend/committed partner and I miss the attention and taking care of "my man".  He doesn't deserve me given he doesn't care to bury the hatchet with me AND couldn't be there when I needed him just to answer a few questions so I could have some closure... NO.. then he would have had to admit that he lied to me even after I asked him not to... I am kicking myself in the ass after telling him that everyone lies and it's ok because it's one of the ways we protect ourselves.  I told him that, "I'm a big girl and can handle the truth; that I'd rather have the ugly truth any day than a pretty lie..."  so much for THAT!  FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

I gotta say, he's fucking lucky that I'm NOT vindictive or a revenge seeking person cuz I could REALLY do some damage... just sayin'.  I might THINK about it but I'd never do it because that's just not the person I choose to be.  I think I'm better off just cutting him out of my life FOR GOOD!

So, Z, if you happen to read this, you can go FUCK YOURSELF and you don't have to worry about ME doing or saying anything to fuck up your relationship because I know you'll do that all.by.your.self, in fact, I think you already have.  She has NO idea who she's dealing with! 

I'm not your friend but I'm not your enemy either.  I want NOTHING to do with you... EVER!

A "Past" Life with River

I suggest you read the past entries I have made about my interaction with a man I'm calling River.  It's mostly about how he triggered all my relationship issues with our interaction.  This will get you up to speed.

I knew when I met him that there was something "special" about him.  When we were together, just he and I, he felt like family.  The only way I had of describing how I felt when I was with him was it felt like being Home.  It felt like when I was a child and I went to visit my favorite relatives; my Great Grandparents.  I would walk into their house and I'd immediately felt at ease.  I felt like I could be myself which was huge for me coming from an abusive parent.

I made some mistakes with River; giving him "help" when he hadn't asked for it and, while I fell in Love with the positive attributes I found in him, I also saw where he could learn more about himself, and improve on his behavior.😞

I could not help wanting to take care of him.  It became a near obsession for me with him; especially after we broke up.  I could not shake my need to communicate with him even when he didn't want me to.  I had a strong desire to "right the wrongs" and clear up the miscommunications we had between us and to be properly understood; all in vain.😖

I asked my unseen Guides and Angels for help; needing to know just what the hell was going on and why I could not shake this incessant need I had to help and take care of him.

I got my answers in the form of a few emails.  I had been to a business that offered floats in a magnesium pool; basically a sensory deprivation tank.  I hadn't been in a few years and the business had been taken over by a new owner and she was offering some discounts on new services she was offering as well as a meet and greet "open house".  I missed the open house event, however, I called her and talked with her over the phone.  After telling her what I was going through with myself, she said she wanted to do a past life session with me.

After about a month, I did the session with her and I went back to a time somewhere in the 1800's in Australia where I was a 45 yo Aboriginal Man and my twin Sister was Autistic and was River.

I was a Blacksmith and also in charge of taking care of my Sister because our parents were dead and all we had was each other.

Because of a stupid mistake I made in shoeing a horse, I ended up in jail for a few days, my Sister wandered off looking for me and drowned in a Lake.😢

When asked by my guide in the session what message there was for me, all I was told by my Sister was to "take care of my family".

That made some sense but not completely since River and I were no longer together and there was some friction between us.

A few days after I got hit with the putter in the chest, I received another email from a channel on YouTube that I follow offering guidance on how to dissolve contracts!  I knew I had to listen to this prerecorded interview of the woman who was going to do the workshop.  To my joy and amazement, she actually shared the practice in the introductory video and I did it along with her.

It worked!  I discovered that there had been an agreement from that lifetime to take care of my Sister for our Parents.  I was able to dissolve that contract, see it burning up in my mind's eye and actually feel relief wash over me as the overwhelming feelings that I had had to take care of River left me!😂

I still have a need to communicate with him that he's blocking right now because he wants to "work on" his relationship.  There is still this festering wound that he is holding onto because he chose to sweep whatever issue he has with me "under the rug" instead of talking things out with me.  I still have many unanswered questions myself arising from the fact that I never got the whole truth from him and didn't know at the time what questions I needed to ask him to GET the whole truth.  

I hope someday in the not-too-distant-future that we can come together to talk out our issues with each other so that we can have the REAL friendship that we were meant to have.💞

Karma

I have been wanting to write about this for a long time.  We have been taught that Karma means retribution or payback or something similar, which has kept us in a belief that supports us being unworthy, powerless and victims of life.  

I found a video from Bashar that fully explains what Karma REALLY is and I hope you will listen to it.  I trust Bashar/Darryl Anka without doubt.  The information I have received over the years from Bashar has cemented my trust in Darryl Anka, who channels Bashar (for 40 years now!) Bashar has a unique way of explaining concepts by breaking it down into understandable bits.

If we are to heal ourselves, (no one else heals us) then we must take responsibility for what we believe and change those beliefs (thoughts that we continue to think) that do not resonate or feel good so that we have a better foundation of knowledge to utilize in our journey back to ourselves and back to wholeness.

I also highly recommend the channel on YouTube that this is from.