I want to be DONE!

I dreamt of him for the first time in months last night.  I watched one of his movies last night.  

I have heard some rather disturbing news that I hope is not true... he is an actor (now) that I know from a past life in Atlantis that I have confirmation of from multiple sources.  He is on a list of celebrities that have been "taken out" by the white hats as "satanists".  I have a hard time believing it because of our connection and who he has been as well as how he is seen in Hollywood as one of the "nicest" people there.  

I was overwhelmed with sadness when I woke up... I was still dreaming lucidly when I became aware of being back in my body.  The last thing I remember was looking directly into his right eye with so much love for him and being aware that he accepted my love...

I think I'm upset (if it's true he's gone from the physical realm) because it means I'll never get to meet him here in the flesh.  I am aware that we still have work together.  I guess that means it will be just energetically?  I wonder if he will take another physical body once we finish out this particular cycle ascending into the 5th density of physical reality. (OK...🙄 this part of the post is related to the one titled "To Be or Not To Be... lol"  If you're wondering who this is... it's Keanu Reeves)

The other thing is that I found out yesterday that my son's father got that fucking shot!  I KNEW he was deceiving me about something and he confirmed that I actually knew over a month ago intuitively when I was asking myself what I was being deceived about.  It makes me so sad because I've heard so many things about how this "shot" is affecting people as well as that the white hats have had a hand in making the "shot" inert.  I don't know what to believe!  I have not taken the time to sort out what the truth is with all of it.  I'm sad for my son if he ends up losing his Dad over this.  

While I understand WHY he did it (making $$ over his own health) I'm still devastated.  I'm astonished at how much it's affecting me.  He is like family even though I have absolutely NO desire to be with him again.  He is the ONE person here, still in Boulder, that knows me better than anyone of my friends because we've known each other nearly 27 years!  That's hard to let go of.  I can tell him most anything and not give a shit what he thinks.  I can be cold, hard honest with him... I'm talking about tough love here; the kind of honesty that people don't necessarily WANT to hear but NEED to hear.

This is SO HARD!!!  I've been though moments where all I wanted to do was to go HOME (previous Star system) and I got through it and now I'm there again...

I don't hate people, however, I am so DONE with their ignorant BULLSHIT!! Their weak, spineless attitudes that keep them trapped in fear, ignorance and COMPLIANCE!  I feel like I'm living in two different worlds... I have one foot in 5D where I GET what's going on and WHY and then I still have to function in 3D where there are so many asleep sheep.  WTF!

I want (need) to break through the veil... I want (need) to remember who I REALLY AM.... I want to FEEL what it feels like to be home again (in the God Head).  

I'm so weary... to emotionally tired... and DONE.  I have so few people that I can REALLY talk to... I want my tribe back.  They are NOT here in Boulder.  Boulder got taken over by more spineless, ignorant people with $$ who think that moving to where the "grass is greener" will make it all better instead of taking their power back to change what needs to change where they were... (California)  We are overrun with people from Cali, NY and Texas.  

I can't blame people for wanting to leave.  Cali and NY are Democrat SHITHOLES!  But NOTHING will change until the people grow a FUCKING spine and stand up for their rights... and that's a laugh because clearly, they don't even know what they are... they're so conditioned to give in a little here and a little there... they are the frogs in the pot about to come to a boil... they are the sheep going over the cliff with the rest of the herd!  

I need a fucking BREAK!😠💪😣💔

Destiny VS. Fate

Being they are two different words, they mean different things even though people use them interchangeably sometimes.  Even the dictionary does this!

Destiny is that which is predetermined.  It's the end result of what we came to experience here in this particular or any incarnation.  Certain experiences within the incarnation are destined also.  Meaning, that regardless of what choice we make, the outcome will be the same.

What is NOT pre-destined is the path we take.  That's where free-will comes in.  We can take the "high road" or the "low road".  That means we can make our choices from ego or fear OR we can make our choices from our heart or Love.  It's up to us but all paths lead to the same destiny.

Fate, on the other hand, is NOT predetermined because of the letter F.  It relates to choices we make that we are not aware of.  I can hear people asking now, "How can I make a choice that I'm not aware of?"   We make choices all the time when we are not fully present with our Selves (in the NOW moment).  Sometimes we call it being on "automatic" or "auto-pilot" where we may be in a routine and not completely aware of all the choices we are making in a given moment.

The letter F denotes a choice.  It's a choice between the "high" road and the "low" road.  When we are fully present in the NOW moment we can become more aware of every little decision that we have to make.  When we are not present in the NOW, that's when we can sidetrack or deviate from the "straight and narrow" path and create "lessons" for ourselves by NOT being fully present and taking the "low road".  Fateful decisions can be avoided.  They are not bad per se but by being present and aware we can avoid the lesson altogether and not meander off our path.

F-A-T-E broken down is this:  FA is the mind process, T becomes "borrowed" from the executive portion of the word to become the motivation (heart) and then T and E are the executive portion.  Mind, heart and hands/feet.  I'm giving you a quick lesson from what I've learned about what individual letters of the alphabet mean and how words affect what we think, feel and do.  You can read about it in the post "Science of Characteristics".

So we (F) have a choice to make and we (A) think about (without any other information) what our choices could be.  We are motivated by the (T) details that we have instant contact with (aware of) and then doing things with attentiveness (T) and carefully (E).

The choice, F, is the freewill choice of Love (for self and others; wanting the win/win) and Fear; doing such and such because one is afraid of something else.  This is where we often unconsciously make the choice out of fear if we are not present and aware of where the choice is coming from.  Unfortunately, most people, BECAUSE they misunderstand freewill, often make their choices from fear.  Care must be taken not to make choices that don't feel good.  That is the indicator (feelings) where the choice is coming from.

So fate ties in with destiny as a determining factor of how we reach our destiny; by the "high road" or the "low road".

The True Meaning of Free Will and Karma (where to make a decision from)

I find that MOST people misunderstand what having "free will" means.  Most people think that means they can do whatever they want.  While that's true, they are missing the bigger meaning.  Our will is that part of us that is responsible for our decisions.  Before we make a choice of something, another choice comes first and this is where the "free" comes in.

There are two places to make a choice from:  Love or Fear.  This is what constitutes "duality".  It's the reason why we have an "ego".  In order for us to have "free will" it means there is more than one choice:  We are free to choose love or fear in our thinking/doing of things. Free will is honored by God and guides because to do otherwise would be to choose FOR US and that is interference!  It would negate God/god's free will to choose blindly so that we can have every experience we desire in order to know itself/ourselves.  It would also go against the path we have already laid before us.  To let us have our choice on our own and make our "mis-takes" is more loving than to "do it for us".  "To do it for us" would also be disempowering.  Make sense?  would love to hear comments about this...😐

Often, the choices made from fear (which for most people is most of the time) are the ones that become, "the lesson". lol  It's not bad, however, the outcome is showing you where you made your choice from.  The choices made from Love, however, are the ones that lead to the synchronistic happenings that are so fun and ALSO show you where you made your choice from.

It's easier to see if I give an example.  Lets say you have to get gas for your car and it's one of those cars that needs "high test".  It's the most expensive gas you can buy.  You only have $10 to put in the tank and you want to get the most out of your dollar.  Do you a:  buy the high test gas because you LOVE your car and you want the best for it or do you b:  buy the cheapest gas because you're AFRAID you won't get as far on the $10.   

If you chose a, this is the BEST choice you can make and more than likely, because you made your choice from a higher vibration, you will either go further than you thought on your $10 or you will magically attract more money to put in the tank when you need it.  The Universe always supports us in ANY decision we make but it's more evident when those little magical moments happen that seemingly come out of NOWHERE that leave us dumbstruck as to how they happened because it gave us exactly what we needed, when we needed it.

If you chose b, then more than likely because you made your choice from a lower vibration, you will experience something of the like:  Your car will give you some problems because you gave it cheap gas and you may have to spend EXTRA money you don't have to get it fixed.  The Universe is STILL supporting you by rewarding you with an experience that is showing you that there was a better choice to be made.  

Karma is not what people are saying it is.  What people are talking about is actually the law of attraction.  You get what you give per vibration.  Karma is a sanscrit word that means "action".  Karma is the action you take to correct a perceived mistake that you've made.

It's important to know here, if you find yourself receiving "the lesson", DO NOT waste time beating yourself up about it.  You will achieve NOTHING and only do worse to yourself.  Accept you made a boo boo (mis-take) and fix your boo boo with a different decision.  (Karma)  This time, make sure it's out of Love!  Getting mired in self pity or anger only makes things worse.  

Now, how do you tell where you are making your decision from?  Before you do anything, ask yourself why your doing it.  If you hear yourself saying ANYTHING akin to fear, IE:  "I'm afraid that", or "I can't", "I shouldn't" etc.  STOP and re-asses your decision.  Not making a choice is still a choice and lots of times when we are anxious or feeling any of the lower vibrations, that is NOT a time to be making decisions as those decisions will lead to the "lesson".  The negative feelings are a clue that you are OUT OF ALIGNMENT with the "higher" part of yourself (that knows ALL) and that's how it communicates with you is through FEELING. So, obviously, if you don't feel good about a decision, DON'T MAKE IT!  

On the other hand, feeling joyous, good, excited, happy etc. is a clear indication that you ARE in alignment with your higher self (it is in agreement with your decision) and the best outcome is assured.  I want to emphasize here:  sometimes, even when we DO make the best decision, it's not immediately apparent.  Sometimes it LOOKS like we are going in the wrong direction or things happen that cause us to doubt we made the right decision, however, usually what is going on is there is a re-arrangement of energy going on or something is being changed that will RESULT in a HIGHER vibration manifesting for the BEST for all concerned.  We may not always like these changes when they happen and they may not look "right" but in the end and in hindsight, (hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20) you will see why it needed to happen that way.

I have my own example here.

If you'll notice, I did not write for a month between 2/26 and 3/26 because I moved and I started a new job that took up a LOT of my time on the learning curve.  

During that time, some events took place that I was SURE were happening but as it turned out, didn't really happen and I HAD to move.  Let me explain.

Back in September, I had moved in with a woman who is blind and needed help around the house with various things.  As I look back, one of my "mis-takes" was not getting more information about what was needed and who she was.  I really just didn't know what questions to ask at that point.  I thought the questions I did ask were enough.

As time went on, I was being asked to do things that weren't told to me up front and really, she didn't know were needed either, but it was stuff I didn't want to do because it got me involved in her "stuff".  lol  She also had a problem with alcohol and it was something she didn't want to do but felt it was the only thing that was going to help her sleep.  It wasn't so much her behavior that I was concerned about but that it messed with her memory.  She also was in front of the TV the whole time she was awake unless she went out which wasn't often.  That was very annoying to me as she had a voice activated TV remote that told her EVERYTHING as she did it and it was very loud and just on the other side of the wall from me.  I do not watch TV.

In early February, I left for a week to pet sit for a client.  When I came back, I was sitting on my bed and I looked over to the spot where I have my son's school picture and it was gone!  I wracked my brain to determine if I had moved it myself and taken it with me to my pet sit and I could NOT remember taking it with me.  

I asked my roommate if anyone had been in my room while I was gone and I told her my son's picture was gone.  She said no, so my only other choice was that my roommate had taken it.  She had told me that I needed to stop talking to her about spiritual stuff because she was convinced that her bout of diverticulitis was because of me.  I had to partially agree with her.  Only partially because while I was aware that she wasn't "digesting" the information I had given her, it was her choice as to what she thought about it.  So what my mind made up as to why she would have taken my son's pic was that she was mad at me for getting her sick.  

I told her that regardless of WHO took my picture, I no longer felt my room was safe without a lock on it.  She thought about it for a few days but by then, I had already changed the knob on my door. (my bedroom door did not have a lock on it at all) She decided that she didn't want her apartment on "lock down" lol and I told her that it wasn't the WHOLE apartment (eyeroll) that I wanted a lock on my door for MY peace of mind.  I didn't tell her I had changed the doorknob.  By this time I had decided I was going to move.  Whether it was her and she was lying or didn't remember or it was someone else, my privacy had been violated and my decision to leave was out of love of my self and my privacy.

I kept the old lock so when it came time to leave, I could put it back on so she could have it the way she wanted it.  

I left again for a few days with my door locked and when I came back, I noticed that someone had left a LOT of toilet paper in the trash can and I KNOW it wasn't me.  I do not use a foot of TP to pick my nose with which is what it looked like had been done.  By now, the upstairs neighbor was involved and I figured that she and my roommate had figured out I had changed the lock and to spite me, had used a credit card to get in.  I know this works because I did it myself with my own card to test my theory.

A few days later, I got a note on my door that said I need to move and that if I ever tried to argue with her or make any accusations of her, she would call the police. (another eyeroll, like she needed to do that)  I know this was at the encouragement of the upstairs neighbor.  Little did I know that when I walked in that night and she disappeared into her room, she was calling the police.  Before they got there, I sat down with her and told her that she was right; that I had not respected her right to live life the way she wanted and that I was going to do my best to move BEFORE her deadline.  As I finished, the look on her face was one of surprised and just after finishing my apology to her, there was a knock at the door.  I opened the door and there were two police officers standing there.  I invited them in and was actually GLAD they were there so I could tell MY side of the story which is why they were there anyway!  lol

After they left, we "made up" and made a plan for me to come back (I was pet sitting again) and watch "X Files" together on Wednesday night.  Some time after that, either that night or the next day, I don't remember, I went to get some of my Kombucha that I made off the kitchen counter that was covered by a cloth and I found one bottle OPEN!  (I know I didn't leave it open and it didn't open itself!) That was IT!  I was convinced that she was doing her best to "get back at me" or at the very least, the neighbor was trying to fuck with me.  I left and went back to my pet sit where I called the police and told them what I had found.  The officer gave me a choice; I could drop it and let it go or I could have him go over there to talk with my roommate and get her side of the story.  In hindsight, this was the decision that was crucial on my part.  I struggled with it, knowing how it was going to affect my relationship with my roommate and that we had just "made up".  

I chose to have him go over and talk with her.  After that, her whole attitude toward me changed and it became very stressful (for her) to have me around.  I was fine.  I was happy even though I had to find a place to move to and it really surprised me that I WASN'T more stressed.  I kept my door locked with a piece of duct tape over the place where the latch is so if it was moved, I'd know.  I made sure that I was there as little as possible and when I was, I was in my room which was normal for me anyway.  

I was able to move a full WEEK before I needed to to a wonderful house with a CONSCIOUS couple that have a dog, a cat and chickens living at the house.  I hadn't realize what a toxic environment I had been living in until I moved!  

I want to make it clear here... I find nothing wrong with my former roommate.  The bottom line was that we were not a vibrational match to each other.  Part of who I am is that I am able to adapt to various situations as I need to and when I picked up Lynda in my taxi and she told me about her room for rent, I was actually looking to move because my former roommates before her had chosen to rent out their extra bedrooms to AirBnB people and I was OVER it!  lmao  It wasn't working well for me at all with the "revolving door".  I liked her when I met her and it seemed like what she needed was reasonable and I was willing to help her out.  

I see that whole situation as an opportunity to further refine my values and see that it's not always in my best interest to help someone.  At least I wasn't "pushy" with her as I have been in the past.  She did want to make changes to her lifestyle, however, because she was/is wrapped up completely in the allopathic medical system, it's going to be difficult for her and she was not ready for what I had to share with her and did not like my suggestions.  I'm grateful that I was able to recognize that what she needed and what I had to offer were not in synch and it was better for both of us that I left.  

I DID follow my heart in my decision to move in with her, however, the cheap rent and the  convenience of having a health food store and coffee shop right next door was enough to keep me in that toxic situation.  When I made the choice to move, the Universe took control and orchestrated events to that I would HAVE to move because otherwise, I would have stayed since we "made up".

I have to say, until I saw all this in hindsight, it was very perplexing to me why it happened this way.  I say this because a couple of weeks after I moved, I found the picture of my son that I thought was stolen.  One one hand, I felt bad that I had accused my roommate of stealing it but on the other, after some contemplation, I realized that it had to happen this way because I AM so adaptable and I WOULD have stayed there and it was better that I left.  

I know this was a looong explanation as to why things don't always look "right" when they are happening but hopefully you can see what I mean because it all worked out for the best.  I have not been back to see Lynda since I moved and I'm not sure if telling her that I found that picture and apologizing to her would be the best thing.  I have thought about it.  

I'm just going to trust that she is getting the guidance and help that she needs at her level that she can handle.  I was a little too much for her! lol  Again, there is nothing wrong with what she is doing, I didn't agree with her lifestyle and she had issues with my "help".  And it's all OK.  

I left on top because even though I did experience frustration and a bit of anger, I handled it well and didn't have a "tantrum" over it.  Even when I thought I had lost my son's picture forever, I got an even BIGGER one to replace it that hadn't been given away yet... lol  AND, it got a lock for my door out of my love of privacy and protecting it.  

All in all, I'm happy with how things turned out and my own behavior through it all.  I hope Lynda is happy and in a better situation and has the help she needs.👍💪😃💕

Duality

Yesterday, I went to the movies with a friend. We saw 2 movies. The first was "The Last Mimzy" which I highly recommend and the second was "Reign Over Me". At the end of "Reign Over Me", my friend and I started discussing what we liked and what we didn't like about the movie. Without ruining the movie for anyone and to make a long story short, Adam Sandler's character, Charlie, was a victim of losing his family. He remained a victim because the fear of facing his pain kept him from moving through the grieving process and he remained stuck in anger. I want to make something perfectly clear here. I am not perfect and I have been a victim. What I am about to say, I say from experience and I don't pretend to have ALL the answers. There are many reasons why people become victims but it is not necessary to remain a victim. EVERYTHING IS A CHOICE. Charlie remained a victim until he chose to admit he needed help. That's very hard for a lot of people to do-admit they need help. It's OK to need help. We are not here to do everything ourselves. It is a blessing to have people around us who are willing and able to help us when we need it. The key is to not become dependent on help from the outside. It is the choice we make to become responsible(able to respond to our own needs)that frees us from victim hood. Living in fear of what we are told might happen or what the consequences will be if we tell on someone are what keep us in victim consciousness. Any kind of fear will do that. People live with some kind of fear everyday. It can be very simple as being afraid of running out of gas or something as profound and being told that we would be killed if we tell someone that we have been raped. Taking responsibility is the key to ending victim consciousness. OK, this is going to be a little hard to swallow and this is what my friend and I argued about. Choices made out of fear are what put us on the path to victim consciousness. It the housewife who gets beaten by her husband everyday because she is afraid to leave him. Her fear is that she won't be able to take care of herself or what will happen to him or a myriad of other things. It doesn't matter what the excuse is, it's a choice made in fear. It isn't until she makes the choice out of love for herself to take responsibility for the choices that she has made that have put her in this position, that she will create a new consciousness for herself. No, she did not choose to be a victim directly. No one says, "I want to be a victim". It's done unconsciously out of fear. There is always some kind of awareness that is present that opens the door for people to change their minds. To choose NOT to be a victim anymore. Choices made in love are the ones that propel us down the path of responsibility and empowerment. It's a choice made in love of oneself. Here's one of my experiences of being a victim. A few years ago, a friend and I got into an argument about him smoking pot. He was on probation and passing his UA's by taping a bag of someone else's pee onto his body and then using that for the cup. I did not agree with what he was doing and I told him that I wasn't going to help him do it anymore. I also at the point, wanted him out of my house because I couldn't stand living with him anymore. I told him I wanted him to leave and he refused. He told me I was the one who would have to move. I threatened to expose him to his probation officer and tell her everything that he had been doing. I knew exactly what I was doing but what I didn't count on was how he would react.   I ended up on the floor of the kitchen with him banging my head against the floor. This happened on a Thursday. On Friday, he apologized to me but I understood that I could not let this happen again. (This is not the first time something like this had happened and it had gotten worse every time). For the next 3 days, I talked with trusted friends and family about what to do, knowing that if I went to the police, he would go to jail. On Monday morning, I made the choice to tell the police about our altercation. I did this out of love for both of us. In love of myself because I would not accept being victimized and in love of him because I recognized and understood his fears that caused him to make the choice to hurt me. I also recognized his inability to channel his anger appropriately that allowed him to "snap" and do what he did. He is not normally this way and I know that. I know that the choice I made to threaten him with his probation officer was in fear of him continuing to live with us or having to move myself and is why I became a victim of his anger. I also know that his choice to hurt me was made in fear of what the consequences would be if I said anything is what made him a victim of the judicial system. It took us over a year to get through that and I immediately took responsibility for what I had done that sent him to jail. He was not so willing to accept responsibility for what he did. I told him, everything is a choice. You either make a choice out of fear, which will ultimately lead you down the path of victimization or you make the choice out of love and follow the path of responsibility (having the ability to respond to your own needs). Eventually his did accept his responsibility for his half of our altercation. But this person has always had a problem accepting responsibility for anything. He does not understand that accepting responsibility is empowering. He understands it as having to work and he doesn't like to work. Being responsible means being able to respond to your own needs and owning what is yours. Since that time, he has had some anger management classes which he was not given a choice to comply with and he admits it helped him. He is also living back here with us but he is actually helping with the rent and things around the house. I know that another situation like that will not ever happen again. Not only because he has new tools to work with in managing his anger but because I was offered a weekend self defense course that I took. I made the choice in love of myself that I did not want to remain a victim to take responsibility for my own defense and learn how to defend myself. It was very empowering indeed! I am no longer afraid that someone will be able to take advantage of me because I have new knowledge of how to take care of myself and I know how to use it! Knowledge by itself in not power, applied knowledge is power. And it's not about having power over someone else. That is an illusion. No one has power over you unless you allow them to. All you have to do is respond with NO! It occurs to me that someone could say that I made the choice to take the self defense class out of fear of being hurt again. This is where it can be confusing to people. The are only two choices. One choice will empower you, the other will empower someone else. The one made in love will empower you, the one made in fear will empower someone else who may victimize you in the future. My choice was made in love of myself to empower me and refuse to be a victim. Had I not made the choice to do that, I would have made no choice and maybe allowed someone to victimize me in the future. Choosing not to do something is still a choice. That is often the case for most people and the underlying fear is moving out of the comfort zone they have created for themselves. So, here we are again on the same but different path to try once again to accept each other as we are and to live in harmony with each other. Something changed because it's working. It still don't have the desire to have a romantic relationship with him for other reasons (mostly his lack of responsibility) but I am able to accept him the way he is and we compromise on the housework and rent. He also knows that him living here is just temporary until he can get his feet under him. I don't toot my own horn but I am very happy with the changes that I see in my life and his. It is something to be proud of when you can look at the past and see where you have been and then look at where you are now and realize that changes that have taken place for the better! I am realizing some other recent wonderful changes in my life also but that is another blog. So this is some simple advice, when you have a choice, think about where your thoughts are coming from. Are they coming from fear or love? It isn't always easy to recognize. Our egos have a way of making us think that what we decide is from love. You must think about the consequences of either choice. Which one will empower you and which one will cause you to be a victim. Being a victim can come from a simple choice. So can empowerment. And remember choosing to do nothing is still a choice and more than likely is the one that will NOT empower YOU. I love all of you and it is my wish that people bring more consciousness to their choices. It's only a few seconds of contemplation between being a victim or not. This is an add: We are the creators of our lives. Things don't happen to us. They happen because of the (un)conscious choices we have made. This is hard for most people to accept when they don't get what they want because they don't see how their (un)conscious choice was made in fear. By bringing more awareness to your choices, you are responding to yourself and consequently, you will more likely make a choice from love. It is the Law of Attraction at work. What you think about, you bring about. It is irrefutable. The time is now to respond to yourself, love yourself and do what is best for YOU! Getting out of your comfort zone will not kill you, it will show you a different path, one that will ultimately empower you. Everyday you wait is another day lived in some kind of fear. Do not wait for something to come from the outside! You have the power within you to create what it is you want most, NOW. IN LOVE, Riox